The green-eyed monster

"The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you."

                 -Bette Midler

My son caught a cold last week and he was definitely not feeling well. Poor thing had a very stuffy nose and a burning sore throat. I felt so bad for him, especially since he probably caught it from me. I don't like to see him hurt, either physically or emotionally.

Thinking about him hurting reminded me of a conversation we had a week or two before. He told me that some kids at school were giving him a hard time on the basketball court. They were making snide comments and ganging up on him. Not to worry, it didn't cross any lines. It was just the usual juvenile banter. Based on what he told me and my own experience, I sensed that maybe these boys were jealous. See, my son is good at basketball. No, I mean really. I'm not just saying that as his mother. (Go ahead, roll your eyes, I can't see you.) But really, he's good. And he's very competitive. He always wants to win and he always gives 100% and I'm sure he's the same whether he's playing a league game or at just a quick game at recess.

I know how young ones can be. Immaturity and insecurity cause them to say and/or do things that hurt and they don't even realize the pain they cause nor do they always know how to deal with their own pain in a constructive way. I told my son not to let it get him down, and that as he gets older, he may have to deal with worse. As he once said, "puberty is when the aliens take over our bodies," and these aliens are all trying to find their way and figure out who they are, and this process can get them all riled up.

Now, to be fair, my son is very sarcastic and he can come across just a bit rude. So, maybe this exacerbated the situation. And yes, I talked to him about that. I also reminded him that he needs to remain humble, and that relationships of any kind require compromise and a lot of give-and-take.

My brain is on the move, come along.

Not long after this, my husband asked something along the lines of "why is it that when someone is really good at something and this talent is displayed, they are called a show-off?" Good question, right? Why is it that instead of congratulating someone on their talents, we immediately find a way to put them down? Why do we "hate" on people?

"Humans are suspicious and jealous creatures. When they see something perfect, they want to find a flaw."

                   -Gosho Aoyama

The worst part is that not only are people jealous, not only do they resent the talent and success of others, but they hope something bad happens to them or that they fall off their pedestal or fail in some big way. These jealous people can't be rich and famous and beautiful and adored and successful and talented, so they don't want other people to be. That's why tabloids and TMZ are raking it in. Because people want to see the dirty laundry of the "show-offs." They want proof that others are no better than them.

"I don't know whether you have noticed it, Sir, but there are some that take pleasure in the distress of a fellow-mortal, and most especially if they think that fellow-mortal has committed a sin, which adds an extra relish."

                                     -Margaret Atwood, Alias Grace

Now, I understand that some successful and talented people lack humility and that is what attracts hate. There is a difference between letting your talent and skill speak for themselves and constantly speaking of your talent and skill. I have known people who are always looking for the opportunity to tell stories of their greatness. I'm sure you all know some, too. The kind of people who constantly brag about their achievements. The kind of people who dominate conversations, talking about how they did this or accomplished that. Or who constantly belittle others. But you know what, we can't hate them either. Because deep down inside, they are just insecure and in need of love and acknowledgement and validation. They, too are experiencing jealousy. They, too are human. And like children and teenagers, they don't know how to deal with their feelings.

I wish I could say that I don't get jealous, but I do. And I wish that humans could always be genuinely happy for the success of others. But that's not the case. But hate and resentment don't do anything for us. Instead of focusing on others, we should put our energy into improving ourselves and our own lives. We should work hard not on wishing failure on others, but on achieving our own goals and dreams. That is the one good thing about envy, it can push us to improve, to become better.

I hope that my son learns how to deal with the green-eyed monster, the one attacking him from within and the one attacking him from without. I hope that we all can. I hope that we can learn to rise above the hate and resentment and pettiness. We would all be a lot happier for it.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

                   -Carrie Fisher