My Reasons

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I know, a little late to the game, right? Unfortunately, my son, who I love with all my heart, gave me his cold as a Valentine gift. Bless his little heart, he felt so bad when he came home to find me in bed, sneezing and sniffling. He even apologized. Talk about love.

Yes, let’s talk about love. You know I believe that love is our reason for living. And though my heart has been open all my life, I never truly understood what pure, unconditional love was. I didn't know how much and how deeply I could love. Not until I got married and had a child.

In my younger years, I was desperate for love and affection. We could go into the psychology of it all, but we all understand the reasons we have for searching for acceptance, validation, understanding. And I don't want to play that "poor me, my childhood wasn't perfect" card. Basically, I felt alone and very much misunderstood.

I dated a lot. But I didn't always choose wisely. In fact, for the most part, I chose poorly. I guess like a lot of women, I liked the bad boys. In my mind, it wasn't so much bad as it was “different.” Because I felt different. And admittedly, I was kind of bad. I always felt there were too many rules and limitations. I didn't want to conform. I wanted to be a free bird. Unfortunately, I only caused myself to be alienated and hurt. Girls thought I was a boyfriend stealer and boys thought I was just a girl to have fun with.

As I got older, my decision making didn't improve much. I still chose the guys who liked to play, who strung me along, who acted as though they might want something serious but would never say the words. There were nice guys. But of course, they weren't for me. It would be unfair of me to say that I never hurt anyone. Because I did. And I regret it.

Yes, I had my heart broken many times. And each time I swore I would never let it happen again. I would play the game and I would keep my heart under lock and key. But I am too sensitive, too emotional, and too much the hopeless romantic.

And then one day, he came into my life. The first time I saw him, I knew. I just knew. He was the one. It was as though time stood still, as though the world melted away, and all I could see was him. His beautiful blue eyes, his playful smile.

It was a while before he asked me out. Circumstances were not perfect. I had a broken heart, he had a heart on the mend. Life was life, never calm or easy. I think we both thought we should take it slow, I think we tried to be careful. But love doesn't play by any rules. He quickly welcomed me into his life and into his heart. He accepted me for all that I was and all that I wasn't  For so long, I had been convinced that somehow I didn't deserve to be loved. He showed me I was wrong, and helped me to learn to love myself.

It was easy for us to be together. There were no walls between us. We could share ourselves completely with each other.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me crazy. We have fun together, no matter what we do or where we go. We finish each other’s thoughts, ask each other questions, teach each other. And we can’t get enough of each other. 

When I gave birth to our son, the bond that united us became stronger. And I fell in love again-with him, and our boy. I see so much beauty and hope in my son’s eyes. His laugh is like music for my soul. His empathy and sensitivity touch my heart. And he loves me, completely and unconditionally. I am his mommy, and always will be.

Life has its ups and downs. We have had our share of hard times and struggles. But our love not only keeps us going strong, it keeps the smiles on our faces. It doesn't matter what we don’t have, as long as we have each other. Though none of us are perfect, we love each other just the same, and we try to be better for each other.

Sometimes, I feel so full of love for them, I want to cry. No matter what I write or say, no words ever seem to be enough. It’s powerful, overwhelming, amazing, exhilarating, frightening.

They are my loves. They are my Valentines. They are my reasons for living.

I hope that you all have found yours. If not, don't ever give up hope. You all deserved to be loved-truly and unconditionally loved.