A House Divided Part II

The election is over. The results are in. And yet, there is no closure, no peace. We are still very much a nation divided. 

People are shocked, saddened, disappointed, and even angry about the results. I will admit that I am as well. I did not vote for him. I could not.

Now, I understand why the people chose him. Well, technically, the people chose someone else, but the electoral college system has been in place for a long time. We can't accept it when it goes in our favor,  and then complain when it doesn't.

The American people have been angry for a long time. The country is still trying to crawl out of the recession. Hard working men and women lost jobs or saw their savings dwindle. They became incensed with the banks and resentful of billionaire CEOs. And they blamed the government for not doing more to protect the average person from the wolves of Wall Street.

Maybe some of it was religiously motivated. Maybe a lot of people felt like this country has become too liberal. Maybe they wanted someone who would repeal Roe v. Wade. And here was this man who said women who have abortions should be punished. Perhaps there are many who were opposed to gay rights. And here was this man who said he was opposed to national marriage equality.

Another thing I hear all the time is how America has become "wussified." That we're all too sensitive and easily offended and self-entitled.  And here was this man who said whatever he wanted, no matter how offensive. 

People wanted, needed change. They wanted something, someone different. They didn't want another politician who would make empty promises all the while lining his or her pockets with special interest money. And along comes this so called "straight shooter" who seemed the embodiment of a great big middle finger to the establishment.

I wanted change as much as anyone else. But not change simply for change's sake. And although our president elect made a lot of promises, I never really heard him outline specific steps he would take to make the sweeping changes he promised. I didn't hear about actual, logistically sound solutions. Add to that some of the very disturbing things he said and I just could not vote for him. I could not vote for someone who I saw as a racist, misogynistic hate monger.

I know some of you don't agree with me. 

You believe he is a good man, that you have to "see through the weeds," as one woman put it. You'll say he really isn't racist, that he denounced the support of the Klu Klux Klan. And I'll say that his rhetoric fueled them, emboldened them. I'll point to the recent flying of the Nazi flag and the countless displays of racist graffiti that have since sprung up around the country. I'll tell you about the attacks on Muslims and people of color since the election results.

You'll say he isn't sexist or misogynistic. You'll say he has a lot of female supporters. I'll point out that he refers to women in derogatory terms, and insults and attacks any who disagree with him. He calls women nasty, fat pigs, and dogs. I'll remind you how he said he could grab women by their genitalia because he was famous.  You'll say it's all just words, that men sometimes say things like that. Maybe you'll even call it "locker room talk." And then you'll say his opponent's husband did a lot worse than talk.

I'll say that his words have incited hate and violence. He once implied that his opponent should be shot. He also said his supporters should "knock the crap out" of people protesting against him and that he would pay the bail for those who did so. He said he could shoot someone in Times Square and he would still have support. Again, you'll say it's all just words. And I'll tell you that a leader's words can push people to act, whether good or bad, and so his or her words should be chosen more carefully.

We could go on like this all day. And while I may not agree with you, I will listen to your point of view and try to understand what motivates you to support this man. I would like to think that you would do the same and try to understand why I didn't vote for him. But maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you quit reading this after the first paragraph.

The point is that we are all different, and we will not always agree. As I said before, we have different lives, different experiences, different perspectives. Every election cycle, half the people are unhappy with the results. And while I don't like the results of this election, I wouldn't vandalize property or burn the flag or attack anyone I thought voted for this man. I don't think you can denounce the hateful rhetoric of someone, and then proceed to be hateful yourself. That not only defeats your cause, but it only further divides. 

I'm not saying people shouldn't protest. That is a protected right. This country was built on protests. And had this man's opponent won, I'm sure his supporters would be protesting. But the protests should be peaceful.

Now is the time we all need to come together. We may not agree, but we are all a part of this American family. We can't continue down this dark, divisive path. Hatred will only lead to our destruction. We need to stop shouting insults at each other. We need to stop looking down on anyone who doesn't agree with us. We need to figure out how to love and accept each other in spite of our differences.

I honestly hope that the president-elect is better than the campaign he ran. I hope his words were just words. I hope he seeks to truly do what is right and good for this country. And so, even though I didn't vote for him, I will support him, as he will be our President, and I love this country.

However, I must use my voice to call out to our future President, to beseech him to use his words carefully, to denounce the hate and violence that has been displayed on his behalf. I beg him to be a President of, and for the people. FOR THE PEOPLE, ALL THE PEOPLE, NO MATTER RACE OR GENDER OR RELIGION OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

UNITE THIS COUNTRY SIR. FOR YOU ARE PART OF THIS REASON IT HAS BECOME SO DIVIDED.

A House Divided

I last wrote about not taking things personal. Today, I write about not making things personal.

Election day is just around the corner. And I am glad of it, because I can't take much more of this contentious presidential race. I am completely irritated with all the mud-slinging, name calling, and finger pointing. And the bad behavior isn't confined to the candidates alone.

This has to be one of the most divisive elections in history. It has torn this nation apart. Many protests have been staged. But people aren't just protesting. Instead of being satisfied with hurling insults at each other, supporters of both candidates have taken to hurling rocks and throwing punches. A GOP office in North Carolina was firebombed. Then a letter with a suspicious white substance was sent to the Democratic campaign headquarters. It's ugly out there.

Unfortunately, this election is not only dividing the nation, it is dividing couples, and families, and friends. 

Cosmopolitan.com conducted a survey in which 42% of respondents said the campaign "has negatively affected their relationships with someone close to them." In a poll by Monmouth University, 7% of participants said they had lost friends because of the election. I read articles in varying publications with anecdotes of people fighting with friends and loved ones because of their decision to support one candidate or another. In extreme cases, even family members have stopped talking to each other.

And in this age of social media, people are debating their beliefs in very public forums. I've seen countless examples on Facebook of people exclaiming their support or hate, and threatening to unfriend anyone who disagrees with their choice. I've seen the arguments which have ensued. And they aren't always polite.

It doesn't seem to be enough to argue about the candidate's platform. No, people are attacking and insulting the candidates, and then attacking and insulting each other. In short, people have made this election very, very personal. Instead of accepting our differences and agreeing to disagree, we are waging war against the opposition.

Now, I admit I have questioned why people support a certain candidate. I see him as a bully, a racist, a misogynist, and fear monger. But my main complaint is that he has yet to provide real, honest solutions to the problems we all face. I will not vote for him. Yet, I am still undecided, because I am not sure if the other candidates can provide real solutions either. But people make the assumption that if you don't support one candidate, then you support the other which makes you an enemy (technically, there are more than two candidates, but then people get into that whole "a vote for so-and-so is a vote for the opposition," and that's another story in itself).

While I may not agree with some of you, I would never call you stupid. Nor would I refer to you in derogatory terms or attack who you are as a person. I would hope that you could return that favor.

See, this isn't personal.

Well, it is personal in that each one of us has a say in who takes office. And we all want to select the person who is best suited for the job. The person who will make a positive difference. The person who will help us all live better lives. The person who will make sweeping changes. The people of this country have been dealing with a lot of adversity. And they are tired and angry. This vote will make a difference in so many individual lives. So, yes, it is personal in that way.

But we shouldn't make it a personal battle with everyone who we disagree with.

This country has been a bastion of political freedom and civil liberty. We have also been called "the melting pot of the world." People of all walks of life, of all different races and cultures and religions, call America home. We are different. This is a beautiful thing. A thing to be celebrated.

So yes, we will have different beliefs and ideas. We will have different political leanings. We will have different opinions of who should take office and what that person should do once they take office. And debate is healthy. Debate forces everyone to think, and consider, and evaluate. Debate forces us to see all sides of an issue in order to come to a logical solution to real problems.

But we have to actually behave like reasonable adults. We have to cast aside our pigheaded pettiness and stop the name calling and violence. Because all this ugliness is not what America is about.

We should learn to have honest, straightforward conversations about the issues. We should also realize that we can't always change people's minds, even with logical arguments. We should accept that we won't agree with everyone, including our friends and family. And we should love them all nonetheless. We should always keep an open mind and an open heart.

Don't hate someone just because you disagree. Don't make it personal.

Be Happy

I recently celebrated my birthday, and I decided to have a party. See, I'm a Libra. And if you believe in that stuff, you know us Libras are social creatures. We enjoy parties. And if you don't believe in that stuff, well, I'll just tell you, I am a very social creature. And I enjoy parties. I like to have fun, and dance, and laugh. The eat, drink, and be merry type. So, that's what I wanted to do.

I invited a lot of people. Of course, I've come to understand that half the people you invite to a party won't make it. That's just life. So, yes, a lot of people had to turn down my invitation. Some people just didn't respond at all. Now, that selfish, little-girl part of me was somewhat bothered by that. I did have to take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. At my age, people are busy. They have family obligations. They have children with busy schedules. They have jobs.  And partying is at the bottom of the priority list. I've had to miss other people's parties for a variety of reasons, and maybe my absence disappointed them.

Some people showed up and only stayed for a short time. Again, I understand that as you get older, you just can't rock all night like you did when you were young. I'm often in bed by 9:00 myself. Plus, you have to get home to relieve the babysitter. Maybe you just want to get home to kiss your children goodnight. Maybe you're tired after a long work week. Maybe you don't feel well. Maybe you're dealing with a lot of stuff and you're not in the mood to party all night. I understand that. I've left parties early myself.

It ended up being an intimate party. But I completely appreciated everyone who showed up, even if it was just for a little while. They might not even know how much it meant to me just to have them there, but it was the best gift they could have given me. And, I had a blast! I smiled and laughed all night. If I had been sad or upset about the people who didn't show up, then I wouldn't have had all that fun with the people who did!

What I'm getting to, is that in life, you have to learn not to take things personally. So some people didn't make it to my party. It wasn't personal. Because the world doesn't revolve around me. The world doesn't revolve around any of us. We are actually very small in the grand scheme of things. The universe is this vast place, and we are just specks of dust.

Today, another one of my writing submissions was rejected. And it just reminded me how far I am from where I want to be. It reminded me how I've been unable to find success in writing or interior design. It reminded me how I'm stuck doing accounting and data entry. Now, while a part of me wanted to get into the fetal position and cry, I had to remind myself that rejection and failure are a part of the process, a part of life. We all have moments of rejection. Moments where we feel like failures. Moments we feel slighted, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. Moments where people hurt or anger us. Whether it's a friend or family member who said or did something or it's someone who cut us off in traffic or someone saying, "thanks, but no thanks." We take it as a personal affront, when really, it's not. We can't see everything as a personal attack.

My son had a basketball game and the parents and coach of the other team were constantly complaining about the calls the referees made. They accused the refs of calling everything for my son's team, when in reality, there were good and bad calls both ways. But they took it personally and yelled and complained. It's something you see a lot in sports. People blaming the refs when a game isn't going their way. But I saw how hard the kids on the other team were working and their team hadn't won a game, and I'm sure the parents felt bad for them. They didn't want to see their children lose again. The refs weren't very happy about all that yelling and complaining, but it's something they have to deal with all the time. They have to learn not to take it personally. And in situations such as that, it helps to try to understand where the other person is coming from. What is going on in their hearts or minds or lives that is driving their behavior? What are they going through? What are they dealing with? And does it really have anything to do with me?

When it seems like the world is against you and nothing is going your way, it's easy to just cry and ask "why is this happening to me?"

But that doesn't make things better. 

It only makes you unhappy.

I know. Whether it was my writing being rejected, or not being able to get a career going in interior design, or my house and vehicles needing repairs when money was tight, or my favorite football team losing, I have pouted and complained and asked "why?!?" But what did that do? It didn't make me feel better or solve any problems. No, I felt worse. I drowned myself in negativity. I got caught up in that vicious cycle, falling fast in that downward spiral.

So, getting back to happiness...

If we stay rooted in our own egocentric ways of looking at things, then we will continually be disappointed and unhappy. The world isn't out to get us. Things happen. Stuff breaks. People are rude, and selfish, and unkind. We have to take a deep breath, take a step back, and take a different perspective on things. We have to try to understand other people and their reasons for doing things.

We must understand that neither our happiness nor unhappiness are dependent on the people or things that surround us. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, how we allow people and events to make us feel. 

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect. Things won't always be as we want them to be, as we hoped or expected them to be. We can't and we don't control everything in our lives. But we can control how we react, how we feel, how we deal with whatever happens. We can choose to be negative, to cry and complain, to ask "why me?"

Or we can stop taking everything so personal, be happy, and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in.

PATRIOTISM AND PROTEST

It's that time of year again. No, not pumpkin spice everything season.  It's football season!

Alas, while I would love to talk about football, my team keeps blowing leads and losing in the fourth quarter, so I'm just a little bitter right now. Also, I don't think most of you read my blogs for sports updates anyway.

What I really want to talk about is the controversial conversation sparked by the actions of an NFL quarterback.

It is a tradition to have someone sing the national anthem before every game. Most people will stand during this time. I even stand and put my hand over my heart when I'm watching the game on television. This is a sign of respect for our great nation.

But this quarterback did not stand. He sat. And of course, with the game being televised, millions of people saw this and wanted to know why he sat.

His answer:

                "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color...There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."

He sat in protest. He sat down to stand up for the rights of those who have been shot down.

Now, most people would agree there is a problem. With the rash of fatal police shootings of minorities, some unarmed, people want answers. People want change. Including this quarterback who sat down.

However, not everyone agrees with his method. Many people were angered by what they call "blatant disrespect of America, of the military, and law enforcement." In fact, he said he has received death threats.

Now, I may not necessarily agree with his methods. I take great pride in knowing that I live in a country where someone can protest and create change. Even though this country has serious problems, it is a free country. And that is why I respect this man's right to protest, whether or not I agree with his methods. I can't understand people who threaten another person's life for protesting in a country that was founded by protesters.

But that seems to be who we are as humans. If someone does something we don't like or agree with, our hackles immediately go up. We pass judgment. We hate. We spew out anger and vitriol. We criticize and condemn. We threaten. And sometimes we act on those threats.

Imagine how much more peaceful it would be if we all just stepped back, took a deep breath, and tried to understand the other side. Because the thing is, we all act based upon our own feelings, our own thoughts, our own experiences and biases. We all see things from our own perspective. But everyone's perspective is different.  Everyone's life experience is different. And we all have biases. We may not realize it, but we do. We judge people based on what we think and believe. We judge based on what we've gone through in our own lives. We judge based only on what we see and hear and understand. We don't know what that other person has been through. We don't know their pain, their anger, their struggles. We don't know what they think or how they feel or how they see the world. And we don't always have the facts of a situation.

I honestly don't know exactly what happened in each fatal confrontation. All I know is there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The violence needs to end, on both sides. Because cops are dying, too. And they are humans as well. Every day they put on that uniform, they know there is a chance they will face danger. But they kiss their loved ones goodbye and go out into an unknown world anyway. They do it for the people, for this country.

That NFL quarterback wanted to get the conversation going. And he did. Unfortunately, the conversation drifted somewhat.

What we need is to come together. To try to understand the other side. Let's stop the political rhetoric. Let's put aside our differences. Let's actually listen and talk to each other, instead of yelling and arguing. Let's find a way to strip away the layers of bias and prejudice and unfounded fear and hate.

We have to. 

Lives depend on it.

CHARMIN AND CHARDONNAY

I read about a recent study that found couples who get drunk together, stay together. I also heard about another study that showed the happiest couples are those who feel comfortable enough to discuss poop.

Well, break out the Charmin and Chardonnay!

All kidding aside, I also read an article on the website iflscience.com that talked about the types of toxic relationships that can cause marriages to fail. One of these relationships is conflict-avoidant. In this type of relationship, people don't tell the truth about what they think or how they feel because they fear conflict or rejection. They bury things and essentially bury themselves, in order to please the other person. 

I realized I have a tendency to bury things. I don't like conflict. I don't want to hurt or upset anyone. Unfortunately, I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I think and feel way too much. And when I try to keep those feelings under wrap, it can hurt. It hurts me, and it hurts those I care about when those feelings suddenly erupt, which they often do. And when the eruptions come, it's almost always at the wrong time.

Fortunately, I have a very patient and understanding husband, and he encourages me to talk to him and work through  whatever I may be feeling.

I wonder why I do this when I know it's not healthy and I know it will cause problems. I wonder why it's so difficult for me to just admit what I'm thinking and feeling. I know one of the reasons is because I really don't like conflict. And though I hate to admit it, I'm something of a people-pleaser. The thought of hurting or upsetting anyone really bothers me. But I think maybe it goes beyond that, beyond my own specific circumstances.

I think as females, we are taught to avoid conflict. We are supposed to be kind and nurturing. We aren't supposed to show anger. We aren't supposed to argue or fight. We are supposed to be the ones that keep the peace. But we do get angry. We do want to speak up, be heard, and maybe even argue a little. We don't want to have to bow our heads and quietly walk away every time. But if we don't, then we're seen as bossy or aggressive or bitchy.

It's not just women either. Men are taught to be strong and stoic. They aren't supposed to talk about their feelings. They aren't supposed to cry. They aren't supposed to be sensitive.  And if they are, then they're seen as weak. But they need to be able to express themselves, too. They need to deal with and talk about what's going on in their minds and hearts.

Of course, it isn't just a gender specific thing. Male, female, we're all taught by society to behave in certain ways. And that includes not airing dirty laundry. We're all supposed to keep our thoughts and feelings mostly to ourselves. At least in public. Then, we can scream and cry into our pillows or punch and kick inanimate objects all we want when we're at home. But it's easy to become so conditioned not to express yourself, that you don't even want to let anything out when you're at home or with your loved ones for fear that you'll be looked down on, laughed at, or otherwise rejected.

So, for both sexes, there is this unspoken rule that you don't talk about certain things or act certain ways. There is this pressure to be the shining example of the perfect partner, one who doesn't cry or argue, one who doesn't take things personally, one who never gets jealous or insecure, one who won't nag. 

Now, you put two people together who don't express themselves because they don't want to disappoint or upset the other person, and you've got a ticking time bomb. Unspoken thoughts and buried emotions can lead to resentment. And like I said before, resentment is like cancer. It poisons you. And it can poison a relationship.

Of course, I'm speaking in generalities and hyperbole . It has become more common for women to vent their anger and frustration and for men to show their vulnerability. Women are boxing and men are taking classes on how to brush their daughter's hair. Yes, we have come a long way.

But I think those generational and cultural gender lessons are still being taught and learned. It may be subtle, it may be subconscious, but it's still there. Somehow, we have to learn to let them go and allow ourselves, and our significant others to open up. We have to learn to talk about whatever doubts, fears, anxieties, and questions are plaguing us. That might mean sometimes we let out the demons that lurk inside. We have to understand everyone has demons. That no one is perfect, and that everyone is vulnerable. Everyone has a heart and soul and mind. Everyone has the right to feel what they feel, whether anger or sadness or pain. And they shouldn't have to hide it, especially not from the one person who should love and accept them for all they are. Your husband or wife should be the one person you can be yourself with, the one person who listens, who understands, who comforts, and yes, who will sometimes argue with you. 

I'm sure that people find themselves in conflict-avoidant relationships for a myriad of reasons. I'm sure there are scientific psychological studies on the subject. I'm not trying to emulate Freud. All I want to say is that it might be more common than we think because it might be a natural state for a lot of us. But it shouldn't be.

So, maybe that is why couples who can drink and talk about poop together are happier. Because there is a certain level of comfort. Drinking probably helps break down those subconscious barriers we've built. And so does talking about bowel movements. I mean, you have to be really comfortable with your significant other to talk about that!

I'm not saying you have to open a bottle of wine and talk dirty, so to speak. In fact, if you're not careful, alcohol can turn the releasing of inner demons into a scene from the Exorcist. What I am saying is that we should all open up, be ourselves, and talk about what we're thinking and feeling without fear. And we should all encourage our significant others to do the same.

I LIVED

I recently lost a family member. She had been battling cancer for years. I visited her the day before she passed, and it was quite difficult. The thin, frail body in the bed did not look like the woman I knew. She was in a coma, so all I could do was hold her hand and stroke her hair. We all knew the day would come, but it didn't make it any easier. 

Because she knew that her life was not meant to be long, that cancer was slowly killing her, it was important to her to spend as much time with family as possible. We had just had our annual family trip shortly before her death. And although she couldn't go on hikes, and she was tired and cold and not feeling well a lot of the time, she put on a brave face. I knew it meant so much to her just to be surrounded by her children and grandchildren. 


I was reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho, and the protagonist asks a nurse if he ever thought of his own funeral. The nurse responded that he hadn't and didn't want to because it frightened him. And that is the answer most would give. 


     "But what if I could choose an epitaph? I would ask to have these words engraved: He died while he was still alive. That might sound like a contradiction in terms, but I knew many people who had ceased to live, even though they continued to work and eat and engage in their usual social activities. They did everything automatically, oblivious to the magic moment that each day brings with it, never stopping to think about the miracle of life, never understanding that the next minute could be their last on the face of this planet."


I thought about what Coelho was saying in this passage. I thought about how we are all so afraid of dying, that we forget to live. We get so caught up in doing what we think we're supposed to be doing according to the rules that society dictates, in making and spending money, in walking paths laid out by others instead of ones we created for ourselves. We become robots, doing whatever we have been programmed to do, day in and day out. Slowly, our curiosity wanes. We lose sight of our dreams. We quit believing that anything is possible. We stop watching the sunrise. We stop looking at the stars. We stop smiling at strangers and making funny faces at children. We stop taking a moment to look at the world around us. We stop being present. We stop truly living.

My family member had to face her own mortality. And it made her cherish every moment with her family. She understood that the time she had with them was precious.

Many people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who have had a near death experience, develop a new perspective on life. They understand that life is a miracle, and that miracle can be taken away at any moment without warning. They don't want to waste whatever time they have. They want to watch the sunrise. They want to count stars. They want to laugh and cry and dance and fall. They want to hold their loved ones close and tell them how they feel. They want to really live.

It sounds morbid to say, but I wish we could all have a near death experience. Or at the very least, I wish we could all think about our own funerals. Face your fears, right? If we could face that fear, then maybe we could let it go, conquer it, and be able to live as we were meant to. Not as automatons, but as living, breathing, laughing, dancing, loving, curious, rebellious humans.

I often think about my own mortality. I think about my own funeral. I wonder when Death will come for me. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be thirty or forty years from now. I don't know if he will knock softly or bang on my door. I don't know if I'll see him as he rounds the corner or if he'll sneak up on me when I least expect it. The only thing I do know is that he will come for me, as he comes for us all. And I want to be able to smile at him and say "I'm ready. I LIVED."

Seeing my family member dying reminded me that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And so, we must remain present. We must open our eyes and minds and hearts and see and experience the world around us. We must remember our dreams and forget our past. We must wake up from our autopilot stupor and see the beauty of this planet and all its splendid life forms. We must let go of our egos, our fears, our anger, our regret, our sorrows, and let love fill the empty spaces left behind. We must love ourselves and each other. 

Let us not continue to be oblivious to the magic.

Where is the love?

I went to work yesterday as I would on any other Monday. I don't like Mondays. I honestly get the blues on Sunday night. I know that Monday is coming and I know I have to go to work and I don't really want to. But every week, I wake up early on Monday morning and get ready and take my boy to school, then deal with traffic on my way to work. I do it because I have to.

But this Monday, I really, really, really didn't want to. Not for the normal reasons. Not because I didn't want to deal with traffic or go to work. No, I didn't want to go because I wanted to have time to mourn the lives lost in the horrific tragedy which took place in Orlando early Sunday morning. I wanted to have time to process it all. I didn't know any of the individuals who lost their lives. I don't live in Orlando. Nonetheless, the news broke my heart. I fought tears, and I fought anger. I may not have known those who were ruthlessly gunned down, but as a human being, I can't help but grieve for them. 

It felt strange for me to sit in traffic with countless others to go punch in some numbers and letters on a computer, to go talk and joke with co-workers, to go about business as usual, while families waited to hear whether or not their loved ones were lying in a hospital bed or in a heap of bodies on the floor of a nightclub. I felt depressed all day. All I wanted was to be with my husband and son, to hold them and kiss them, and thank God for another day with them. All I wanted was to shed tears for those who lost their lives. All I wanted was to focus on something more important than making a dollar.

Now, I know people say that in these situations, we must not let "them" win. We must continue to live our lives. We must continue to know love and happiness and joy. I don't disagree with that. I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to shrink away from life. I don't want to hole myself up in my house or lock myself and my family away from the world. We can never let fear win. That's part of what kills innocent people. Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the misunderstood, fear of that which is different. Fear that leads to paranoia and insanity. Fear that leads to hate. No I will never let fear take hold of my heart.

I will admit that I do worry in these times. I worry that my son is not safe at school, or at the park, or at a movie theater. I worry that my loved ones can be taken away from me in the blink of eye, without warning, for no good reason other than a psychopath with a gun or knife or bomb decides people should die because they don't think/pray/love/live a certain way. I worry. But I won't live in fear. And I won't return their hate with hate. It's a vicious cycle.

No, it wasn't fear that made me want to stay home. It was sadness and grief and anger and love. I wanted to stop and look and think and feel. I wanted to focus on what is most important in this world. What is most important to me. And it isn't making money. It's my family. It's life. It's love. It's this amazing world around me. It's the beautiful people that surround me. It's humanity in all its complicated splendor. 

I also didn't want to go out into public and hear all the political arguments and individual ideologies and personal prejudices. To me, in that moment, none of that mattered. All that mattered is too many people lost their lives. And all I wanted was to honor and respect them. All I wanted was to grieve for them and their loved ones.

I wish there were an easy answer to this problem. But there isn't. To take guns away or not take guns away. To close the borders and refuse entrance to specific groups of people or not. To go to war or not.

Honestly, I don't know that there is any answer besides eradicating hate and fear. And that's essentially impossible. Or is it? Can we ever learn to love and accept each other despite our differences? I hope we can. Because we can deny and take away and refuse and war all we want, but that will never solve the root problem. We can continue to fear and hate and kill and fear and hate and kill in return, but we'll only escalate the issue until we wipe each other out. 

I always hope for the best for humankind. But I struggle to be optimistic these days. I struggle to answer the question, "Where is the love?"

Unsteady

As most of you know, music often moves me to write. In this case, it's the song "Unsteady" by X-Ambassadors. When I first heard the song, I immediately liked it. The song is stripped down so the singer's voice takes center stage. And his voice has a sensual quality to it. It's a little gravely and full of passion, sometimes reaching higher notes. In fact, one of the local disc jockeys called it "baby making music."
But it's not baby making music. The singer's voice is actually full of anguish. And the lyrics tell you this song isn't about making love. It's about heartbreak.

"Hold, hold on, hold on to me cause I'm a little unsteady......Mama, come here/approach, appear/Daddy, I'm alone/cause this house don't feel like home/If you love me, don't let go..."

My own parents divorced when I was young. The mind can play tricks with your memories, so I can't tell you exactly how old I was. Sometimes I think I was 7, sometimes 8 or 9. I don't know. But I was young enough that it hurt and confused me. 

"Mother I know/that you're tired of being alone/Dad I know you're trying/to fight when you feel like flying/But if you love me don't let go..."

I don't want to go into detail about my parent's divorce. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty. I often wished they would have made it work or gotten back together. But as I got older, I realized what a lot of people realize. That sometimes things fall apart. That sometimes love ain't enough. That sometimes people fall out of love. And while I was sad and angry as a child, I don't know that them staying together simply for us kids would have been beneficial to anyone. An unhappy home isn't any better than a broken one.

Now maybe a psychologist would take a long hard look at me and my life and say that my parent's divorce affected me negatively. Well, of course it did. I have some painful memories of that time. And maybe I was a little confused about love and relationships for a long time. But I won't blame my parents or their actions. Ultimately, I'm responsible for who I am and what I do. And we can all heal.

In the past two years, I have had numerous friends and acquaintances go through divorces of their own. The reasons varied as relationships do. There were children involved in some. I know the experience was difficult for everyone involved. When you get married, you think you have found your soul mate, the "one," and you make a promise to love each other no matter what. And when you have children, it's like making another promise. So when a marriage fails, everyone is left feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed. 

But divorce happens. It doesn't help to blame. Anger and resentment doesn't aid in healing. The reality is that sometimes love really isn't enough. Marriage isn't always easy. I don't like to say that it's work, because work has such a negative connotation. What I mean is that both people have to try, to compromise, to listen and understand, to give. And that's not always easy. As I've told you before, we humans are extremely selfish creatures. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves and our own feelings and internal and external battles, that we forget about those around us. We don't see that they are reaching out to us, for us. Or we push them away, leaving them feeling helpless and alone. Sometimes we neglect to see that our loved ones need us, that they are fighting their own battles. We are so blinded by our selfish desires, that we can't see the other person suffering. Sometimes people just take each other for granted. They just stop trying. All this leads to resentment. And resentment is like cancer. It slowly kills you inside.

Other times people just change or grow apart. Some people don't believe that, I know. They say people don't really change. While I agree that most people will stay the same at the core of their being, I do think they go through many changes throughout life. How can they not? Experience shapes who you are. Many couples are together for years, some having gotten married young. And I think sometimes people get married before really knowing who they are  and what they truly want. They think they have found it, they think they are in love, they think they are on the path they are meant to be on, but if they looked deep within, maybe they would find they aren't really sure. And even if they are in love, that doesn't guarantee marital bliss.  

And yes, unfortunately, people fall out of love. Love can be fleeting. Love can be illusory. Maybe they never truly loved the other person to begin with. It's easy to get caught up in romance and idealistic notions of being in love. Maybe they loved certain things about the other person, but when you're married, you see all sides, even the not so pretty ones. Sometimes people ignore the questions in their hearts, or convince themselves they can learn to live with those questions. Maybe the other person changed in ways they couldn't accept. Maybe they realized they  lost themselves somewhere along the way, that the other person didn't allow them to be who they truly are, much less love them for who they truly are. 

There are so many reasons why people divorce. Whatever the reason, it's heartbreaking for everyone involved, including children. But as I said, we can all heal. And divorce doesn't have to be messy.


Unfortunately, the heart doesn't follow any rules. And love can't be bridled. This is its blessing and its curse. That it can be amazing and exhilarating but also painful. It can leave scars. And it can leave you a little unsteady.

Sportsmanship?

It's Super Bowl Sunday! Yes, I love watching football. I pretty much love watching sports. But while I'm preparing to eat chicken wings and drink beer and cheer on the team I'm rooting for (Carolina because I'm a Charger fan and I will not, repeat, will not root for the Broncos), I'm also thinking beyond touchdowns. 

I sometimes feel conflicted about watching football. It's fun to watch for sure. But I can't help but think football players are modern day gladiators. And now, with all the talk of CTE and the mental and emotional problems some of these players deal with later in life, I can't help but feel guilty. And I think about how some football fans behave. About the insults and smack talking. About the fights in the parking lots and bleachers. It gets really bad sometimes. People have even been stabbed and shot. 

Taking a side road here, stay with me.

My son plays basketball on a competitive team. I love watching him play. But I am surprised by what I see and hear on the court and in the stands.  A couple games back, we were sitting near a man whose son played for the other team. At one point, he shouted "Next time, put a shoulder into his ass!" 

Now, I know everyone swears. I swear. But it bothers me when people yell and swear around young children. So, I turned around and told him there really was no need for that. He went on to tell me he didn't say anything and that I should clean my ears. I apologized, said I misheard him, and left it at that. I did hear from other parents who were nearby that confirmed what he said. He also criticized our players for their aggressive play. Now, this man's son was a bully on the court. He elbowed one of our players, a girl in fact, in the face. And he said and did some things to my son. So, I guess it was no surprise the father spoke the way he did. Children emulate their parents. The sad thing was that when the other team lost, this kid was in tears. And I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Maybe he was a bully because he was under too much pressure to perform.

My husband told me it really wasn't a big deal about the guy cussing, and that I should just get used to it, because it's only going to get worse as our son gets older. I guess he was right. Cuss words are just that, words. And it isn't that I'm being snobby about it. I just want children to maintain their innocence for as long as possible, something that seems to be getting more and more difficult.

At another game, a couple for the other team were very unhappy about the calls being made and they made it known. They berated the referees the entire game. THE ENTIRE GAME! It got to the point where I just wanted to turn to them and say "Hey, these are kids, this isn't the NBA Championship, can you just let them play and let the rest of us enjoy the  game instead of listening to you yell the whole time?!!?" But of course, I didn't. My husband said I shouldn't let people get to me. And I shouldn't. I know. I should have just ignored them. But I couldn't. 

I will admit that I get a little excited at my son's games sometimes. I have voiced some displeasure at a call or two. But I have never yelled at the refs. I know they have a tough gig. They have to watch a lot of different people at the same time. And the game moves fast and they don't catch everything. No one is perfect. They are only human, and they are volunteers. 

I do cheer for my son's team. But I try not to cheer if they are up by a lot or if a player for the other team misses a free throw. These are kids after all. They should just be having fun and we should just be watching and supporting. That is why I'm taken aback by the some of the bad displays of behavior, from the kids and parents. 

So, I wonder why it is that sports can turn us into monsters. Why do we push our kids that hard? Why do we insult the opposite team and their fans? Why do we act as though every game is life or death? Because, really, it isn't. It's just entertainment. It's just fun. Or at least it's supposed to be.

Sports are very much tribal. And that brings out the primal in us. We are animals after all. And animals want to propagate their own species. They want to  create the best offspring. They want to take the best territory and resources. Basically, they want to win. It seems watching and playing sports bring out the inner animals in us that have lain dormant because we don't have to fight for a mate or food or a home. 

It makes sense. But I wish that kids could just play and parents could just watch. I wish people could attend a game without worrying about their children being subjected to profanity-laced tirades. I wish people could support a team without being insulted or targeted by knife-wielding or gun-toting sociopaths. 

I don't want to be too negative. Sports can also bring out good things in us. It can bring people together, create a sense of camaraderie. It teaches kids leadership and cooperation. It instills a sense of pride and ownership. I just would like to see more of that, and less of the hating and berating. Is that too much to ask?

WAKE UP, YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY!

In case you were wondering why it's been a while since I've written, it's not because I won the lottery and went on a lavish vacation in the Bahamas. Well, in my dreams maybe. I was definitely dreaming when I bought tickets. Yes, I said tickets, as in not just one, but multiple. I hate to admit it, but I caught Lotto fever.

Now, I've never purchased a ticket until recently. I'm not much of a gambler, never have been. When I travel to Vegas, it's to sit by the pool with a cold drink or hit the clubs, never to spend countless hours and dollars at gambling tables. I always thought gambling was a waste of money. Your chances of winning are often slim and in the case of the lottery, you're more likely to be struck by lightening. And I never considered myself lucky. 

But the jackpot was so big this time. And I thought, "why not me?" 

As I've told you numerous times before, I am not where I want to be professionally. I'm not doing something that makes me happy or fulfills me. I'm doing something for a paycheck. And it's not a great paycheck. But it's steady income and that is what my family needs. I keep dreaming and hoping and planning and trying to somehow break into the Interior Design industry. And I'm writing and submitting my work to literary magazines. But it's not happening for me right now, so I have no choice but to stay where I am, doing data entry in accounting. DATA ENTRY IN ACCOUNTING!ME!

So, when the lottery jackpot kept climbing and climbing, I became excited at the thought of winning. Like most people, I thought about how that much money could change my life. I wasn't thinking about yachts and mansions and private islands. Well, OK, maybe a little. But that wasn't why I played. I played because I want financial security. Don't we all? That's why we keep jobs we don't necessarily enjoy. Because we're all trying to pay the bills and put food on the table and provide for our children. And with the economy not exactly booming and the cost of living rising, we all struggle sometimes.

But more than financial security, I want financial freedom. The freedom to quit my job and put more time into writing or design. The freedom to maybe return to school. The freedom to not have to count every nickel and dime. The freedom from a Monday through Friday, 9 to 5 life of drudgery. The freedom to enjoy some of the finer things in life. The freedom to travel and see the world. The freedom from stress and worry. The freedom to dream.

I think that is what most people want. The freedom to enjoy life. Because we weren't meant to just work and work and pay and pay until the day we die. We were meant to live for so much more. To know and experience the world in all it's varied, amazing glory. To live and love and laugh. To discover and learn and rise above.To dream and imagine and hope. The way we did as children, before we were saddled with the responsibility of adulthood. Before we found out the depressing truth that not all of us can be astronauts or movie stars or professional athletes or princesses. Before we realized the economic inequality that exists in this world and the growing gap between rich and poor. Before we became rats in a cubicle maze.

I know, I'm being pessimistic and maybe a tad whiny and self-absorbed. I should just be happy I have a job and a roof over my head, etc, etc. I promise you I'm working on it. 

I also promise you I will keep dreaming and I will find my way out of that cubicle maze, without the lottery.