Teaching the Wrong Lesson

When I was young and living on my own, I worked at an electronics superstore in order to pay for my barely furnished one-room apartment and steady diet of top ramen. For those of you who have worked in retail, you understand such jobs are generally less than satisfying. And you know that sometimes customers can be rude, even downright hostile. I had my share of such customers. When I worked in the customer relations department and had to answer the phone, I had a guy threaten to come down to the store to shoot me and everyone else, simply because he didn't receive the answer he was looking for. It's difficult to fathom how someone could become so violently angry over computer parts.

But that's not what I want to share with you. There was another incident with a rude customer that is burned in my memory. It actually had nothing to do with me, but it hurt me far worse than being threatened by a faceless voice on the line.

The cashier working next to me was having a difficult time dealing with a customer. I don't even remember what the customer was upset about. It was probably a wrong price (that happened often), or it had to do with the company policy of verifying accounts on large purchases. This process was slow and cumbersome, and I completely understood when customers became impatient. 

So, this customer was upset and took it out on the poor cashier who had no power to change the company policies. I can understand venting your frustration. But this customer was directing his frustrations at the cashier, not the policy. He was rude and insulting.

The cashier finally went in search of a supervisor as the customer demanded. It was then the young son of the customer looked up at his father and asked:

"Daddy, why are you being so mean to that person?"

And his father's reply:

"Because sometimes you have to be mean to get what you want."

Oh, how my heart hurt for that little boy. And for his father. 

Now, I understand the need to defend oneself. To speak up and speak out. To fight for what you want and need. Sometimes, you need to be firm. But that is completely different than bullying people. And that is essentially what this man was teaching his son. He was teaching him to be a bully. He was teaching him that it is acceptable to yell and insult and be rude to get what you want. 

I wonder if that boy grew up to be just like his father. I wonder if he taught his own children that same lesson. I wonder how often the same lesson is taught in homes across the country, across the globe. I wonder if that is why the news is constantly filled with tragedy. Why people pick up guns and shoot innocent strangers. Why people vent their frustrations through violent acts. Why people can't just agree to disagree or simply talk things out. 

I understand that humans can be violent creatures. We are wired to survive. And the fight for survival can be ugly and violent. But getting what you want at a retail store is not survival. Proving your political or religious beliefs are right and better than others is not survival. Hurting or killing innocent people because you didn't get exactly what you want or your life isn't going as planned or your marriage fell apart or you lost your job or someone insulted you is not survival.

You might be thinking "Wow, that escalated quickly. How do you relate teaching kids to be mean to get what they want and mass shootings?" And I wouldn't disagree it's quite an extrapolation. But it's not difficult for troubled minds to leap from bullying to more egregious acts of violence. It's not difficult for troubled minds to turn "sometimes you have to be mean to get what you want," into something darker and more dangerous.

I know, it's not as simple as people being taught to be cruel. I know there are significant mental health issues involved. I know there are significant gun issues involved. And there is no easy answer to any of it.

Yes, there is a primal violence within us. But we have brains and hearts. We can rise above those violent tendencies. We can be good people. We can treat each other with love and dignity and respect. And that is what we should be teaching our children. To be kind to each other. Not just to get what they want, but to give what the world needs:

Love. Understanding. Kindness. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Patience. Friendship.

The world desperately needs more of all of it. Now.