It's Not Too Late

So, I’m sure you’ve all heard the tragic story of Robin Williams. Sad, heartbreaking, shocking.

I’ve heard of and known people who hide and deal with depression and anxiety through comedy. But I didn’t know Robin Williams was one of those people.

So, my brain on wheels got to rolling and I felt like maybe this was the time to share my own story. Now, I must admit that I thought perhaps I shouldn’t tell you all about this. That maybe it’s too personal and some of you will judge me, look at me differently, but then I realized that’s half the problem. People are afraid to talk about it. The stigma attached to depression and mental health in general prevents people from receiving the help they need.

Yes, I experienced depression in my life. And I had suicidal thoughts.  I didn’t think I was good enough to exist. To be loved and accepted. I had self-esteem issues. And this was when I was young, facing the tough challenges of adolescence. I was disliked by girls who thought I was trying to steal their boyfriends, and thought weird by boys. I never felt like I belonged, like I had a place in society. And I tried to drown these self-doubts in alcohol and drugs. But that’s like a band aid on a broken limb. I acted out, pretended I didn’t care. But I did.

Some people blame the parents in such situations. But it’s not always the parents’ fault. My parents did the very best they could. It was just something in me, demons that I had to fight. In other cases, the parents have a hand in it. Either directly, or indirectly, because they refused to accept there was something mentally or emotionally wrong with their child. They ignored the warning signs, the cries for help.

And that’s where change is needed. We must accept that sometimes there is something internally wrong with our loved ones. There is pain and suffering. They may try to hide it, but in the end, they will show signs, they will hint at what lies beneath their façades. We have to open our eyes, our ears, and our hearts to others, and listen to what they aren’t saying. It isn’t easy. By no means. It’s difficult to accept that something is wrong with those we care for. It’s difficult to face the truth. And even more difficult to know what to do, when to reach out, how to comfort.

Shame and blame don’t do anything to solve the problem of mental health in this country. In fact, they only exacerbate the already volatile situation.

And people often want to tell the depressed to “snap out of it,” or “get over it,” or “get over yourself,” or “it will get better.” Often times, these words can only add to the suffering of those dealing with emotional pain and anguish. Rather than chastising or clichés, they need someone show them love, patience, understanding, concern, and compassion.

I was able to change my way of thinking, to look for the beauty and joy in life, instead of focusing on the darkness. I came out of the shadows. That’s not to say I don’t feel that darkness creep up on me every now and then, because it does. And each time I fight my way through. But not everyone can do that. Some people need more than cognitive restructuring. Some people need intense therapy or even medication.

People say those that commit suicide are selfish and cowardly. And looking from the outside in, it may seem that way. It’s selfish to put loved ones through the pain of dealing with your death. It’s cowardly to run away from the difficulties of life rather than face them. But people with mental and emotional health issues don’t always think clearly. And they often think their loved ones are better off without them, that no one will miss them. They believe there is no hope for a better life, that they have nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel. And perhaps they are cowardly, running away from everything, rather than facing their problems, and fighting for life. But often, there is no fight left in them.

I wish we could solve the mysteries of the human brain. I wish we could cure all mental illnesses. But right now, we can’t. All we can do is show compassion towards those who are suffering internally. All we can do is try to shine a light for those who have become swallowed by the darkness.

I am not a psychologist. I just wanted to bring attention to a subject that requires attention. Listen to your intuition. If you sense a loved one is suffering and needs help, please reach out.  Don’t ignore the signs. If you yourself are suffering, know there is a way out of the darkness. Ask for help.

I wish you all love and happiness, and I hope a light always shines through the darkness.

If you need help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at:

1-800-273-8255 or http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Running Wild

So, I was watching Running Wild with Bear Grylls and that got my brain on wheels rolling.

Now, I know some of you out there will say Bear Grylls is a cheater or whatever because he possibly stayed at hotels while filming his show, and he’ s not a real survivor, blah, blah, blah. And some will say this new show is only two days and it’s with celebrities and it’s all staged, etc.

But I respect the knowledge that Bear possesses. And he still does some crazy things. He still jumps out of planes and helicopters. He still hikes and climbs. He still makes shelters and fires and meals out of whatever he finds. So what if he stays at a hotel sometimes. I’m not going to judge him for that. I know I would be hard pressed to do half the stuff he does. I’m still trying to figure out how the heck I am going to eat fat, juicy worms that taste like old cream cheese and gristle. Yuk!

However, I’m not here to defend Bear’s honor. People are going to be critical no matter what. As I have said before, humans are great at being critical and judgmental.

What I was thinking about is being out in nature, and surviving.

Now, if you ask my husband, I’m not a big camper. Of course, he compares me to himself and he is the ultimate nature-loving, camping enthusiast. I will admit that I am still trying to make peace with the fact that camping means not having a real bathroom with running water and privacy and light in the middle of the night and protection from creepy crawlies. But overall, I do like running away from the hustle and bustle of the city every now and then. I know I need it. I crave it.

I think that we have strayed so far from our origins as animals. We’ve become “civilized” and tamed and out of touch with the world around us. We’ve encapsulated ourselves in our homes, in our office buildings, in our cars, in our electronic worlds. And while it has served us well in some aspects (i.e. running water), it has also taken something from us.

We are, by nature, animals. And being out in nature allows us to get in touch with that nature. It allows us to shed all the facades we’ve built. It restores us, replenishes us, and frees us. When we get out in the natural world, we forget about our jobs, our bills, our worries.  It is a physical and spiritual cleansing. Yes, it’s dirty and sometimes uncomfortable and challenging. But it makes us feel alive.

I am always awed by the overwhelming beauty of mountains and fields, deserts, and lakes. The myriad of colors and scents. The abundance of life. I always experience a sense of peace and well-being when I’m sitting around a campfire or exploring a trail.

The same can be said for surviving. That is a true test of our spirits, of our souls, of who we are, and who we can be.  It is a challenge. One that takes everything you have, and everything you’ve learned and mixes it up with everything you fear.  There is something about overcoming that challenge, about facing death and making it to the other side that reshapes your view of the world, of life, of yourself.  Surviving, like being in nature, is a physical and spiritual cleansing. It is transformative. You find out what is truly important, what you truly want and what you truly need.

I am always amazed at the light that emanates from those who have looked death in the eye, whether it was climbing a medical mountain or an actual mountain. It seems they love life more than the rest of us know how.

I hope that I learn to live and love with the purity and abandonment that those who have survived do.  And I hope to never take this beautiful natural world for granted. 

I love to read. And I feel the need to keep up with what’s going on in the world. So, I often read news articles, whether in print, in magazines, or online. I’m reading and learning and informing myself, so it’s a great thing, right?

Well, ultimately, yes, it’s a good thing. But sometimes it feels awful. Because the news isn’t always pleasant. Sometimes it depresses me or angers me or makes me cry. It causes me to question and doubt humanity. Sometimes it makes me wish for some kind of Armageddon to purge the earth of a majority of this evil, selfish race known as man. Yes, I said it. And it’s a horrible thing to say. I know. I feel guilty every time I think it. I doubt I’m alone in that.

Most recently, the news has been filled with stories of hate and violence towards women. It all started when I read the story of the girls kidnapped in Nigeria by the extremist group Boko Haram. The name of this group translates to “Western education is a sin.” They have attacked schools and churches, have murdered and kidnapped and terrorized. In this case, they took over 200 school girls and have threatened to sell them into slavery. Slowly, the incident has garnered worldwide attention and angered many. But it hasn’t gain enough attention or action or angered as many as it should. We should all be angry about this. Angry that this group so little values the lives of these girls. Angry that these girls should be denied an education, or punished because they wish to learn. Angry because so many stand by and do nothing.

Then I read about a woman sentenced to die because she married a Christian man, became pregnant with his child, and refused to recant her Christian faith. Again, it’s a matter of extremism.

Then there is the case of the woman stoned to death by members of her own family because she married a man against her family’s wishes. An “honor killing” they say. There is no honor in that.

Then there is the sickening story of the teenage girls who were gang raped and killed in India. Their bodies were found hanging from a tree.

And there is the heartbreaking story of the misogynist who went on a killing rampage. That took place here, on American soil, in my own home state. But in a way, that too is a case of extremism. Not religious, but still extremist. He was extreme in his twisted, hateful view of women. He didn’t see women for who they were, as human individuals. No, all he could see was what he wanted of them. He was blinded by his own selfishness, pride, and chauvinistic views. And innocent people suffered and died because of it.

All this hurt me, angered me, and affected me. As it should. As a female, I can’t help but wonder at the backward views and gender inequality that still exist in this world. I can’t help but cry out for the women and girls of this world who suffer at the hands of those who them as second rate citizens, as slaves, as property. I can’t help but question those who believe women should not be seen or heard or allowed to learn and lead. And I can’t help but wonder why so many of us still sit by while this stuff happens.

I know we have it good here in America. Women have a lot more rights and opportunities than in other countries. But that doesn’t mean misogyny and sexism don’t exist. They do. It isn’t always obvious or extreme. But it’s there. And it isn’t just men with these attitudes. It’s other women, too. I can’t be too critical, either. I understand that we’ve all grown up with ideas of the roles men and and women should play. We think women should want to have children and cook and keep house and be docile. We think men should work and pay the bills and protect. 

Just recently there was a campaign to rid the word “bossy” from the vernacular. Female executives lamented the use of the word to describe women who were in positions of power while males of the same disposition were labeled as “confident leaders.” Some may say it’s not a big deal and it’s just women being sensitive. But there it is again, the biases that sneak into our mindset and color our attitudes.

I’m not a femi-nazi. I’m not saying women should be worshipped as supreme beings. I don’t deny that sexist attitudes can go the other way. They do. I’m only saying that women and men should be respected and treated equally. We are all different and should be judged as individuals, as humans. We should all be allowed an education and equal employment opportunities. We should all be allowed to pave our own life paths. We should not be forced to take any road at gunpoint, whether the weapon be physical or mental or emotional. We should all have the chance to learn, to read, to explore, and to fulfill our potential as human beings. We all deserve love and respect. We shouldn’t be forced to fit any stereotypes, generalities, or traditionally taught ideals. We shouldn’t box each other in based on gender.

In fact, we shouldn’t box each other in at all. Not based on race, or creed, or religion, or anything. I challenge us all to rethink our ideas of what it means to male or female, Christian or Catholic or Muslim or Atheist, American or British or Russian, Democrat or Republican or Socialist.

I also challenge us all to put an end to the rape and torture and abuse and subjugation of women and girls around the world. I challenge us to stop standing by, to say something, and do something. I challenge us to stand up to the likes of Boko Haram. I challenge us to educate and empower the daughters of this world. We can only move forward as a race together, side by side, not with some walking behind with their heads bowed. 

The Jungle

I recently finished The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. If you have not read it, it portrays the struggles of a Lithuanian immigrant named Yurgis Rudkus, who comes to America in the early 1900’s to seek the good life he has heard is possible in this country. Unfortunately, he discovers the streets are not paved with gold, so to speak. Rudkus is forced to take a job as a manual laborer for a slaughterhouse. The work is backbreaking, the hours long, and the pay minimal. Before long, Rudkus has no choice but to send his wife and her family members to work, including children, if they are to survive. They are fleeced by a real estate agent who tricks them into purchasing a house they cannot afford and then kicks them out when they have exhausted their efforts to keep it. They are abused by their bosses who see them as cheap, expendable labor. Illness and death are at every corner, and homelessness and starvation the brutal reality for this family.

It is a truly depressing story. And Sinclair didn’t hold back any details about the conditions of the meat packing industry, so it was disgusting as well. I wasn’t sure I could make it all the way through, but I felt that I should. I knew there was an important message.

Sinclair wanted to draw attention to the plight of the immigrants, of the poor, of those forced to work in unsanitary and intolerable conditions for unfair wages. He wanted to shed light on the corruption of business and government.  A socialist, he wanted to help force change in this capitalist nation plagued by greed.

While slowly making my way through The Jungle, I was reading my history book for class. And I got more of the same story. I read about laborers who struggled for decent wages, how they were beaten and arrested and sometimes even killed when they decided to fight. I read about corruption in government and business. I read about the unsafe working conditions in many factories. One very infamous incident is the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Over one hundred people died because they couldn’t escape the building. Exit and stairwell doors were locked. The flimsy fire escape collapsed. No water came out of the fire hoses. Many of the victims were young immigrant women, who worked countless hours and were paid nearly nothing.

I picked up another book during this time and it told of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.

So, I got to really thinking about all this. Yes, conditions have improved greatly since then. There are laws in place to protect workers. We have minimum wage laws, too. And unions.

But we still have corruption and greed. We always will. I was just thinking it seems we get stuck in cycles. We had the Great Depression. Then regulation changed things (i.e. Glass Steagall, higher taxes for the rich, etc.) The middle class grew. Then we had deregulation and the middle class started to shrink. Then we had bad behavior on Wall Street and the Housing Crisis and now we are in another Depression. (I call it a depression, not just a recession) People are still working for what cannot be called a living wage. People are still struggling to keep their homes and feed their children. Meanwhile, CEOs of large corporations are giving themselves large bonuses and taking lavish vacations.

We should be helping and taking care of all the people of this nation.

I know what you are thinking. I’m a socialist. I know you might want to tell me to move to another country, a socialist one, and see how I like it. Maybe you believe capitalism is the best way possible. Maybe you believe rich people shouldn’t have to pay more taxes because they are “the job creators.” Maybe you think everyone on welfare is lazy. Maybe you think people who are poor are that way because they aren’t smart. Maybe you think unions are all corrupt.

Honestly, I am not a socialist. Or a communist or Anti-American or anti-capitalism. In theory, capitalism allows anyone to rise up, become successful, and make lots of money. In reality, capitalism can and does promote greed. It promotes the idea of everyone for themselves. It creates a dividing and divisive line between the haves and the have-nots.

It’s not necessarily that capitalism doesn’t work. It does. But because it involves humans, it cannot be perfect. Humans are selfish and greedy. And the ultimate goal of capitalism is profit, not the well-being of those working to earn those profits. So, for capitalism to be the best that it can be, it must be regulated. And there must be consequences for those who break laws, abuse the system, abuse others.

And we shouldn’t forget that in the end, life is about more than profits. People don’t exist merely to produce goods or provide services and they are more than their production quotas.

I know, there are issues with welfare programs. I know there are lazy people who will do whatever possible to not have to work.  But there are also people who have little choice but to depend on welfare or unemployment.

I know that there are CEOs and business owners who worked hard to get to where they are. But, if they are making money because many other people are working hard to make and sell their products, why should they get exorbitant bonuses instead of paying their employees a salary they can actually live on?

I am not an economist. I don’t know everything, I don’t have the answers. It’s not easy to solve the problem of economic inequality we have in this country. It’s not easy to find the sweet spot between a free market economy and social justice. And I am an idealist. I believe humanity and love are more important that products. I don’t believe people should be treated as goods, as expendable, as machines. I believe we should help each other, lift each other up, and not trample each other in a desperate bid to reach the top. So, I probably won’t become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

That’s what has been on my mind. I’m planning to do some more reading on capitalism and socialism and economics.

I am glad I read The Jungle and I am grateful for the knowledge I have gained in my history class. As my teacher points out, “ignorance of the past often makes us its prisoner.”

Give and Take

I recently watched the movie Lone Survivor. I also watched The Wolf of Wall Street. These are two very different movies. But they both got me thinking. And my brain on wheels made a connection.

Lone Survivor, if you have not seen or heard of it, is based on a nonfiction book of the same name, written by Marcus Luttrell and Patrick Robinson. It tells the story of a Navy Seal mission in Afghanistan gone wrong. I don’t want to give away the movie in case you intend to watch it. What the movie made me think was how some people give without question. In this case, some people gave their lives in the service of their country and their military brothers.

Now, The Wolf of Wall Street is the complete opposite. This movie is based on the memoir of Jordan Belfort, a former stockbroker convicted of fraud. Although the movie was funny and entertaining, it completely disgusted me. It showcased humans at their worst, absolutely selfish and corrupted. And it made me think of how some people take without question.

I have told you before that I think humans are self centered and self serving by nature. We want what we want and we’ll do what it takes to get it. We seek to fill our needs and desires.  Watching the Wolf, like watching and reading the news, reminded me of this. It reminded me that humans can be, and often are, disgusting, greedy, inconsiderate pigs. Yes, I know that sounds awful, but we are awful sometimes.

Of course, our selfishness doesn’t just manifest itself in big ways. It is on display every time we disregard the feelings of others. Just think about the people in your own lives, the people around you. Think about your own behavior. When you cut someone off in traffic. When you talk on your phone while in the checkout line. When you don’t show your appreciation for someone’s efforts. When you belittle or insult. When you lie. When you demand others to do or give you what you want. When you just expect people to help you when you need it, but then don’t return the favor. When you blame others for your problems. When your conversations revolve around your own troubles and you never ask the other person how they are doing. When you take others for granted. I don’t mean you, as in you individually or specifically. I mean you and me, all of us humans. We all are guilty and we all know people who are guilty.

Blah, blah, blah. I've said all this before and you are probably sick of me ragging on the human race. So, let’s move on, shall we.

These two movies provided a study in contrast for me. I asked myself, “If we are all selfish by nature, what accounts for people who are willing to sacrifice their lives for others?”  And though it is easy to cite examples of human wickedness, there are also stories of great humanity. The true story behind Lone Survivor is such an example. Not only did members of the military give without question, but an Afghan villager helped save the life of an American soldier despite the danger involved.

I recently read about a young boy who died after going back into a burning house to help save a family member.

Last year, Typhoon Haiyan devastated the Philippines. So many organizations gave money to aid those affected. And individuals from different countries and different backgrounds traveled there on their own dime to help in any way they could. People who won't be recognized in the news.

A story came out of the Olympics regarding an opposing coach who ran out to aid an Alpine skier who broke his ski. The coach put on a replacement ski and the competitor was at least able to finish the race. The coach had nothing to gain by helping the skier. 

What about people like Mother Teresa? Martin Luther King, Jr? Mohandas Gandhi? Nelson Mandela? Malala Yousafzai?

These are just notable examples. But again, think about those around you. Maybe they haven’t risked their lives or donated large sums of money. Maybe they gave their time and energy. They didn't have to, but they did. Maybe they offered an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on when you were feeling down. Maybe they bought or made you a gift they obviously put some thought into. Maybe they fed you or gave you a ride or lent you money. Maybe they have infinite patience and put up with all your faults without pointing them out. Maybe they are always helping or giving to others. I know people like that.

So, after considering all this, I had to question my belief that we are all bad, selfish creatures by nature. Is it possible that we are actually inherently good? I used to believe that we were, back when life hadn't chipped away at the idealist in me. But maybe I've always held on to that, somewhere deep down inside.

But if we are all inherently good, what happens to lead us astray? Conversely, if we are all inherently bad, what accounts for the stories of heroism and sacrifice? Is it what we are taught? Is it experience? Does life push us in one direction or the other? Or is it society? Is it all dependent on chemicals or processes in our brains?

I wish that I had a brain for science and could understand human behavior. But then again, maybe it’s not all scientific. Science, after all, can’t always predict human behavior. There’s something else, something more. I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know if we are good or bad by nature. But I would like to think that whatever the answer is, we are all capable of doing good, even great things. I would like to believe there is a hero, or even a saint, in all of us.

What do you think?

Walking in another's shoes

Forgive me for being absent so long and returning with a cliché.

It is the New Year after all and the time we all think about resolutions. Ah yes, that tired old cliché we return to January after January. The long list of things we want to do or change in our lives. The long list of things that we think about, write down, and focus on. The long list of things we’ll eventually forget or ignore come February.

We are only human after all. And we get stuck in the mud of our habits and doubts. Or we find that our ideas and ambitions were shining beacons when we were sitting at home during vacation but then fade away in the darkness of the daily grind we must eventually return to.

Ok, sorry for being negative. I swear one of my resolutions every year is to be more positive!

What has really been on my mind as far as resolutions is this:

      I want to walk in others' shoes.

Not literally of course. I mean that I want to think about other people and how they feel and how my words or actions can affect them. It seems simple enough. And I know I have talked to you about this before. I dread repeating myself, but it seems this is a subject that continually demands attention.

See, I considered myself to be a very compassionate and empathetic person. But as it turns out, I am still very much a selfish person. I have disregarded the thoughts and feelings of my loved ones. I have failed to be considerate of those around me. I try, I really do. But it isn’t easy to step out of my own shoes and try someone else’s for a change.

So, although I have preached about it (forgive me), I still have a long way to go myself. We all do. It’s so easy to preach about. We all preach about it. It’s easy to think about how you have been wronged or slighted. It’s easy to complain about the people around you. It’s easy to sit and stew and allow the hurt you feel to cloud your judgment. It’s easy to point the finger and blame the other. It’s easy to tally up the transgressions of others while forgetting your own.

The hard part is letting go of yourself for just a moment and looking at the situation from the other side. How does the other person feel? What are they thinking? What are they going through? What kind of pain or anger are they dealing with? Is it possible that you hurt them? Is it possible that you disregarded their feelings? Is it possible you haven't tried to understand or acknowledge them? Have you judged them harshly or unfairly?

It’s not easy at all. We are self-centered creatures by nature. Our instincts tell us to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Survival of the me-first, right? So, we don’t naturally think of others. We have to stop and take a moment to think, to consider, to feel. We have to open our minds and hearts, shed a little light on the dark monster that dwells within. That monster that eats away at our humanity every chance it gets.

I am selfish. We are all selfish. I see it every day. Most of the time it seems like no big deal. Someone ate more than their fair share of the cookies. Someone used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t put a new roll on. Someone didn’t say please or thank you or show any appreciation for that thing you did for them. Someone showed up late or didn't show up at all. Someone is always taking and never giving.These little things then add up to giant resentments.

And sometimes, it’s big things. The kinds of things that break hearts and ruin friendships. Words that slice, actions that cut. The things that could have been prevented had you just thought for one second “how would they feel?” If you would have just asked yourself “how would I feel if they did/said that to me?” If you would held back criticism and judgment. If you would have just slipped off your shoes and tried theirs on for size.

Imagine what this world would be if all of us could just be a little more compassionate, a little more forgiving, and a lot more empathetic.

So, that’s one of my resolutions.

Another is to write more. Hopefully you’ll have something new to read before next January.