A House Divided

I last wrote about not taking things personal. Today, I write about not making things personal.

Election day is just around the corner. And I am glad of it, because I can't take much more of this contentious presidential race. I am completely irritated with all the mud-slinging, name calling, and finger pointing. And the bad behavior isn't confined to the candidates alone.

This has to be one of the most divisive elections in history. It has torn this nation apart. Many protests have been staged. But people aren't just protesting. Instead of being satisfied with hurling insults at each other, supporters of both candidates have taken to hurling rocks and throwing punches. A GOP office in North Carolina was firebombed. Then a letter with a suspicious white substance was sent to the Democratic campaign headquarters. It's ugly out there.

Unfortunately, this election is not only dividing the nation, it is dividing couples, and families, and friends. 

Cosmopolitan.com conducted a survey in which 42% of respondents said the campaign "has negatively affected their relationships with someone close to them." In a poll by Monmouth University, 7% of participants said they had lost friends because of the election. I read articles in varying publications with anecdotes of people fighting with friends and loved ones because of their decision to support one candidate or another. In extreme cases, even family members have stopped talking to each other.

And in this age of social media, people are debating their beliefs in very public forums. I've seen countless examples on Facebook of people exclaiming their support or hate, and threatening to unfriend anyone who disagrees with their choice. I've seen the arguments which have ensued. And they aren't always polite.

It doesn't seem to be enough to argue about the candidate's platform. No, people are attacking and insulting the candidates, and then attacking and insulting each other. In short, people have made this election very, very personal. Instead of accepting our differences and agreeing to disagree, we are waging war against the opposition.

Now, I admit I have questioned why people support a certain candidate. I see him as a bully, a racist, a misogynist, and fear monger. But my main complaint is that he has yet to provide real, honest solutions to the problems we all face. I will not vote for him. Yet, I am still undecided, because I am not sure if the other candidates can provide real solutions either. But people make the assumption that if you don't support one candidate, then you support the other which makes you an enemy (technically, there are more than two candidates, but then people get into that whole "a vote for so-and-so is a vote for the opposition," and that's another story in itself).

While I may not agree with some of you, I would never call you stupid. Nor would I refer to you in derogatory terms or attack who you are as a person. I would hope that you could return that favor.

See, this isn't personal.

Well, it is personal in that each one of us has a say in who takes office. And we all want to select the person who is best suited for the job. The person who will make a positive difference. The person who will help us all live better lives. The person who will make sweeping changes. The people of this country have been dealing with a lot of adversity. And they are tired and angry. This vote will make a difference in so many individual lives. So, yes, it is personal in that way.

But we shouldn't make it a personal battle with everyone who we disagree with.

This country has been a bastion of political freedom and civil liberty. We have also been called "the melting pot of the world." People of all walks of life, of all different races and cultures and religions, call America home. We are different. This is a beautiful thing. A thing to be celebrated.

So yes, we will have different beliefs and ideas. We will have different political leanings. We will have different opinions of who should take office and what that person should do once they take office. And debate is healthy. Debate forces everyone to think, and consider, and evaluate. Debate forces us to see all sides of an issue in order to come to a logical solution to real problems.

But we have to actually behave like reasonable adults. We have to cast aside our pigheaded pettiness and stop the name calling and violence. Because all this ugliness is not what America is about.

We should learn to have honest, straightforward conversations about the issues. We should also realize that we can't always change people's minds, even with logical arguments. We should accept that we won't agree with everyone, including our friends and family. And we should love them all nonetheless. We should always keep an open mind and an open heart.

Don't hate someone just because you disagree. Don't make it personal.

Be Happy

I recently celebrated my birthday, and I decided to have a party. See, I'm a Libra. And if you believe in that stuff, you know us Libras are social creatures. We enjoy parties. And if you don't believe in that stuff, well, I'll just tell you, I am a very social creature. And I enjoy parties. I like to have fun, and dance, and laugh. The eat, drink, and be merry type. So, that's what I wanted to do.

I invited a lot of people. Of course, I've come to understand that half the people you invite to a party won't make it. That's just life. So, yes, a lot of people had to turn down my invitation. Some people just didn't respond at all. Now, that selfish, little-girl part of me was somewhat bothered by that. I did have to take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. At my age, people are busy. They have family obligations. They have children with busy schedules. They have jobs.  And partying is at the bottom of the priority list. I've had to miss other people's parties for a variety of reasons, and maybe my absence disappointed them.

Some people showed up and only stayed for a short time. Again, I understand that as you get older, you just can't rock all night like you did when you were young. I'm often in bed by 9:00 myself. Plus, you have to get home to relieve the babysitter. Maybe you just want to get home to kiss your children goodnight. Maybe you're tired after a long work week. Maybe you don't feel well. Maybe you're dealing with a lot of stuff and you're not in the mood to party all night. I understand that. I've left parties early myself.

It ended up being an intimate party. But I completely appreciated everyone who showed up, even if it was just for a little while. They might not even know how much it meant to me just to have them there, but it was the best gift they could have given me. And, I had a blast! I smiled and laughed all night. If I had been sad or upset about the people who didn't show up, then I wouldn't have had all that fun with the people who did!

What I'm getting to, is that in life, you have to learn not to take things personally. So some people didn't make it to my party. It wasn't personal. Because the world doesn't revolve around me. The world doesn't revolve around any of us. We are actually very small in the grand scheme of things. The universe is this vast place, and we are just specks of dust.

Today, another one of my writing submissions was rejected. And it just reminded me how far I am from where I want to be. It reminded me how I've been unable to find success in writing or interior design. It reminded me how I'm stuck doing accounting and data entry. Now, while a part of me wanted to get into the fetal position and cry, I had to remind myself that rejection and failure are a part of the process, a part of life. We all have moments of rejection. Moments where we feel like failures. Moments we feel slighted, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. Moments where people hurt or anger us. Whether it's a friend or family member who said or did something or it's someone who cut us off in traffic or someone saying, "thanks, but no thanks." We take it as a personal affront, when really, it's not. We can't see everything as a personal attack.

My son had a basketball game and the parents and coach of the other team were constantly complaining about the calls the referees made. They accused the refs of calling everything for my son's team, when in reality, there were good and bad calls both ways. But they took it personally and yelled and complained. It's something you see a lot in sports. People blaming the refs when a game isn't going their way. But I saw how hard the kids on the other team were working and their team hadn't won a game, and I'm sure the parents felt bad for them. They didn't want to see their children lose again. The refs weren't very happy about all that yelling and complaining, but it's something they have to deal with all the time. They have to learn not to take it personally. And in situations such as that, it helps to try to understand where the other person is coming from. What is going on in their hearts or minds or lives that is driving their behavior? What are they going through? What are they dealing with? And does it really have anything to do with me?

When it seems like the world is against you and nothing is going your way, it's easy to just cry and ask "why is this happening to me?"

But that doesn't make things better. 

It only makes you unhappy.

I know. Whether it was my writing being rejected, or not being able to get a career going in interior design, or my house and vehicles needing repairs when money was tight, or my favorite football team losing, I have pouted and complained and asked "why?!?" But what did that do? It didn't make me feel better or solve any problems. No, I felt worse. I drowned myself in negativity. I got caught up in that vicious cycle, falling fast in that downward spiral.

So, getting back to happiness...

If we stay rooted in our own egocentric ways of looking at things, then we will continually be disappointed and unhappy. The world isn't out to get us. Things happen. Stuff breaks. People are rude, and selfish, and unkind. We have to take a deep breath, take a step back, and take a different perspective on things. We have to try to understand other people and their reasons for doing things.

We must understand that neither our happiness nor unhappiness are dependent on the people or things that surround us. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, how we allow people and events to make us feel. 

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect. Things won't always be as we want them to be, as we hoped or expected them to be. We can't and we don't control everything in our lives. But we can control how we react, how we feel, how we deal with whatever happens. We can choose to be negative, to cry and complain, to ask "why me?"

Or we can stop taking everything so personal, be happy, and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in.

PATRIOTISM AND PROTEST

It's that time of year again. No, not pumpkin spice everything season.  It's football season!

Alas, while I would love to talk about football, my team keeps blowing leads and losing in the fourth quarter, so I'm just a little bitter right now. Also, I don't think most of you read my blogs for sports updates anyway.

What I really want to talk about is the controversial conversation sparked by the actions of an NFL quarterback.

It is a tradition to have someone sing the national anthem before every game. Most people will stand during this time. I even stand and put my hand over my heart when I'm watching the game on television. This is a sign of respect for our great nation.

But this quarterback did not stand. He sat. And of course, with the game being televised, millions of people saw this and wanted to know why he sat.

His answer:

                "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color...There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."

He sat in protest. He sat down to stand up for the rights of those who have been shot down.

Now, most people would agree there is a problem. With the rash of fatal police shootings of minorities, some unarmed, people want answers. People want change. Including this quarterback who sat down.

However, not everyone agrees with his method. Many people were angered by what they call "blatant disrespect of America, of the military, and law enforcement." In fact, he said he has received death threats.

Now, I may not necessarily agree with his methods. I take great pride in knowing that I live in a country where someone can protest and create change. Even though this country has serious problems, it is a free country. And that is why I respect this man's right to protest, whether or not I agree with his methods. I can't understand people who threaten another person's life for protesting in a country that was founded by protesters.

But that seems to be who we are as humans. If someone does something we don't like or agree with, our hackles immediately go up. We pass judgment. We hate. We spew out anger and vitriol. We criticize and condemn. We threaten. And sometimes we act on those threats.

Imagine how much more peaceful it would be if we all just stepped back, took a deep breath, and tried to understand the other side. Because the thing is, we all act based upon our own feelings, our own thoughts, our own experiences and biases. We all see things from our own perspective. But everyone's perspective is different.  Everyone's life experience is different. And we all have biases. We may not realize it, but we do. We judge people based on what we think and believe. We judge based on what we've gone through in our own lives. We judge based only on what we see and hear and understand. We don't know what that other person has been through. We don't know their pain, their anger, their struggles. We don't know what they think or how they feel or how they see the world. And we don't always have the facts of a situation.

I honestly don't know exactly what happened in each fatal confrontation. All I know is there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The violence needs to end, on both sides. Because cops are dying, too. And they are humans as well. Every day they put on that uniform, they know there is a chance they will face danger. But they kiss their loved ones goodbye and go out into an unknown world anyway. They do it for the people, for this country.

That NFL quarterback wanted to get the conversation going. And he did. Unfortunately, the conversation drifted somewhat.

What we need is to come together. To try to understand the other side. Let's stop the political rhetoric. Let's put aside our differences. Let's actually listen and talk to each other, instead of yelling and arguing. Let's find a way to strip away the layers of bias and prejudice and unfounded fear and hate.

We have to. 

Lives depend on it.