In the End

This is poem I wrote after learning that Linkin Park frontman, Chester Bennington, had committed suicide. May he rest in peace.

In the End

"It doesn't even matter,"
I heard you scream.
But it did matter, 
that you had to fall
into the hole 
at the edge of your heart-
the black hole 
that always threatened
to swallow your entire universe.
Every painful memory,
every tortured why?
pulling and stretching
and taking you to a place
where infinite beauty and
infinite sorrow collide.
In the end, you could not see, 
that for you the stars did shine.
In the end, you could not hear
the supernova in your own voice.
In the end, it did matter.
You mattered.
You mattered.
You always mattered.

A Poem for What Remains of National Poetry Month

Well, I couldn't just let National Poetry Month end without posting a poem!

What Remains

Like wanton lovers, the days come to me
dressed in dreams and perfumed with possibilities,
whispering of all that could be,
hypnotizing me with their seductive songs
so that I can't see where I'm headed,
so that I can't see I'm always falling.
But when the sun sets, they disappear
without a word, without looking back.
And I clutch at them, begging for more.
And I reach for them as they float away,
the remains littering the landscape of my life-
each torn and tattered piece reminding me
of all my faults and failures,
of all that I am and all that I am not. 
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
spent looking towards the future.
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
spent without fear and doubt.
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
that never existed except in my dreams.
Time waits for no one, but teases everyone.

Fear the Nocturnal Animals

I recently watched the movie, Nocturnal Animals. I followed that up with the season finale of The Walking Dead. I don't know why, but I have a fascination with all things dark and morbid. 

While I would recommend watching both, I wouldn't recommend watching both back to back as I did. Maybe throw a Will Ferrell movie in between, you know, cleanse the mental/emotional palate. Unless, of course, you're a glutton for punishment like me.

Anyway, watching these got my brain on wheels rolling down a dark highway. Much like the characters in Nocturnal Animals. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but I'm warning you, I will have to give a few details.

So, this family in Nocturnal Animals is traveling down a deserted highway at night. (Why?!?!??! At night, in the middle of nowhere?!?!) When they finally come upon another car, it's occupied by a group of shady characters. These men harass the family and eventually force them off the road and subsequently kidnap the wife and daughter.

As you can imagine, nothing good follows. 

Watching this not only got my brain rolling, but it also got my blood boiling. I kept questioning why the father let things happen. Why did he let those guys run him off the road? Why didn't he fight? Why didn't he try harder to stop those men from taking his wife and daughter? Why weren't his wife and daughter armed with knives or pepper spray or something? I was seriously pissed off. I kept thinking about what I would have done differently in that situation. I kept thinking about what I would have done to those guys. I kept thinking about how I would have fought tooth and nail.

Now, I train in martial arts, so part of me is always on high alert and always thinking about what I would need to do to protect myself and my family. I think everyone should train in martial arts. But that's another conversation.

So, after that brutal film, I watched the season finale of the Walking Dead. Again, bad guys doing bad things to people. Again, I was pissed off. Again, I was thinking about what I would do. What I would need to do. In the show, people acted to save others. They fought. They made difficult decisions. And one even sacrificed herself.

Let's step into the real world now. Think about when you see/hear/read tragic news stories. Often times, people react to these stories by questioning the actions or inaction of those involved, including the victims. People will say things like "what were they thinking," or "why were they doing this or that," or "why were they in that place," or "why didn't they just..." or "I would have..." 

It's easy to watch shows and movies and think you know what should or could be done in a given situation. It's easy to watch or read the news and make assumptions. It's easy to question the actions of others. It's easy when you're on the outside looking in. And hindsight is 20/20. But, unless you are in that situation, how do you really know? 

I asked myself that. How do I really know? Because you can't unless and until you're in that situation. Of course, you can train and prepare. But can you really train and prepare for every possible situation? And, does training and preparing guarantee you'll be ready when the time comes? 

I asked myself if I would truly be able to fight. If I would be able to smother the rising fear and panic. If I would be able to act swiftly and efficiently. If I would have the mental/emotional/physical strength to act. I like to think I would. 

I also asked myself if I would have the courage to risk my own life. If I would be brave enough to sacrifice myself for the safety of my family. Would I be able to disregard my instinct for self-preservation?
Or would I be weak? Would fear take hold of me and render me useless? Would I make mistakes that would have tragic consequences? Would I fail to keep my family safe? Again, I like to think I would.

I also thought about some of the stupid/risky/dangerous things I've done in my life. I think about some of the mistakes I've made. How I failed to think about the possible consequences of my actions. How easy it was to put myself in a bad situation. How lucky I was. Because many of us don't often think about the dangers lurking around every corner. Or the predator lurking around every corner. Or how quickly something bad can happen. 

I would like to think I'll know just what to do if the time comes. But I really won't know until that time comes. Until I am tested. Until my feet are held to the fire. Until a knife or gun is pointed at me. Until someone tries to run me off the road and take my family. I can think about it. I can talk about it. I can even train for it. But it's what I actually do in that moment that counts.

So maybe I shouldn't be so quick to think I would act differently, or do better than someone else in a given situation. We all experience fear and momentary weakness. We all make mistakes. 

And we are all trying to do the best that we can. We are all just trying to survive in this crazy world. 

Something to think about.


Also, think about training. Give yourself a fighting chance.

THE END

It's been a while since I've written, so I thought I would check in. Didn't want you to think that my brain on wheels just wandered off the face of the earth. I'll keep it short and sweet today. Well, maybe not so sweet. Here is a poem I wrote.

The End 

I sometimes dream the banality of life is disrupted

by some unprecedented cataclysmic force,

and the world is thrown into complete disorder

as panic wipes the spurious smiles off painted faces,

and melts the glaciers covering dispassionate souls,

and the rat maze of office buildings and shopping malls

and track houses is left entirely in ruins.

After the destruction follows a peaceful emptiness

and a beautiful silence that will inevitably be shattered

by the insistent screaming of my alarm clock.

TALKING WITHOUT LISTENING

"When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

                                -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

If you've been following me, you know that I have a degree in Interior Design, but have not been able to establish a career in the field. You also know that I love to write. For a while now, I've been thinking that writing is the path I should have taken all along. And since they say it's never too late, I decided to return to school to study writing. Yay me!

I started with a class in journalism. One of the assignments for this class was to interview a person about his or her profession.

Stay with me, because I'm not here to tell you about journalism or someone's profession.

What I actually wanted to write about, was what I learned from the interviewing experience.

Most of the time, when we talk to people, the discussion is a little about them, a little about ourselves. When you interview someone, the focus is entirely on them. You want to know who they are, what they think, or what they feel. You want to know about their life or experiences. Sure, there is still some give and take. Even though it's mainly questions and answers, there is still discussion. But for the most part, you're really trying to get that person to open up.

The person I chose to interview for my assignment is a friend. I chose her because I thought she had an interesting profession and was curious about her thoughts and feelings on the subject.  I know some of you might assume that because she is my friend, I wouldn't really learn anything new. But I did. That's the thing about interviewing someone versus talking to them. You shut up and listen.

You don't interrupt to say what you want to say on the subject. You don't eagerly await for your turn to start talking. You don't think about what you want to say as they're talking. You don't relate their story or feelings to your own and say "well, when that happened to me, I..." or  "this is what I think," or this is what I feel." For a short period of time, you focus on someone  other than yourself.

We're all guilty of interrupting, interjecting, or redirecting the conversation back to ourselves. We can't help it. We're selfish creatures, and we want to talk about ourselves. But it's amazing what you learn when you close your mouth and open your ears.

I did learn a lot from my friend that day. Not just about her profession, but about her, too. And I've been friends with her for some years now. The other cool thing about it, is she said she learned some things about herself, too.

I'm not saying you should interview all the people in your life. What I'm saying is you should listen to them, get to know them. Ask them what they're thinking, how they're feeling, how their day went. And then really listen to their answers. If it seems like there is more to the story, ask them more questions. I don't mean pester them if they don't want to talk. Just be open. Be present. You'll really get to know people that way.

You might think you know all there is to know about your family or partner or spouse. But you might be surprised at what you don't know. And if all you do when you spend time with them is talk about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings , or your experiences, then you may never solve some of the wonderful mysteries of their souls. Don't wait until they're old or dying. Don't wait until you're old or dying. Don't regret not asking those questions. Don't regret not taking the time to listen. Once they've gone silent, that's it. And the silence can be deafening.

New Year, New You?

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world...as in being able to remake ourselves."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday season. I certainly did. And now begins a period of mourning as I say goodbye to my vacation.

Sigh. 

Ok, enough of that. I can't start out the new year with such negativity. That is definitely something I will continue to work on. Staying positive. 

But no, I won't make that a New Year's resolution.

In fact, I am not making any New Year's resolutions. Not because I am lazy or unmotivated. But I just don't think making resolutions is the way to go. You don't wake up on the first day of the new year and suddenly change your mindset or behavior. Change is a process. Evolution is a process. And it can be a slow one at that. 

That being said, I do have goals that I am working towards and will continue to work towards. I will continue to evolve. That is what we hope to do as humans - to evolve over our lifetimes. 

I train in martial arts, and before every class, we get down on one knee, bow our heads, and say a personal prayer. Each time, I ask God to help me become a better person, to conduct myself with dignity and honor, and to show love and respect to others. I also ask for guidance in being a good wife and mother, teacher and student. This is a lifelong goal for me. To become the best person I can be.

I think we are all trying to become the best people we can be. Our entire lives we strive to be better. It isn't a quick or simple process. And much of this process is two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes we stumble and fall. That is when we have to get up, dust ourselves off, and move on. We change and then change again. Or we're forced to change. Either our thinking or behavior. Or our environment. Or our job. Or the people we keep close. Sometimes everything and everyone around us changes and we have to adapt. Change really is the only constant in life.

I know I've come a long way in my personal evolution. But I still have far to go. I continue to make mistakes. I still overindulge in food and drink and self-pity at times. I sometimes hurt and disappoint those I love and care for. I am still slightly disorganized and forgetful, and can be irresponsible with my time and money. I'm still not where I want to be professionally. 

I don't expect to ever be perfect. But I know that I can be better. I want to be better. And I'll keep trying to be better. I'll keep learning and growing and adapting. 

I also know all of you are trying to better. (Well, most of you anyway) I know all of you have your own personal struggles and occasionally stumble on your path to becoming a better human being. Maybe you've already written a list of New Year's resolutions and you're determined to keep them. I'm not saying you should crumple up that paper and toss it, along with your intentions, in the trash. No, you should set goals. You should work towards improving yourselves and your lives. Just remember that like change, failure is a part of life. It is a part of learning and growing. We all stumble. We all fall. So if you don't lose those ten pounds or organize that closet in the next few weeks, it's not the end of the world. Forgive yourself, face the problem, figure out what happened, and then move on. And remember everyone else is trying, too. Be forgiving with others as they try to evolve.

Despite anecdotes of overnight success (think J.K. Rowling), there is no such thing as overnight success. People who became successful had to work hard to get where they are. And they had to put a lot of time into their work. Hard work. Dedication. Patience. The ability to get past mistakes and failures, and keep trying. That is what we all need on our path to improvement. That and a little bit of love. Love for ourselves and love for others.

I wish you all the best in the New Year, and on your own evolutionary path.

A House Divided Part II

The election is over. The results are in. And yet, there is no closure, no peace. We are still very much a nation divided. 

People are shocked, saddened, disappointed, and even angry about the results. I will admit that I am as well. I did not vote for him. I could not.

Now, I understand why the people chose him. Well, technically, the people chose someone else, but the electoral college system has been in place for a long time. We can't accept it when it goes in our favor,  and then complain when it doesn't.

The American people have been angry for a long time. The country is still trying to crawl out of the recession. Hard working men and women lost jobs or saw their savings dwindle. They became incensed with the banks and resentful of billionaire CEOs. And they blamed the government for not doing more to protect the average person from the wolves of Wall Street.

Maybe some of it was religiously motivated. Maybe a lot of people felt like this country has become too liberal. Maybe they wanted someone who would repeal Roe v. Wade. And here was this man who said women who have abortions should be punished. Perhaps there are many who were opposed to gay rights. And here was this man who said he was opposed to national marriage equality.

Another thing I hear all the time is how America has become "wussified." That we're all too sensitive and easily offended and self-entitled.  And here was this man who said whatever he wanted, no matter how offensive. 

People wanted, needed change. They wanted something, someone different. They didn't want another politician who would make empty promises all the while lining his or her pockets with special interest money. And along comes this so called "straight shooter" who seemed the embodiment of a great big middle finger to the establishment.

I wanted change as much as anyone else. But not change simply for change's sake. And although our president elect made a lot of promises, I never really heard him outline specific steps he would take to make the sweeping changes he promised. I didn't hear about actual, logistically sound solutions. Add to that some of the very disturbing things he said and I just could not vote for him. I could not vote for someone who I saw as a racist, misogynistic hate monger.

I know some of you don't agree with me. 

You believe he is a good man, that you have to "see through the weeds," as one woman put it. You'll say he really isn't racist, that he denounced the support of the Klu Klux Klan. And I'll say that his rhetoric fueled them, emboldened them. I'll point to the recent flying of the Nazi flag and the countless displays of racist graffiti that have since sprung up around the country. I'll tell you about the attacks on Muslims and people of color since the election results.

You'll say he isn't sexist or misogynistic. You'll say he has a lot of female supporters. I'll point out that he refers to women in derogatory terms, and insults and attacks any who disagree with him. He calls women nasty, fat pigs, and dogs. I'll remind you how he said he could grab women by their genitalia because he was famous.  You'll say it's all just words, that men sometimes say things like that. Maybe you'll even call it "locker room talk." And then you'll say his opponent's husband did a lot worse than talk.

I'll say that his words have incited hate and violence. He once implied that his opponent should be shot. He also said his supporters should "knock the crap out" of people protesting against him and that he would pay the bail for those who did so. He said he could shoot someone in Times Square and he would still have support. Again, you'll say it's all just words. And I'll tell you that a leader's words can push people to act, whether good or bad, and so his or her words should be chosen more carefully.

We could go on like this all day. And while I may not agree with you, I will listen to your point of view and try to understand what motivates you to support this man. I would like to think that you would do the same and try to understand why I didn't vote for him. But maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you quit reading this after the first paragraph.

The point is that we are all different, and we will not always agree. As I said before, we have different lives, different experiences, different perspectives. Every election cycle, half the people are unhappy with the results. And while I don't like the results of this election, I wouldn't vandalize property or burn the flag or attack anyone I thought voted for this man. I don't think you can denounce the hateful rhetoric of someone, and then proceed to be hateful yourself. That not only defeats your cause, but it only further divides. 

I'm not saying people shouldn't protest. That is a protected right. This country was built on protests. And had this man's opponent won, I'm sure his supporters would be protesting. But the protests should be peaceful.

Now is the time we all need to come together. We may not agree, but we are all a part of this American family. We can't continue down this dark, divisive path. Hatred will only lead to our destruction. We need to stop shouting insults at each other. We need to stop looking down on anyone who doesn't agree with us. We need to figure out how to love and accept each other in spite of our differences.

I honestly hope that the president-elect is better than the campaign he ran. I hope his words were just words. I hope he seeks to truly do what is right and good for this country. And so, even though I didn't vote for him, I will support him, as he will be our President, and I love this country.

However, I must use my voice to call out to our future President, to beseech him to use his words carefully, to denounce the hate and violence that has been displayed on his behalf. I beg him to be a President of, and for the people. FOR THE PEOPLE, ALL THE PEOPLE, NO MATTER RACE OR GENDER OR RELIGION OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

UNITE THIS COUNTRY SIR. FOR YOU ARE PART OF THIS REASON IT HAS BECOME SO DIVIDED.