TALKING WITHOUT LISTENING

"When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

                                -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

If you've been following me, you know that I have a degree in Interior Design, but have not been able to establish a career in the field. You also know that I love to write. For a while now, I've been thinking that writing is the path I should have taken all along. And since they say it's never too late, I decided to return to school to study writing. Yay me!

I started with a class in journalism. One of the assignments for this class was to interview a person about his or her profession.

Stay with me, because I'm not here to tell you about journalism or someone's profession.

What I actually wanted to write about, was what I learned from the interviewing experience.

Most of the time, when we talk to people, the discussion is a little about them, a little about ourselves. When you interview someone, the focus is entirely on them. You want to know who they are, what they think, or what they feel. You want to know about their life or experiences. Sure, there is still some give and take. Even though it's mainly questions and answers, there is still discussion. But for the most part, you're really trying to get that person to open up.

The person I chose to interview for my assignment is a friend. I chose her because I thought she had an interesting profession and was curious about her thoughts and feelings on the subject.  I know some of you might assume that because she is my friend, I wouldn't really learn anything new. But I did. That's the thing about interviewing someone versus talking to them. You shut up and listen.

You don't interrupt to say what you want to say on the subject. You don't eagerly await for your turn to start talking. You don't think about what you want to say as they're talking. You don't relate their story or feelings to your own and say "well, when that happened to me, I..." or  "this is what I think," or this is what I feel." For a short period of time, you focus on someone  other than yourself.

We're all guilty of interrupting, interjecting, or redirecting the conversation back to ourselves. We can't help it. We're selfish creatures, and we want to talk about ourselves. But it's amazing what you learn when you close your mouth and open your ears.

I did learn a lot from my friend that day. Not just about her profession, but about her, too. And I've been friends with her for some years now. The other cool thing about it, is she said she learned some things about herself, too.

I'm not saying you should interview all the people in your life. What I'm saying is you should listen to them, get to know them. Ask them what they're thinking, how they're feeling, how their day went. And then really listen to their answers. If it seems like there is more to the story, ask them more questions. I don't mean pester them if they don't want to talk. Just be open. Be present. You'll really get to know people that way.

You might think you know all there is to know about your family or partner or spouse. But you might be surprised at what you don't know. And if all you do when you spend time with them is talk about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings , or your experiences, then you may never solve some of the wonderful mysteries of their souls. Don't wait until they're old or dying. Don't wait until you're old or dying. Don't regret not asking those questions. Don't regret not taking the time to listen. Once they've gone silent, that's it. And the silence can be deafening.