Looking Back

My husband and I were doing some spring cleaning. Yes, I know, it’s almost the end of summer. Better late than never I always say, maybe because I’m always late. Anyway, we opened up the cave under the stairs in order to stuff some rarely used junk in there, and my husband came upon a cardboard box. He handed it to me to figure out what was in it and if it was necessary to have it take up precious storage space. I slowly pulled back the packing tape, half expecting some giant spider to jump out and bite my face. But when I peeked inside, it wasn’t cobwebs and arachnids that I found, but memories.

This box was really all I had left of my youth. I moved away from home at 18. My mother moved away a few years later and unfortunately, whatever I left behind got tossed. Not her fault really. She had some people living in the house at the time, and they did some purging before they left. But I digress. So, inside this box were some old report cards, awards, trophies, and letters and notes. I pulled everything out and suddenly, nostalgia grabbed my hand and took me for a stroll down memory lane. Well, maybe it was more like the Ghost of Christmas Past pushing me into the ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’.

As I looked at my report cards, CTBS test results, and scholarly awards, I exclaimed, “I was smart back then!”

My husband responded, “You don’t lose it, you’re still smart.”

So, what happened between then and now? Well, as I looked at the report cards from my later years in high school, I remembered. I lost my way, as many teenagers do. I wasn’t sure who I was or if I belonged or what I really wanted in life. I was confused and a mess emotionally. Instead of focusing on school work and my future, I got lost in my own head. Then came the partying. And it was all downhill from there. My straight A’s turned to B’s then C’s and yes, there were a couple of D’s and yikes, an F. Now, I wonder what would have happened if I had remained on the straight and narrow. Perhaps I would have attended UCSD and gotten that double major in Psychology and Drama. (I know, strange combo right?)

As I pondered what my future would have been like had I graduated with honors and been accepted to a prestigious university, I began to read the letters and cards from old friends and admirers. Some made me smile, some made me sad, but they all made me realize a few things. At the time, I always felt alone and unloved. I felt like an outsider. But reading those old notes, I see now that I wasn’t alone and that people did care about me. I also realized that I was so wrapped up in myself, that I couldn’t see the love, pain, passion, anger, and beauty in the people around me. I wish I could tell everyone that I’m sorry if I hurt them or pushed them away. I wish I could thank everyone for their friendship, for their love, for being a part of my life. I wish I knew then what I know now. But hindsight is always 20/20 right?

So, here I am. I can’t go back. I can’t unsay the things I shouldn’t have said or say the things I should have. I can’t undo the things I shouldn’t have done or do the things I should have. And if I keep looking back, I’ll run into a wall. No, I won’t live with regret and sorrow. I won’t let the past keep me from enjoying  the present. I know that as humans, we all make mistakes. All we can do is learn from them. And our mistakes help shape who we are.

They say everything happens for a reason. I may not have a degree (yet). I may not be voted Most Successful at my next class reunion. I may have had a lot of people walk out of my life. But I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son and they both think I’m smart. Some of those notes I found were from friends who are still in my life, who still love me for the crazy person I am. I am working towards a degree that is better suited for my personality. I have had many great experiences, and met many great people . In short, I am happy with the way things turned out. I am happy that life has twists and turns and ups and downs and that I got to experience it all. The unpredictability of life is part of its beauty, and never really knowing what will happen makes us appreciate every moment.

So, it just wouldn’t be my blog if I didn't throw in a song so here you are...