Anna Karenina and Adultery

I’m going to talk about a very touchy subject. I just want to warn you. You might get uncomfortable.

I watched the latest film adaptation of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. I admit I never read the book so I didn't know quite what to expect. However, as I was watching, I was reminded of one of Tolstoy’s other works, The Kreutzer Sonata, which I had recently listened to. Both dealt with infidelity. And both were very tragic. Tolstoy definitely had an opinion on the matter.

I think most people have a definite opinion on the matter. It may differ slightly depending on culture and religion. But here in America, in this society, adultery is frowned upon.  It is a sin to the religious and grounds for divorce to the law. And adulterers are spoken of with disdain. Of course, people love to gossip about adulterers, but that’s a different discussion.

As I watched Anna Karenina, I thought about my own feelings about adultery. And, as with most matters, I began to wonder if the subject was not as black and white as we treat it. I myself am not a fan of cheating. I have seen the pain and turmoil it can cause. I consider it to be selfish and unfair to the person one has promised to love and honor. You chose to get married. I say that if you are unhappy, you need to do one or all of three things:

1.       Talk to your spouse.

2.       Talk to a counselor.

3.       Separate/Divorce

I know people say, “but, it isn't that easy.” I just can’t see how lying and sneaking around is easier. Yes, you have to work at keeping a marriage alive and healthy. You have to let go of your pride and ego sometimes. You have to open up even when you are confused and afraid.

But, I don’t have the right to judge anyone. Nor am I an expert in the matter. And the only people who truly understand what is going on in a relationship are the two people in that relationship. It’s easy to stand outside and tell people what to do. It’s more difficult to understand how they feel, to walk in their shoes, to see the situation from their point of view. And that’s what I was thinking as I watched the film.

Why do people cheat? There are a myriad of reasons to be sure. But why do seemingly good people betray their spouses? I know there are those who do it just because they can. There are selfish, slimy people in the world who don’t care about anyone or anything. But what about the others?

Anna Karenina was married to an honorable man. However, their marriage seemed to lack warmth, and passion. The word that came to my mind was “orderly.” Then into her life appears a very desirable man and the connection between them is instant. Although she at first tries to fight what she feels, she eventually gives in. The situation for Anna is certainly difficult. In her time and place, women were dependent upon their husbands. Although men cheated, they weren't treated with the malice that cheating women were. (Anna discovers that while she is treated as a pariah, her lover continues to kiss the hands of aristocratic ladies.) And divorce was akin to a crime. On top of all that was the fact that Anna could lose her son should she leave her husband. What could she do?

In The Kruetzer Sonata, the main character’s wife befriends a man with musical talent. This becomes their connection. Music is very powerful, as is desire. From the way the main character relates his story, from his words and mannerisms, I could guess why his wife was disloyal.  He seemed an irritable, angry, dark man. In the end, he kills his wife in a fit of rage. He loses his children, but not his freedom as the court decided he was merely defending his honor. (The gender hypocrisy in both these stories drives me mad!)

For the characters of these stories, as with many people of past times and distant lands, marriage may have not been a matter of love, but a matter of finance, status, or politics. In some way, perhaps that still occurs today. Maybe society puts so much pressure on people to get married, that people rush into it, or do it for all the wrong reasons. And maybe society puts too much pressure on people to stay together when they shouldn't  People can and do change. Same with feelings. The heart is a mysterious thing. It doesn't always do what you want it to do or what it should. It doesn't follow whatever rules we try to set. Could it be a matter of wrong person at the right time or right person at the wrong time? Do people fall out of love as easily as they fall in love? Could some love just be temporary?

As time goes by, relationships can suffer under the pressures of everyday life. Careers and children often take precedence. The person that was once your best friend and lover becomes a roommate and business partner. Men want to feel young and virile again. Women want to feel desired and appreciated. And if their spouses take them for granted or ignore their sexual and emotional needs, they sometimes wander. Again, this goes back to ego and selfishness. But I can see how people rationalize it. The brain is a mysterious thing, too.

But what if it is more than just an emotional thing? We are one of the few creatures of this planet who select a mate for life. Most other animals mate with many, driven by instinct. Of course, we are not like other animals, and we have brains that supposedly allow us to think and not just act. But what if that animal instinct has not been totally subdued and we are not as evolved as we think? What if those instincts sometimes fight their way past our civil facades? When you really look at it, desire seems very much a raw impulse. Scientifically speaking, are we meant to be with just one person?

Of course, we have become a more liberal society and there are people who have “open relationships.” I won’t judge them either. People are different. And just because I wouldn't do it doesn't give me the right to say it’s wrong. As long as there is complete honesty and both partners have an understanding.

I hope I didn't upset anyone. Again, I am not advocating adultery. My brain just got to rolling after watching that movie and I think maybe we should talk about such matters instead of ignoring them or sweeping them under the rug or whispering about it in dark corners.

I am lucky that I am in love with my husband and our relationship means so much to both of us. We understand that infidelity would destroy this beautiful thing we have. But that’s us.

I hope that all of you have deep, meaningful relationships and you are happy. But if you are not, I hope that you can figure things out. I hope that if/when you marry or if you are married, that your spouse is your best friend and you can reach out to them when your heart is hurting. I hope you don’t experience a disconnection that drives you away from the person you should be running to in your time of need. If you have cheated or are cheating, take a moment to reflect and dig deep, and figure out what the real problem/solution is. 

Love is such a complicated thing. Humans are complicated things. My brain is whirling.