I have always had somewhat of a fascination with all things dark and morbid. I devour books about vampires and witches. I believe in ghosts and have been glued to the television watching multiple episodes of A Haunting. I’m also a big fan of horror films and shows.  And I know I’m not the only one judging by the popularity of shows such as The Walking Dead. (Yes, I’m hooked too) So, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch the first episode of the new season of American Horror Story. I was especially excited about seeing witches in action. However, I had to change the channel before the show was over.

Yes, I like dark. But I like dark and mysterious. I am curious about that which cannot be explained or understood. I want to know the secrets of magic and paranormal activity.

And although the show had witches and mysterious events, it had other things that I just couldn't watch. Namely, torture and rape. Now, I know you are probably thinking “but a lot of horror movies have torture.” And you would be right. But I've never been a fan of gratuitous torture. I can’t sit there while someone is being subjected to all kinds of cruel, unspeakable acts (i.e. Hostel). And in this show, it was torture of slaves. As if slavery wasn't torture in itself. As for rape, well, I can’t sit there and watch that either. I know, it’s just television and it was all acting. But I just couldn't deal with it.

So maybe I need to qualify my fascination. I like dark and mysterious. I like when the artist, be it an author or director, leaves “something to the imagination” so to speak. It’s what I can’t see, what I can’t explain, what I don’t know that fascinates me. It’s not knowing what lurks in the darkness just beyond or what could happen when I venture out that gets my blood pumping.  I like that adrenaline rush.

I’m not scared of ghosts or vampires or witches. I guess you could say that I have a fascination with the romantic side of darkness. It’s the mystery and exoticism that I am attracted to. It’s the idea of another realm or dimension where reality has been turned upside down and inside out and the impossible is possible.

What I am not fascinated with is true evil. I am frightened of true evil. And the scariest part-it’s not just mystery, but is real and exists. Torture and rape, that’s evil. And they are a reality of this world. They happen in broad daylight, all too often. And there are no vampires or witches or demons to blame. No, the blame falls to humans. And that is the most frightening. The knowledge that anyone of us can commit such cruel, heinous acts upon another. I guess that is why I couldn't continue watching the show. It was dark, but it wasn't just about the mysterious. It compounded the fear factor by focusing on the darkness that exists within humans. It showed the evil that humans are capable of. And that’s real. There is no turning off the television and forgetting. The reality is slaves were tortured.  People are tortured and people are raped. People are murdered. And often, it is the most vulnerable and innocent people.

They say that we should face our fears to overcome them. So, perhaps we should face our darkness to overcome it. Perhaps being exposed to the things that can and do happen in this world will wake us up and force us to make better, do better.  Maybe shows such as American Horror Story can serve this purpose. But I can’t help but wonder if these shows exist because many are fascinated with the morbid in a more dangerous way. What if some enjoy watching torture and rape? I shudder to think it.

Then again, maybe it’s a way for people to release the darkness within them. Maybe watching such shows is a way for people to exorcise the demon within. I understand that we may not be as civilized as we think. That underneath our refined facade we are all animals with untamed thoughts, lusts, and hungers. Maybe humans need to deal with this without consequences.  We can’t deny our own evil, our own darkness. After all, humans are writing and acting in these shows. It comes from somewhere.

I don’t mean to be so dramatic about a mere television show. This is just how my brain works. What do you think? What is truly frightening to you?

Life Happens

I just celebrated a birthday and getting older makes me look at back at my life and where I thought I would be at this age. And I now have a greater appreciation for the saying “Men plan, God laughs.”

Yes, I had a lot of plans. And yes, God laughed.

As a little girl, I had many ambitious answers to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I even aspired to be the first female president of the United States. That’s how all little ones think. There are no limitations to what you can do, who you can be.

I eventually settled on being a famous writer. At least for a moment. I started writing poetry in sixth grade and I thought “hey, this might be my thing.” I admit, my writing left a lot to be desired, but I was only eleven. What did I know?

Then, in high school, I got the wild idea that I wanted to study psychology and theater. I even thought I could do a double major! (What?!?!?) I was going to work in an institution for the mentally insane and perform on stage. Does that even make sense? What a crazy dreamer I was.

Then I wanted to be an actress. I was going to be in the movies! I loved the feeling of being on stage. I loved the imagination involved. I could be anyone, anywhere, anytime, if just for a few moments.

I also thought I might not get married or have kids. I was going to be successful and travel the world and never settle into the boring, mundane life that most people do. I swore I would not depend on a man to take care of me, but make my own way, make my own money, and do my own thing.

But, as we all figure out eventually, life doesn't always go according to plan. And my express train to independence and success got derailed. And I found myself on a crowded bus heading for who knows where. I quit going to college, dated and partied a lot, just kind of drifting along waiting for something to happen.

As for acting, I was an extra in a couple of shows. But it didn’t pan out. My means of transportation broke down and I couldn’t afford to fix it and that made it hard to make it to gigs, a lot of which were in L.A. And I had a full time job and I couldn’t take the day off at a moment’s notice when I got a call to be an extra. And the money wasn’t anything to brag about. So, I gave up on that dream.

Then, out of nowhere, my husband walked into my life. I didn’t plan on falling in love, but it happened. I didn’t plan on moving in with him and getting married and having a baby. But it all happened.

Then I went back to school to study Interior Design. Then I was selling and installing floors.

So, I am nowhere I planned to be by now. But even though my life didn’t work out according to my grand scheme, it all worked out. I can’t imagine life without my husband and son. They are everything to me. They make life fun and amazing and beautiful and crazy. They give my life meaning.

I admit that I am not happy selling floors or being an administrative assistant. No, I want more. That is why I have goals. Not plans, but goals. I don’t know what else life may throw at me. I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. All I know is what I want, what I will work towards, what I can do. So, I have my goals and I will work towards those goals, but I can’t say they won’t change.

What are my goals? To become an interior designer, to create beauty for others. Yes, floors may be involved, but that won’t be all. To design accessories and furniture. To publish at least one book. To create beauty in this world. To raise my son right and watch him grow and set his own goals. To love and cherish my husband and grow old with him. To be the best person that I can be.  To live each day, appreciate all that I have been given, and to meet each challenge to the best of my ability. Those are my goals.

As for plans, well, we all know what happens to those. So, I will assess, adapt, and advance (my husband owns all rights to that saying) as I find my way along this bumpy, winding, roller coaster like labyrinth of a road they call life.

That is life. It changes, it takes side roads, it goes places you didn’t want to go. But that is what makes you stronger, what makes you take a long hard, look at yourself. It forces you to discover who you truly are and what you truly want. It challenges you and breaks you down and builds you up. It isn’t always fair. It isn’t always beautiful. But it’s always exciting. Would we want it any other way?

So, I will just take it day by day. And share a few laughs with God.