My Reasons

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I know, a little late to the game, right? Unfortunately, my son, who I love with all my heart, gave me his cold as a Valentine gift. Bless his little heart, he felt so bad when he came home to find me in bed, sneezing and sniffling. He even apologized. Talk about love.

Yes, let’s talk about love. You know I believe that love is our reason for living. And though my heart has been open all my life, I never truly understood what pure, unconditional love was. I didn't know how much and how deeply I could love. Not until I got married and had a child.

In my younger years, I was desperate for love and affection. We could go into the psychology of it all, but we all understand the reasons we have for searching for acceptance, validation, understanding. And I don't want to play that "poor me, my childhood wasn't perfect" card. Basically, I felt alone and very much misunderstood.

I dated a lot. But I didn't always choose wisely. In fact, for the most part, I chose poorly. I guess like a lot of women, I liked the bad boys. In my mind, it wasn't so much bad as it was “different.” Because I felt different. And admittedly, I was kind of bad. I always felt there were too many rules and limitations. I didn't want to conform. I wanted to be a free bird. Unfortunately, I only caused myself to be alienated and hurt. Girls thought I was a boyfriend stealer and boys thought I was just a girl to have fun with.

As I got older, my decision making didn't improve much. I still chose the guys who liked to play, who strung me along, who acted as though they might want something serious but would never say the words. There were nice guys. But of course, they weren't for me. It would be unfair of me to say that I never hurt anyone. Because I did. And I regret it.

Yes, I had my heart broken many times. And each time I swore I would never let it happen again. I would play the game and I would keep my heart under lock and key. But I am too sensitive, too emotional, and too much the hopeless romantic.

And then one day, he came into my life. The first time I saw him, I knew. I just knew. He was the one. It was as though time stood still, as though the world melted away, and all I could see was him. His beautiful blue eyes, his playful smile.

It was a while before he asked me out. Circumstances were not perfect. I had a broken heart, he had a heart on the mend. Life was life, never calm or easy. I think we both thought we should take it slow, I think we tried to be careful. But love doesn't play by any rules. He quickly welcomed me into his life and into his heart. He accepted me for all that I was and all that I wasn't  For so long, I had been convinced that somehow I didn't deserve to be loved. He showed me I was wrong, and helped me to learn to love myself.

It was easy for us to be together. There were no walls between us. We could share ourselves completely with each other.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me crazy. We have fun together, no matter what we do or where we go. We finish each other’s thoughts, ask each other questions, teach each other. And we can’t get enough of each other. 

When I gave birth to our son, the bond that united us became stronger. And I fell in love again-with him, and our boy. I see so much beauty and hope in my son’s eyes. His laugh is like music for my soul. His empathy and sensitivity touch my heart. And he loves me, completely and unconditionally. I am his mommy, and always will be.

Life has its ups and downs. We have had our share of hard times and struggles. But our love not only keeps us going strong, it keeps the smiles on our faces. It doesn't matter what we don’t have, as long as we have each other. Though none of us are perfect, we love each other just the same, and we try to be better for each other.

Sometimes, I feel so full of love for them, I want to cry. No matter what I write or say, no words ever seem to be enough. It’s powerful, overwhelming, amazing, exhilarating, frightening.

They are my loves. They are my Valentines. They are my reasons for living.

I hope that you all have found yours. If not, don't ever give up hope. You all deserved to be loved-truly and unconditionally loved.

Letter from God

I recently read The Shack by WM Paul Young . It was quite moving and it stirred up so many emotions in me, I felt I had to share with you. If you are not familiar with the novel, it centers on a man whose daughter has disappeared. Though she is never found, evidence points to something terrible happening to her in a dilapidated shack in the wilds of Oregon. A long time later, the man receives a letter from God (?) requesting a meeting at that very shack.

I am always deeply saddened by any tragedy, but especially so when children are involved. And I struggle with the everyday evidence of man’s inhumanity to man. So, that part certainly struck me, made me cry. But it’s what occurs when the man returns to the shack that reached somewhere deeper inside me.

Now, I am not what you would call a religious person. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an atheist. I believe there is a God. But I don’t pretend to know what God is, male or female or something different altogether. I don’t attend church because I believe that God is everywhere, in everything and everyone and that we should celebrate and honor all every day, not just for an hour on Sunday.

Although I attended church almost every Sunday as a young girl, I eventually found myself at odds with religion. I couldn't understand the history of murder and corruption and hypocrisy. But I've also come to understand that, unfortunately, that’s just human nature at its worst, and all societies have been guilty of such. And the truth is that some of the most wonderful parts of humans can be seen in churches, in religious gatherings and ceremonies, and in acts done in the name of God.

My disillusionment with religion stems from certain questions I have in regards to religious contradictions. Everyone says God is love. If that is true, then why have people been outcast, shamed, tortured, and killed all in the name of God? That doesn't sound like love to me. And if the bible tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, why do people hate those who are not of their race, culture, or religion? What about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone?” From what I can see, everyone is throwing stones, regardless of the wrong they themselves are guilty of. People won't forgive others but expect complete forgiveness from God. People spend so much time and energy passing their judgments on others, condemning whoever they think is not worthy of love and acceptance, I wonder how anyone has any time or heart left to love.

And as I have said before, I think our whole purpose on this planet is to love and be loved. And if God is love, then to love is to serve God, right?

I don’t want to offend or argue. I really just want to share my thoughts, because this book touched me. It caused me ponder on my own ideas of faith, and it awakened my desire to connect with the Divine.

It made me look into my own soul.

I don’t want to tell you what you should believe, but I will share with you my own feelings. I believe it’s in our relationships with each other that we find God. It’s in being kind and forgiving and accepting others. It’s in releasing our anger and hatred, in dismissing our prejudices and resentments. It’s in being the best human we can possibly be.

It’s also in appreciating the awesome beauty that surrounds us. It’s in respecting all living creatures. It’s in admiring the forests, the mountains, the desert, the ocean. If we truly wanted to honor God, we wouldn't treat his/her/it’s creations the way we do.

I also don't believe that we should blame God for all our troubles. We shouldn't look up when screaming "why?!" We should look in the mirror, not only as individuals, but as a society. Nor should we turn to God only in times of need, begging for everything from here to the moon. And yes, sometimes things are out of our individual control, but that doesn't mean God is purposely causing us pain. Life is not perfect. There will be pain. But we have the power to move on, to become stronger, to do better. We are ultimately responsible for ourselves. 

I know, you don’t read my blog looking for a sermon. And I certainly am not qualified to give one. I am only human, imperfect and dripping with sin. I don’t expect you to agree with me. In fact, I want you to do your own asking, searching, and looking within. I didn't necessarily agree with all the author’s ideas myself.

But perhaps, if we all take a moment to reflect on what it means to be human, to have a heart and soul, and to be children of God, we will find a way to live better lives, and to create a better world.

Hosting Violence

Here I am, there you are. The world didn’t get hit by a giant asteroid or break apart in a thousand earthquakes or get bombed out of existence by aliens. No, December 2012 came and went without so much as a hint of Armageddon. The end didn't happen.

But, something did happen in December 2012. And it was awful. Death and pain and sadness, and the end of the world for some. 20 children, innocent children were killed. I can’t understand it, what that young man did, why he would take the lives of some of our most vulnerable.

I wasn't working that day because I had a bad back, and all I could really do was sit on the couch and watch television. Once I started watching the news, I couldn't turn away. Every part of me wanted to, because it was so sad and heartbreaking. But I couldn't  and by the end of the day, I felt so low. And I cried. I cried for those children. I cried for the six adults who also died. I cried for the families, the friends, the town, this country, the human race. My heart felt as though it had been shattered into a million pieces.

I also cried for the young man who committed the murders. I cried because something inside him was so wrong. I am not God and I don’t sit in judgment of anyone. And I know that mental illness is an overwhelming problem, one that doesn't receive the attention it needs. I know many people suffer with psychological disturbances or tremendous emotional pain and they don’t receive the help they need.

I also know that there are people who are simply evil, who hurt others for their own sick and twisted pleasure.

It pains me to read the paper or watch the news, knowing that all too often, it's full of evidence of man's inhumanity to man.

This wasn't the only shooting. There was the movie theater in Colorado, the Oregon mall shooting, and too many others. Each time, I feel as though a dark shadow hovers over my soul. And I question why these things happen.

I don’t think the Mayans saw December 2012 as the end of the world, but rather as the end of a cycle. Perhaps it was not to be one cataclysmic event, but a series of events that lead to great change. Could there be change around the corner for this violent world?

I just finished reading, listening to the book, The Host by Stephanie Meyer, of Twilight fame. In the story, human beings have their bodies taken by aliens. There is no knock-down, drag-out war, no bombings of major cities, no giant machines snapping up humans . No, the aliens quietly take over the world, neatly slipping into the bodies of their hosts. I don’t want to give away the book. No, what I wanted to tell you was how the main character, an alien in a human body, wonders about the violent, aggressive nature of humans. And because I was already contemplating that myself, this kind of spoke to me. (I often find that reading books opens my eyes and mind to the interconnectedness of things)

Why is the human race so violent? Why do we hurt each other, hurt other beings? Perhaps we are not as evolved as we like to think. Perhaps we are mostly animal. And as I said before, I am not one to judge. I myself enjoy watching football. I have taken martial arts classes. I like to punch and kick. So, as a human, I’m not above violence myself. Is it the release of that aggressive, animal energy we have inside? Is it that biologically we were not meant to be passive creatures? Is it that we were made to hunt, to run and climb and swim, to do the things mammals of this planet do and now that we don’t need to do those things, that unused energy gets stored up inside us and needs to be let out? That would explain the human love affair with violent sports, movies, and video games.

In the book, the alien race is non-violent, very passive, and guided by love and kindness. Some believed the humans did not deserve their lives or their planet because of their ugly, violent, selfish ways. If I were an alien watching the news that day those children were killed, I might think the same thing.

But I am human. And I know that we are all imperfect. Perhaps all of us are capable of violence. But while I understand there are bad souls out there, I also believe that most of us are capable of great things. We have the ability to love deeply, to feel compassion, to help others. I will not accept that this beautiful world full of so many beautiful people, is one deserving of a takeover by some far away alien race. I know that we each have the power to chase away the darkness that threatens our innocent blue skies.

I believe that we can create change, good change, great change.  I believe in the power of love, understanding, empathy, and compassion. 

I also believe the Mayans were right about the end of the cycle. Will it be the start of a better one? Or will we continue down our dark path until we lose everything, whether to our own violent ways, or to aliens?

Death.

Does that make you want to quit reading now? The word is so heavy, I can almost feel the weight upon my back. Perhaps that is why my back aches so much right now. In fact, I’m hunched over as I am typing this.

Death is always there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to catch us unawares. Well, sometimes death calls to say it will be arriving in few months or days. Either way, we don’t usually put out the welcome mat and bake some cookies.

I will turn to my current lyrical favorites, Mumford and Sons:

“Death is at your doorstep and it will steal your innocence,

but it will not steal your substance…”


 
We try to avoid it at all costs. We don’t even like to discuss it. So, I understand if you decide to skip this blog. But my purpose is not to cloud your sunny skies. I’m not trying to depress you. No, I’ve just been thinking about death because it seems to surround me. In the last ten years or so, I have lost family, friends, acquaintances, a neighbor, even a dog. Each death saddened me, hurt me, and took a little bit of my innocence. With each funeral, I felt I aged.

But some of those who passed knew death was coming for them, and they accepted it with grace and understanding. And they did not allow death or the fear of death to steal their substance, to cast a shadow upon their hearts.

“Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won’t rot, I won’t rot

Not his mind and not this heart…”

 

Life does not exist without death. Light without dark. Joy without sorrow. And without the knowledge that death can come at any moment, we would not appreciate each day that we are given. We would take everything, everyone for granted if we thought tomorrow was guaranteed. But I, we, cannot allow the knowledge that death is unavoidable to darken our lives. We cannot allow it to eat away at us, to cause our mind, our hearts, and souls to rot.


“Death is just so full, and man so small

I’m scared of what’s behind, and what’s before…”
 

Yes, death is full. It is full and final and it fills us with fear. We don’t know what waits for us upon death, if anything at all. We worry that our lives, what we leave behind is all that we will ever have. Will we die with regret? Will we look back and wish we had done it differently? Wish we had done more.Wish we had done better.

“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.”

Perhaps I am naive to think it, but I believe that our purpose in life is to love and be loved. I know,  I told you all that before. But think about those who have faced death. Think about people who have been to the edge and back. Think about people who have been given months to live. What do many of them do? They live each day as though it were their last. And they love, completely, with abandon. Not just love their partners, but their children, their friends, themselves. They love life. They do things they love. They go places they love. And this love allows them to see the light through the darkness.

“But there will come a time you’ll l see

With no more tears

And love will not break your heart

But dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see, what you

Find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

I grew up Catholic, but I became disenchanted with organized religion. But I have always believed that there is a higher power, whether it be male or female or neither. Whether it be one or many. I don’t mean to be controversial and I don’t want to tell you what to believe, but I think it is arrogant of us to think we know what the higher power is and that it is anything like us and that only some people are allowed to be close to it. Church shouldn’t just be four walls on one day. It should be the sky and the earth and all the living creatures. All of it, every day.  And I would like to think that when we die, we will “get over our hills” and love “will dismiss our fears.” But the grace in our hearts will come from the love that we feel, that we give here and now.


“Love will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be.”

We may never be free of death. But we can be free of the fear of death. We can look death in the eye, walk towards it with heads held high. We can face death with courage and grace. But only if love fills our hearts. Love of each other, love of this world, love of life.

 

 

 

 

*The lyrics in this blog come from multiple songs, I just shared one.

 

I've been blessed

What is it about us humans that we are never completely satisfied?

I was driving home from work. And when I say work, I mean a shift at the flooring showroom followed by a few hours of installing hardwood floors. So, I was tired…and messy. And to top it off, I was stuck in traffic. I thought by taking a particular route, I was skipping the long wait to get onto the freeway. Unfortunately, I was wrong and found myself in a sea of cars leaving the racetrack. Yep, it was opening day. So, instead of quickly getting home to a warm shower and a glass of wine, I was slowly inching my way through an endless maze of cars. Ugh!

So, as I am sitting there, sweaty and exhausted, I look around. A BMW to the right, a Mercedes to the left, Audi in front. The sidewalks and crosswalks were full of people fresh from the horse races. Beautiful people everywhere, fully groomed and perhaps slightly buzzed, looking for a place to eat and drink some more martinis. The women all looked like they just stepped out of a magazine in their flattering summer dresses, impossibly tall wedge heels, and stylish hats, carrying Prada and Gucci handbags. I, on the other hand, dressed in t-shirt and sweatpants, had my bird’s nest in a ponytail and was covered in sawdust.

Though it kills me to admit it, I was jealous. I wanted to be wearing the clothes, shoes, and hat just purchased at Nordstrom’s for that event. I wanted to skip work in the middle of the week to enjoy the festivities of Opening Day at the Racetrack. I wanted $12 martinis. I wanted to eat a good steak or sushi. I wanted to be riding around in sports car instead of my economical Toyota hatchback.

“It’s not fair!” I cried in my head. Like a little girl denied candy, I was pouting, on the verge of throwing a tantrum. “Why is it that I have to work my butt off and save every penny to help pay a probably corrupt bank on a house that has lost value?!” “Why do banks get bailouts but people like me don’t?!” “Who are these people that can just shun their responsibilities to go schmooze and booze and be seen? Bankers? Insurance company executives? Politicians? Trust fund babies?” “Those people in their hats…humph.” My mind went into a total tailspin.

Then, I fought off the green-eyed monster. After it crawled back under its rock, I scolded myself for thinking like a spoiled brat.

First off, I’m not the type that is obsessed with name brands. Yes, I love to shop, but usually its Target or Marshall's or the thrift store. I bought a dress at Nordstrom’s last year, but only because I had a gift card and it was on the clearance rack. The most expensive pair of shoes I ever owned? My Doc Marten boots. My purse of choice right now is one I purchased for $2 at a yard sale. And I’m OK with that. I don’t need expensive clothes or shoes or purses. I’ll never have a love affair with a pair of Jimmy Choos, a la Carrie Bradshaw. That’s not me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I would never buy nice, expensive things. I like a little luxury now and again. But I don’t live for it.

And I’m totally conflicted about the horse races anyway. I love animals. Yes, people say the horses are treated well, but it breaks my heart when a horse is put down because they broke leg in the name of entertainment. Don’t worry; I won’t go all P.E.T.A. on you. I’m just saying that I’m not particularly a fan of horse racing.

And yes, the economy stinks. I work in a residential construction related industry and it’s taken a big hit, no doubt. But I have everything I need. I have the love of a good man and he works as hard as he can to support this family. I have a good son whose laughter warms my heart. We all have our health. We have a roof above our heads and food to eat. I have family and friends and good times with them all. I have a job. There are people who have been unemployed for months, years, who would gladly sell and install floors. There are people who have to beg for their meals. There are families struggling to make ends meet. There are people who have lost the ones they love. There are people who are lonely, distraught, and afraid. And here I am, upset because I had to work instead of dropping money on overpriced cocktails. To tell you the truth, part of me enjoys installing. Hard work is good for the soul. It tames the ego. Plus, it’s rewarding to create a little bit of beauty in someone’s home. And I get to work with power saws!

I know not all bankers, insurance company executives, and politicians are bad. People who were born into families with money are not all spoiled, selfish brats. I am disgusted with myself for even having those thoughts. There is nothing wrong with ambition and I can’t begrudge people their success. And if I want to be able to take a day off work to enjoy good times, well then I have to do something about it. The spectators aren’t all bankers, CEOs, or politicians anyway. I went to the races once (a long time ago) and I know people who go who aren’t uber rich or the least bit pretentious.

I guess it’s part of human nature to want more. If it wasn’t, there would be a lot of companies out of business. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, and it’s often a good thing. Wanting more is what leads us to explore and discover and try. It pushes us to make ourselves, to make life, better.

The thing is not to let greed possess you. You must appreciate what you have and not let jealousy spoil your heart. And you have to understand and know what is truly important in life. Not clothes or shoes or indulgent food and drink. Not anything you own. Not anything you can buy.

It’s the simple things. It’s peace within. It’s love.

And I've been blessed.

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
                                            -Mother Teresa

One of my classmates passed away recently and it hit me harder than I would have expected. I wouldn’t say I was close to him but I knew him. Well, I knew him in a way that someone from a small town knows someone else. I admit that I could have gotten to know him better, but we were different, ran in different circles. See, he was a genuinely good guy. Good grades, good behavior, community service, involved in sports, strong in his faith…the works. He was nice to everyone, and no one could ever say a bad thing about him. And the one thing I remember most was his smile. He had a smile for everyone and it was warm, innocent, and most of all, sincere.

I, on the other hand, was not such a good girl. I didn’t feel like I belonged, so I misbehaved in protest. But I’ve already told you about that.

What I wanted to say is that this guy didn’t look down his nose at me. He didn’t treat me any differently. He was nice to me, and he never withheld his smile from me. That was the type of person he was. He had a good heart and a good soul. And it saddens me that such a good person had to be taken so young. He deserved to live a long, happy life.

But I thank the higher power that the world was blessed with his presence, even if for a short time. I thank the higher power that there are people like him in this world. People who keep their minds and hearts open. People who give of themselves without a second thought. People who don’t feel the need to place judgment on everyone they know. People who talk to you and listen to you and are genuinely interested in what you have to say. People who smile. I don’t think people realize how much power a smile can hold. What if we all smiled at each other instead of scowling and screaming and fighting and pointing fingers? What if we just took the time to smile at the people we see at work, at school, at the grocery store, wherever, whenever?

I believe that we are here to know love. We are here to give love, to receive love, to be hurt by love, to be healed by love. And I’m not speaking solely of romantic love. I’m speaking of all kinds, including love of your fellow human being. I think my dearly departed classmate, who gave his life for his country, knew this love.

I wish there were more people like him in this world. Then maybe this world would be a better place.

I know I am an idealist. I know the grumps and cynics will tell me to take my kumbaya nonsense and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. I wish they could see that is what is wrong with the world. That people don’t smile or connect with others. That people judge and hate. That people don’t believe in the power of love and kindness.  And as long as people don’t believe in love and kindness, as long as people build walls around their hearts, around their souls, around their homes and cities and countries, then there will not be peace and joy for all. I know it sounds simplistic, but what is wrong with that? Maybe we have over complicated everything anyway. Maybe it’s possible that tearing down the walls we have built to keep each other out will make all our lives better. Maybe it’s possible that opening our hearts and minds to each other will allow us to see the beauty and wonder we have been blind to. Maybe it’s possible that love is all we need.

And maybe it’s possible that a smile, in some small way, can change the world.

This post is dedicated to all the men and women who serve this country, and to those who have given their lives to ensure our freedom. Until we can tear down those walls and greet each each other with a smile instead of with fear, they will be there to protect us.

Have a safe and happy Fourth!

Walk a Mile

I often wonder about humans. And everyday something happens that makes me wonder even more.

I was driving home from school and was tired and brain fried. The street I was on is often busy and not engineered for efficiency.  It passes in front of a church and private school. On this day, traffic was getting bunched up, but it began to move slowly so I went slowly with it. Well, of course, it stopped and I had to stop. My timing and location were not ideal. I was right in front of one of the exits from the church parking lot. It wouldn’t have been a big deal except that there was a ‘gentleman’ trying to leave the parking lot and he was none pleased that I stopped where I did.

He stared at me as though I had just insulted his mother. If looks could kill, I would have been slaughtered! Had he not had his wife and child in the vehicle, he might have jumped out and taken a bat to my windshield.

Fortunately, after staring at me for a minute or so, he decided to squeeze through the space just wide enough for him to pull out in front of me. Being the lady that I am, I waved him on through instead of returning his dirty looks.

Traffic moved about then and he sped away like a bat out of hell.

I saw this as a microcosm of human behavior. Admittedly, I was not entirely present and had I been, I might have stopped further back. And I think that many of us, much of the time, are not entirely present. We are preoccupied with often negative thoughts; the economy sucks, the bills are due, we hate our jobs. We are also busy; we have to get to work, pick up the kids, go to the grocery store.

All this busyness and preoccupation keeps us from giving the current situation our full attention and so we make mistakes. Here’s the other problem. People often take those mistakes as personal transgressions. And they flip the bird or yell at you or threaten you. Sometimes the only mistake you made was being anywhere near them while they were in a bad mood. There are a lot of angry people in the world. And I don’t always blame them. Life is unfair, life is tough, and it takes a lot to keep your patience and compassion. And the more you deal with people who cut you off in traffic, the easier it is to become jaded about the human race.

Now, I have vowed to work on keeping a positive attitude and I like to think that most humans are good by nature. So, I don’t want to bad mouth that man. Maybe he is actually really nice. Maybe he had to rush home to a sick child. Maybe he had been cut off in traffic multiple times that day. I don’t know. But part of becoming a better human being is putting yourself in the other person’s place. Try to understand what the other person is thinking or feeling. Patience, forgiveness, empathy. Maybe that man could have spared a little patience for me. I’m not always inconsiderate. In fact, most of the time, I let people get in front of me or pull out of a parking lot.

I guess in the end, the fact remains that we humans are selfish creatures. We find it difficult to think of other people or how our behavior might affect them. We make mistakes but find it difficult to forgive others of their mistakes. All that matters is what we want or need, where we have to go and what we have to do.

While I wonder what the world would be like if we were all endlessly patient and deeply compassionate, I know that there are lots of good people in the world doing good things for others. There are plenty of big hearts and open minds to balance out the cold souls. People who love and forgive and always smile at other people, even those who are rude and mean. People who refrain from judging or taking their anger out on others. There are people who offer a helping hand and never expect anything in return. People who take the time, who have the awareness to think about walking a mile in someone else's shoes before they react.

I wonder how they do it.