CHARMIN AND CHARDONNAY

I read about a recent study that found couples who get drunk together, stay together. I also heard about another study that showed the happiest couples are those who feel comfortable enough to discuss poop.

Well, break out the Charmin and Chardonnay!

All kidding aside, I also read an article on the website iflscience.com that talked about the types of toxic relationships that can cause marriages to fail. One of these relationships is conflict-avoidant. In this type of relationship, people don't tell the truth about what they think or how they feel because they fear conflict or rejection. They bury things and essentially bury themselves, in order to please the other person. 

I realized I have a tendency to bury things. I don't like conflict. I don't want to hurt or upset anyone. Unfortunately, I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I think and feel way too much. And when I try to keep those feelings under wrap, it can hurt. It hurts me, and it hurts those I care about when those feelings suddenly erupt, which they often do. And when the eruptions come, it's almost always at the wrong time.

Fortunately, I have a very patient and understanding husband, and he encourages me to talk to him and work through  whatever I may be feeling.

I wonder why I do this when I know it's not healthy and I know it will cause problems. I wonder why it's so difficult for me to just admit what I'm thinking and feeling. I know one of the reasons is because I really don't like conflict. And though I hate to admit it, I'm something of a people-pleaser. The thought of hurting or upsetting anyone really bothers me. But I think maybe it goes beyond that, beyond my own specific circumstances.

I think as females, we are taught to avoid conflict. We are supposed to be kind and nurturing. We aren't supposed to show anger. We aren't supposed to argue or fight. We are supposed to be the ones that keep the peace. But we do get angry. We do want to speak up, be heard, and maybe even argue a little. We don't want to have to bow our heads and quietly walk away every time. But if we don't, then we're seen as bossy or aggressive or bitchy.

It's not just women either. Men are taught to be strong and stoic. They aren't supposed to talk about their feelings. They aren't supposed to cry. They aren't supposed to be sensitive.  And if they are, then they're seen as weak. But they need to be able to express themselves, too. They need to deal with and talk about what's going on in their minds and hearts.

Of course, it isn't just a gender specific thing. Male, female, we're all taught by society to behave in certain ways. And that includes not airing dirty laundry. We're all supposed to keep our thoughts and feelings mostly to ourselves. At least in public. Then, we can scream and cry into our pillows or punch and kick inanimate objects all we want when we're at home. But it's easy to become so conditioned not to express yourself, that you don't even want to let anything out when you're at home or with your loved ones for fear that you'll be looked down on, laughed at, or otherwise rejected.

So, for both sexes, there is this unspoken rule that you don't talk about certain things or act certain ways. There is this pressure to be the shining example of the perfect partner, one who doesn't cry or argue, one who doesn't take things personally, one who never gets jealous or insecure, one who won't nag. 

Now, you put two people together who don't express themselves because they don't want to disappoint or upset the other person, and you've got a ticking time bomb. Unspoken thoughts and buried emotions can lead to resentment. And like I said before, resentment is like cancer. It poisons you. And it can poison a relationship.

Of course, I'm speaking in generalities and hyperbole . It has become more common for women to vent their anger and frustration and for men to show their vulnerability. Women are boxing and men are taking classes on how to brush their daughter's hair. Yes, we have come a long way.

But I think those generational and cultural gender lessons are still being taught and learned. It may be subtle, it may be subconscious, but it's still there. Somehow, we have to learn to let them go and allow ourselves, and our significant others to open up. We have to learn to talk about whatever doubts, fears, anxieties, and questions are plaguing us. That might mean sometimes we let out the demons that lurk inside. We have to understand everyone has demons. That no one is perfect, and that everyone is vulnerable. Everyone has a heart and soul and mind. Everyone has the right to feel what they feel, whether anger or sadness or pain. And they shouldn't have to hide it, especially not from the one person who should love and accept them for all they are. Your husband or wife should be the one person you can be yourself with, the one person who listens, who understands, who comforts, and yes, who will sometimes argue with you. 

I'm sure that people find themselves in conflict-avoidant relationships for a myriad of reasons. I'm sure there are scientific psychological studies on the subject. I'm not trying to emulate Freud. All I want to say is that it might be more common than we think because it might be a natural state for a lot of us. But it shouldn't be.

So, maybe that is why couples who can drink and talk about poop together are happier. Because there is a certain level of comfort. Drinking probably helps break down those subconscious barriers we've built. And so does talking about bowel movements. I mean, you have to be really comfortable with your significant other to talk about that!

I'm not saying you have to open a bottle of wine and talk dirty, so to speak. In fact, if you're not careful, alcohol can turn the releasing of inner demons into a scene from the Exorcist. What I am saying is that we should all open up, be ourselves, and talk about what we're thinking and feeling without fear. And we should all encourage our significant others to do the same.