I watched the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” and it stirred up emotions in me I wasn't expecting. And since it did, I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings with you.

The movie, based on a novel by Stephen Chbosky, centers on a teenage boy named Charlie. He is shy, very introverted, and extremely intelligent. Unfortunately, these characteristics generally make for a tough freshman year of high school. And for Charlie, this is compounded by his ongoing struggle with depression, especially after the suicide of his best friend, and some heartbreaking family issues.

I recommend that you watch the movie, so I don’t want to tell you too much. Suffice to say that Charlie faces some of the same trials and tribulations that many of us do as teens. There are bullies. There are awkward moments. There are drugs and alcohol. There are issues of young love and sexuality.  The teenage years can be such a difficult and challenging time, especially for people like Charlie, who feel more comfortable with their head in a book than in a crowded lunch room.

I have told you before that I had some difficulty as a teenager. I always felt different, weird. I never felt as though I belonged. And there were some very mean people, mostly girls. I struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety. I guess that’s why the movie touched me as it did. It caused me to remember the sometimes dark days of high school.

I think many of us look back at our teenage years with some sadness. It’s a confusing time, when our hormones are rapidly changing and randomly firing. When we are searching for who we are, where we belong, and where we are going. Our bodies and opinions are constantly changing. We know just enough to get us into trouble, though we think we know everything. We are testing our independence and consequently, the patience of everyone around us.

Sometimes, people cannot face these challenges. Or maybe they don’t want to. Maybe they would rather watch it all go by, wallflowers, staying out of the blinding lights of society. Or maybe they are pushed against the wall by others. Maybe they are bullied by those who are just as confused as they are, but who deal with it by lashing out at others. Maybe home isn't necessarily a haven from the cruel world. Or they are dealing with great loss. Whatever the reason may be, some people find themselves falling into a hole, swallowed up by loneliness. In this dark hole, they can’t see all they have ahead of them.

It saddens me to think of those who experienced only the lows of growing up. Those who found it better to leave the world than to face it. Sadly, it happens all too often. You read stories in the paper about girls who had awful rumors spread about them, called sluts and whores on the Internet. Boys who were shamed for their sexuality and physically abused. These are children. And they are taunted by other children to the point they put a gun to their heads or overdose on medication. It’s awful to think about, but we have to.

I think about it when I watch nature shows sometimes. I see some of the violent things that animals do, whether as adolescents, or as groups, and I wonder if we are as evolved as we think. I wonder if we are not all that different than these animals. Perhaps not.

I sometimes worry what my son will experience when he enters that phase in his life. Will his coming-of-age story have a happy ending? Or will he suffer through some of the same heartbreak Charlie experienced.

There really is no black and white answer. I know my son will experience some of the same struggles as me, as Charlie. That is a part of life. And without the struggles, there can be no appreciation of joy. I hope that he will be strong enough to face all the challenges, to find- no- to make his place in the world. I also hope that like Charlie and I, my son will find true best friends. Friends who love him, support him, accept him, and appreciate him. For Charlie and I, that was like a ray of light breaking through endless clouds of grey.

I hope that my husband and I can help guide my son. I hope that we can see the signs if he does begin to slide into that black hole. I hope we can make him understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that life has just as many ups as downs. I hope we can show him his potential, and all the life has to offer.

And I hope he has good teachers. And good books, too. Yes, a lot of good books.

**I hope we can all guide our children. Not only to make it through the tough times, but to help others make it through the tough times. I hope we can teach them how to love and respect their peers. And I hope we can all see and react to the signs of depression and loneliness. They may lose their innocence, but we should not lose our innocents.**

The other day, someone asked if I had posted any poetry on my blog. I responded that I hadn't. It made sense they asked such a question. I had said that I have been writing poetry since I was 11 years old. Granted, my earlier poetry wasn't anything to write home about. Even now, I feel that I have a long way to go before I can ever rightfully call myself a 'poet'. Perhaps that is why I have not shared that part of me with you. I will also admit that I have been afraid to put my poetry out there on the world wide interweb. It's very personal, and what if someone tries to pawn it off as their own? But does it matter in the end? I haven't won any awards or received any recognition, so maybe it wouldn't be worth stealing. If it was however, I guess all that matters is that I give some small gift to the world, to kindred souls. Maybe I can touch one or two of you out there.

So, here it is. I wrote this poem for my son and I share it with all of you.

Knight

I look upon him as he sleeps-

little body curled up tight,

safe within the fortress of blankets

built to shelter him from the cold.

The nightlight stands guard-

a torch to keep away the darkness

and the nightmares.

I know in the morning

I will find the fortress destroyed-

its walls kicked down,

heaped on the floor next to

fallen toy soldiers.

A tiny foot will be dangling

over the edge of a tower,

one blanket desperately clinging

to him for dear life.

Like that one blanket,

I want to hold on;

I want to keep him safe from the cold-

the kind that freezes bodies,

and the kind that freezes souls.

I want to be his shield, protect him

from those who would aim

their arrows of hate and pain

at his tender heart.

I want to be his torch-

keep away the monsters of the dark,

the living nightmares.

I want to be the safe haven

he runs to when life frightens him.

I want him to stay warm and safe

in his fortress of blankets,

while I keep guard.

But I know he can’t stay forever.

He will feel confined, will want freedom.

And he will kick off my blankets of protection.

He may get cold and he may get hurt,

but he will become strong,

learn to protect himself and

fight his own battles.

And someday, he will build a fortress

for his own.

To err is human, to forgive divine?

I saw the movie Five Minutes of Heaven. Its title is very deceiving. It doesn't involve a lover’s tryst or anything you might suspect. Rather, it’s about guilt and forgiveness. It’s not the type of movie you watch for entertainment, but the type that makes you think about things you don’t normally wish to be faced with on a big screen in vivid color. I thought I would give it a shot because it won an award and it stars Liam Neeson, an actor I have much respect for. Set in Northern Ireland, Five Minutes focuses on two men, one a murderer, the other, the brother of the man he murdered. Both have been prisoners of guilt for a long time when the media arranges a meeting between the two.

It reminded me of the book I told you about, The Shack. I thought of the character in that book who had to find a way to not only forgive the man who kidnapped and murdered his daughter, but also himself, and the God he blamed.

In both, hearts are broken, lives shattered, questions asked, people forever changed, and the human condition explored.

As the famous saying attributed to Gandhi goes “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” I truly believe that if everyone sought revenge and payback, there would be no one, nothing left in this world. But, I would be a liar if I said that I never relished the thought of someone ‘getting what they deserved.’ And I do believe in Karma. I think that we all sometimes hope that what goes around truly does come around.

And what if my own child had been taken from me? What if my own sibling had been shot because of a petty difference in beliefs? What then? Would I be able to forgive? Would I be able to keep hate from seeping into my every cell? I honestly don’t know. I would like to think that I could, but I don’t know.

It’s easy to say we should forgive. It’s harder to actually do it.

At the same time, we all seek forgiveness. And I think, what if I caused someone immense pain? Maybe I didn't mean to, but that doesn't lessen the agony. I don’t think I would ever kill someone, but what if I did on accident? What if the sun was in my eyes and I didn't see the person crossing the street? What then? I know that I would carry that with me for the rest of my life. I don’t know that I could forgive myself, let alone hope for forgiveness from the loved ones of that person.

I know, not the kind of stuff anyone wants to think about. But sometimes you have to. You have to face the ugly, darker side of life, of human nature. I have always believed in the goodness of people. But time has showed me that most, if not all of us, are capable of awful things.

I guess in the end, it’s how we deal with these things that defines us. Do we allow the pain and anger and questioning to consume us, to tear us apart inside? Or do we find a way to rise above, to fill our hearts and souls with courage and love?

I would not presume to tell you what you should feel or how you should deal with your own situations. We are all different. I share this with you only as a fellow human being with thoughts and questions of my own. I hope that we can all learn to forgive each other and ourselves. But in my own mind, I wonder if we all deserve forgiveness. I’d like to think we do. Then I read about the vicious, violent things that humans do to each other, and I have my doubts. It’s a battle. To feel and know the love that I believe in, and to feel and know the heartache of human failings.

How do you feel? What would you do?

My Reasons

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I know, a little late to the game, right? Unfortunately, my son, who I love with all my heart, gave me his cold as a Valentine gift. Bless his little heart, he felt so bad when he came home to find me in bed, sneezing and sniffling. He even apologized. Talk about love.

Yes, let’s talk about love. You know I believe that love is our reason for living. And though my heart has been open all my life, I never truly understood what pure, unconditional love was. I didn't know how much and how deeply I could love. Not until I got married and had a child.

In my younger years, I was desperate for love and affection. We could go into the psychology of it all, but we all understand the reasons we have for searching for acceptance, validation, understanding. And I don't want to play that "poor me, my childhood wasn't perfect" card. Basically, I felt alone and very much misunderstood.

I dated a lot. But I didn't always choose wisely. In fact, for the most part, I chose poorly. I guess like a lot of women, I liked the bad boys. In my mind, it wasn't so much bad as it was “different.” Because I felt different. And admittedly, I was kind of bad. I always felt there were too many rules and limitations. I didn't want to conform. I wanted to be a free bird. Unfortunately, I only caused myself to be alienated and hurt. Girls thought I was a boyfriend stealer and boys thought I was just a girl to have fun with.

As I got older, my decision making didn't improve much. I still chose the guys who liked to play, who strung me along, who acted as though they might want something serious but would never say the words. There were nice guys. But of course, they weren't for me. It would be unfair of me to say that I never hurt anyone. Because I did. And I regret it.

Yes, I had my heart broken many times. And each time I swore I would never let it happen again. I would play the game and I would keep my heart under lock and key. But I am too sensitive, too emotional, and too much the hopeless romantic.

And then one day, he came into my life. The first time I saw him, I knew. I just knew. He was the one. It was as though time stood still, as though the world melted away, and all I could see was him. His beautiful blue eyes, his playful smile.

It was a while before he asked me out. Circumstances were not perfect. I had a broken heart, he had a heart on the mend. Life was life, never calm or easy. I think we both thought we should take it slow, I think we tried to be careful. But love doesn't play by any rules. He quickly welcomed me into his life and into his heart. He accepted me for all that I was and all that I wasn't  For so long, I had been convinced that somehow I didn't deserve to be loved. He showed me I was wrong, and helped me to learn to love myself.

It was easy for us to be together. There were no walls between us. We could share ourselves completely with each other.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me crazy. We have fun together, no matter what we do or where we go. We finish each other’s thoughts, ask each other questions, teach each other. And we can’t get enough of each other. 

When I gave birth to our son, the bond that united us became stronger. And I fell in love again-with him, and our boy. I see so much beauty and hope in my son’s eyes. His laugh is like music for my soul. His empathy and sensitivity touch my heart. And he loves me, completely and unconditionally. I am his mommy, and always will be.

Life has its ups and downs. We have had our share of hard times and struggles. But our love not only keeps us going strong, it keeps the smiles on our faces. It doesn't matter what we don’t have, as long as we have each other. Though none of us are perfect, we love each other just the same, and we try to be better for each other.

Sometimes, I feel so full of love for them, I want to cry. No matter what I write or say, no words ever seem to be enough. It’s powerful, overwhelming, amazing, exhilarating, frightening.

They are my loves. They are my Valentines. They are my reasons for living.

I hope that you all have found yours. If not, don't ever give up hope. You all deserved to be loved-truly and unconditionally loved.

Letter from God

I recently read The Shack by WM Paul Young . It was quite moving and it stirred up so many emotions in me, I felt I had to share with you. If you are not familiar with the novel, it centers on a man whose daughter has disappeared. Though she is never found, evidence points to something terrible happening to her in a dilapidated shack in the wilds of Oregon. A long time later, the man receives a letter from God (?) requesting a meeting at that very shack.

I am always deeply saddened by any tragedy, but especially so when children are involved. And I struggle with the everyday evidence of man’s inhumanity to man. So, that part certainly struck me, made me cry. But it’s what occurs when the man returns to the shack that reached somewhere deeper inside me.

Now, I am not what you would call a religious person. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an atheist. I believe there is a God. But I don’t pretend to know what God is, male or female or something different altogether. I don’t attend church because I believe that God is everywhere, in everything and everyone and that we should celebrate and honor all every day, not just for an hour on Sunday.

Although I attended church almost every Sunday as a young girl, I eventually found myself at odds with religion. I couldn't understand the history of murder and corruption and hypocrisy. But I've also come to understand that, unfortunately, that’s just human nature at its worst, and all societies have been guilty of such. And the truth is that some of the most wonderful parts of humans can be seen in churches, in religious gatherings and ceremonies, and in acts done in the name of God.

My disillusionment with religion stems from certain questions I have in regards to religious contradictions. Everyone says God is love. If that is true, then why have people been outcast, shamed, tortured, and killed all in the name of God? That doesn't sound like love to me. And if the bible tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, why do people hate those who are not of their race, culture, or religion? What about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone?” From what I can see, everyone is throwing stones, regardless of the wrong they themselves are guilty of. People won't forgive others but expect complete forgiveness from God. People spend so much time and energy passing their judgments on others, condemning whoever they think is not worthy of love and acceptance, I wonder how anyone has any time or heart left to love.

And as I have said before, I think our whole purpose on this planet is to love and be loved. And if God is love, then to love is to serve God, right?

I don’t want to offend or argue. I really just want to share my thoughts, because this book touched me. It caused me ponder on my own ideas of faith, and it awakened my desire to connect with the Divine.

It made me look into my own soul.

I don’t want to tell you what you should believe, but I will share with you my own feelings. I believe it’s in our relationships with each other that we find God. It’s in being kind and forgiving and accepting others. It’s in releasing our anger and hatred, in dismissing our prejudices and resentments. It’s in being the best human we can possibly be.

It’s also in appreciating the awesome beauty that surrounds us. It’s in respecting all living creatures. It’s in admiring the forests, the mountains, the desert, the ocean. If we truly wanted to honor God, we wouldn't treat his/her/it’s creations the way we do.

I also don't believe that we should blame God for all our troubles. We shouldn't look up when screaming "why?!" We should look in the mirror, not only as individuals, but as a society. Nor should we turn to God only in times of need, begging for everything from here to the moon. And yes, sometimes things are out of our individual control, but that doesn't mean God is purposely causing us pain. Life is not perfect. There will be pain. But we have the power to move on, to become stronger, to do better. We are ultimately responsible for ourselves. 

I know, you don’t read my blog looking for a sermon. And I certainly am not qualified to give one. I am only human, imperfect and dripping with sin. I don’t expect you to agree with me. In fact, I want you to do your own asking, searching, and looking within. I didn't necessarily agree with all the author’s ideas myself.

But perhaps, if we all take a moment to reflect on what it means to be human, to have a heart and soul, and to be children of God, we will find a way to live better lives, and to create a better world.

Hosting Violence

Here I am, there you are. The world didn’t get hit by a giant asteroid or break apart in a thousand earthquakes or get bombed out of existence by aliens. No, December 2012 came and went without so much as a hint of Armageddon. The end didn't happen.

But, something did happen in December 2012. And it was awful. Death and pain and sadness, and the end of the world for some. 20 children, innocent children were killed. I can’t understand it, what that young man did, why he would take the lives of some of our most vulnerable.

I wasn't working that day because I had a bad back, and all I could really do was sit on the couch and watch television. Once I started watching the news, I couldn't turn away. Every part of me wanted to, because it was so sad and heartbreaking. But I couldn't  and by the end of the day, I felt so low. And I cried. I cried for those children. I cried for the six adults who also died. I cried for the families, the friends, the town, this country, the human race. My heart felt as though it had been shattered into a million pieces.

I also cried for the young man who committed the murders. I cried because something inside him was so wrong. I am not God and I don’t sit in judgment of anyone. And I know that mental illness is an overwhelming problem, one that doesn't receive the attention it needs. I know many people suffer with psychological disturbances or tremendous emotional pain and they don’t receive the help they need.

I also know that there are people who are simply evil, who hurt others for their own sick and twisted pleasure.

It pains me to read the paper or watch the news, knowing that all too often, it's full of evidence of man's inhumanity to man.

This wasn't the only shooting. There was the movie theater in Colorado, the Oregon mall shooting, and too many others. Each time, I feel as though a dark shadow hovers over my soul. And I question why these things happen.

I don’t think the Mayans saw December 2012 as the end of the world, but rather as the end of a cycle. Perhaps it was not to be one cataclysmic event, but a series of events that lead to great change. Could there be change around the corner for this violent world?

I just finished reading, listening to the book, The Host by Stephanie Meyer, of Twilight fame. In the story, human beings have their bodies taken by aliens. There is no knock-down, drag-out war, no bombings of major cities, no giant machines snapping up humans . No, the aliens quietly take over the world, neatly slipping into the bodies of their hosts. I don’t want to give away the book. No, what I wanted to tell you was how the main character, an alien in a human body, wonders about the violent, aggressive nature of humans. And because I was already contemplating that myself, this kind of spoke to me. (I often find that reading books opens my eyes and mind to the interconnectedness of things)

Why is the human race so violent? Why do we hurt each other, hurt other beings? Perhaps we are not as evolved as we like to think. Perhaps we are mostly animal. And as I said before, I am not one to judge. I myself enjoy watching football. I have taken martial arts classes. I like to punch and kick. So, as a human, I’m not above violence myself. Is it the release of that aggressive, animal energy we have inside? Is it that biologically we were not meant to be passive creatures? Is it that we were made to hunt, to run and climb and swim, to do the things mammals of this planet do and now that we don’t need to do those things, that unused energy gets stored up inside us and needs to be let out? That would explain the human love affair with violent sports, movies, and video games.

In the book, the alien race is non-violent, very passive, and guided by love and kindness. Some believed the humans did not deserve their lives or their planet because of their ugly, violent, selfish ways. If I were an alien watching the news that day those children were killed, I might think the same thing.

But I am human. And I know that we are all imperfect. Perhaps all of us are capable of violence. But while I understand there are bad souls out there, I also believe that most of us are capable of great things. We have the ability to love deeply, to feel compassion, to help others. I will not accept that this beautiful world full of so many beautiful people, is one deserving of a takeover by some far away alien race. I know that we each have the power to chase away the darkness that threatens our innocent blue skies.

I believe that we can create change, good change, great change.  I believe in the power of love, understanding, empathy, and compassion. 

I also believe the Mayans were right about the end of the cycle. Will it be the start of a better one? Or will we continue down our dark path until we lose everything, whether to our own violent ways, or to aliens?

Death.

Does that make you want to quit reading now? The word is so heavy, I can almost feel the weight upon my back. Perhaps that is why my back aches so much right now. In fact, I’m hunched over as I am typing this.

Death is always there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to catch us unawares. Well, sometimes death calls to say it will be arriving in few months or days. Either way, we don’t usually put out the welcome mat and bake some cookies.

I will turn to my current lyrical favorites, Mumford and Sons:

“Death is at your doorstep and it will steal your innocence,

but it will not steal your substance…”


 
We try to avoid it at all costs. We don’t even like to discuss it. So, I understand if you decide to skip this blog. But my purpose is not to cloud your sunny skies. I’m not trying to depress you. No, I’ve just been thinking about death because it seems to surround me. In the last ten years or so, I have lost family, friends, acquaintances, a neighbor, even a dog. Each death saddened me, hurt me, and took a little bit of my innocence. With each funeral, I felt I aged.

But some of those who passed knew death was coming for them, and they accepted it with grace and understanding. And they did not allow death or the fear of death to steal their substance, to cast a shadow upon their hearts.

“Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won’t rot, I won’t rot

Not his mind and not this heart…”

 

Life does not exist without death. Light without dark. Joy without sorrow. And without the knowledge that death can come at any moment, we would not appreciate each day that we are given. We would take everything, everyone for granted if we thought tomorrow was guaranteed. But I, we, cannot allow the knowledge that death is unavoidable to darken our lives. We cannot allow it to eat away at us, to cause our mind, our hearts, and souls to rot.


“Death is just so full, and man so small

I’m scared of what’s behind, and what’s before…”
 

Yes, death is full. It is full and final and it fills us with fear. We don’t know what waits for us upon death, if anything at all. We worry that our lives, what we leave behind is all that we will ever have. Will we die with regret? Will we look back and wish we had done it differently? Wish we had done more.Wish we had done better.

“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.”

Perhaps I am naive to think it, but I believe that our purpose in life is to love and be loved. I know,  I told you all that before. But think about those who have faced death. Think about people who have been to the edge and back. Think about people who have been given months to live. What do many of them do? They live each day as though it were their last. And they love, completely, with abandon. Not just love their partners, but their children, their friends, themselves. They love life. They do things they love. They go places they love. And this love allows them to see the light through the darkness.

“But there will come a time you’ll l see

With no more tears

And love will not break your heart

But dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see, what you

Find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

I grew up Catholic, but I became disenchanted with organized religion. But I have always believed that there is a higher power, whether it be male or female or neither. Whether it be one or many. I don’t mean to be controversial and I don’t want to tell you what to believe, but I think it is arrogant of us to think we know what the higher power is and that it is anything like us and that only some people are allowed to be close to it. Church shouldn’t just be four walls on one day. It should be the sky and the earth and all the living creatures. All of it, every day.  And I would like to think that when we die, we will “get over our hills” and love “will dismiss our fears.” But the grace in our hearts will come from the love that we feel, that we give here and now.


“Love will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be.”

We may never be free of death. But we can be free of the fear of death. We can look death in the eye, walk towards it with heads held high. We can face death with courage and grace. But only if love fills our hearts. Love of each other, love of this world, love of life.

 

 

 

 

*The lyrics in this blog come from multiple songs, I just shared one.