My Reasons

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I know, a little late to the game, right? Unfortunately, my son, who I love with all my heart, gave me his cold as a Valentine gift. Bless his little heart, he felt so bad when he came home to find me in bed, sneezing and sniffling. He even apologized. Talk about love.

Yes, let’s talk about love. You know I believe that love is our reason for living. And though my heart has been open all my life, I never truly understood what pure, unconditional love was. I didn't know how much and how deeply I could love. Not until I got married and had a child.

In my younger years, I was desperate for love and affection. We could go into the psychology of it all, but we all understand the reasons we have for searching for acceptance, validation, understanding. And I don't want to play that "poor me, my childhood wasn't perfect" card. Basically, I felt alone and very much misunderstood.

I dated a lot. But I didn't always choose wisely. In fact, for the most part, I chose poorly. I guess like a lot of women, I liked the bad boys. In my mind, it wasn't so much bad as it was “different.” Because I felt different. And admittedly, I was kind of bad. I always felt there were too many rules and limitations. I didn't want to conform. I wanted to be a free bird. Unfortunately, I only caused myself to be alienated and hurt. Girls thought I was a boyfriend stealer and boys thought I was just a girl to have fun with.

As I got older, my decision making didn't improve much. I still chose the guys who liked to play, who strung me along, who acted as though they might want something serious but would never say the words. There were nice guys. But of course, they weren't for me. It would be unfair of me to say that I never hurt anyone. Because I did. And I regret it.

Yes, I had my heart broken many times. And each time I swore I would never let it happen again. I would play the game and I would keep my heart under lock and key. But I am too sensitive, too emotional, and too much the hopeless romantic.

And then one day, he came into my life. The first time I saw him, I knew. I just knew. He was the one. It was as though time stood still, as though the world melted away, and all I could see was him. His beautiful blue eyes, his playful smile.

It was a while before he asked me out. Circumstances were not perfect. I had a broken heart, he had a heart on the mend. Life was life, never calm or easy. I think we both thought we should take it slow, I think we tried to be careful. But love doesn't play by any rules. He quickly welcomed me into his life and into his heart. He accepted me for all that I was and all that I wasn't  For so long, I had been convinced that somehow I didn't deserve to be loved. He showed me I was wrong, and helped me to learn to love myself.

It was easy for us to be together. There were no walls between us. We could share ourselves completely with each other.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me crazy. We have fun together, no matter what we do or where we go. We finish each other’s thoughts, ask each other questions, teach each other. And we can’t get enough of each other. 

When I gave birth to our son, the bond that united us became stronger. And I fell in love again-with him, and our boy. I see so much beauty and hope in my son’s eyes. His laugh is like music for my soul. His empathy and sensitivity touch my heart. And he loves me, completely and unconditionally. I am his mommy, and always will be.

Life has its ups and downs. We have had our share of hard times and struggles. But our love not only keeps us going strong, it keeps the smiles on our faces. It doesn't matter what we don’t have, as long as we have each other. Though none of us are perfect, we love each other just the same, and we try to be better for each other.

Sometimes, I feel so full of love for them, I want to cry. No matter what I write or say, no words ever seem to be enough. It’s powerful, overwhelming, amazing, exhilarating, frightening.

They are my loves. They are my Valentines. They are my reasons for living.

I hope that you all have found yours. If not, don't ever give up hope. You all deserved to be loved-truly and unconditionally loved.

Letter from God

I recently read The Shack by WM Paul Young . It was quite moving and it stirred up so many emotions in me, I felt I had to share with you. If you are not familiar with the novel, it centers on a man whose daughter has disappeared. Though she is never found, evidence points to something terrible happening to her in a dilapidated shack in the wilds of Oregon. A long time later, the man receives a letter from God (?) requesting a meeting at that very shack.

I am always deeply saddened by any tragedy, but especially so when children are involved. And I struggle with the everyday evidence of man’s inhumanity to man. So, that part certainly struck me, made me cry. But it’s what occurs when the man returns to the shack that reached somewhere deeper inside me.

Now, I am not what you would call a religious person. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an atheist. I believe there is a God. But I don’t pretend to know what God is, male or female or something different altogether. I don’t attend church because I believe that God is everywhere, in everything and everyone and that we should celebrate and honor all every day, not just for an hour on Sunday.

Although I attended church almost every Sunday as a young girl, I eventually found myself at odds with religion. I couldn't understand the history of murder and corruption and hypocrisy. But I've also come to understand that, unfortunately, that’s just human nature at its worst, and all societies have been guilty of such. And the truth is that some of the most wonderful parts of humans can be seen in churches, in religious gatherings and ceremonies, and in acts done in the name of God.

My disillusionment with religion stems from certain questions I have in regards to religious contradictions. Everyone says God is love. If that is true, then why have people been outcast, shamed, tortured, and killed all in the name of God? That doesn't sound like love to me. And if the bible tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, why do people hate those who are not of their race, culture, or religion? What about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone?” From what I can see, everyone is throwing stones, regardless of the wrong they themselves are guilty of. People won't forgive others but expect complete forgiveness from God. People spend so much time and energy passing their judgments on others, condemning whoever they think is not worthy of love and acceptance, I wonder how anyone has any time or heart left to love.

And as I have said before, I think our whole purpose on this planet is to love and be loved. And if God is love, then to love is to serve God, right?

I don’t want to offend or argue. I really just want to share my thoughts, because this book touched me. It caused me ponder on my own ideas of faith, and it awakened my desire to connect with the Divine.

It made me look into my own soul.

I don’t want to tell you what you should believe, but I will share with you my own feelings. I believe it’s in our relationships with each other that we find God. It’s in being kind and forgiving and accepting others. It’s in releasing our anger and hatred, in dismissing our prejudices and resentments. It’s in being the best human we can possibly be.

It’s also in appreciating the awesome beauty that surrounds us. It’s in respecting all living creatures. It’s in admiring the forests, the mountains, the desert, the ocean. If we truly wanted to honor God, we wouldn't treat his/her/it’s creations the way we do.

I also don't believe that we should blame God for all our troubles. We shouldn't look up when screaming "why?!" We should look in the mirror, not only as individuals, but as a society. Nor should we turn to God only in times of need, begging for everything from here to the moon. And yes, sometimes things are out of our individual control, but that doesn't mean God is purposely causing us pain. Life is not perfect. There will be pain. But we have the power to move on, to become stronger, to do better. We are ultimately responsible for ourselves. 

I know, you don’t read my blog looking for a sermon. And I certainly am not qualified to give one. I am only human, imperfect and dripping with sin. I don’t expect you to agree with me. In fact, I want you to do your own asking, searching, and looking within. I didn't necessarily agree with all the author’s ideas myself.

But perhaps, if we all take a moment to reflect on what it means to be human, to have a heart and soul, and to be children of God, we will find a way to live better lives, and to create a better world.