Think About It

I’m baaaaaaccckkkkkk.

Forgive me for my absence; I know you were all eagerly awaiting my next post. I have been so wrapped up in other things, namely school.

Yes, I am a second timer, back in college for another try at obtaining that oh-so-important degree. This time around, I am married with a kid and a company to run so the process is slow and very demanding. I have only been attempting one class at a time as my classes require time-consuming, labor intensive projects. This semester, however, I decided to go crazy and take two classes! What madness!

Sarcasm aside, I’m not complaining. I love to learn. One of my classes this semester is English, which combines two of my favorite hobbies, reading and writing. And my teacher certainly loves to challenge us to think critically. We recently pondered two questions which interested me far more than I first anticipated. One was whether or not people need to attend college. The other was whether or not there is knowledge a person must have. I wrote essays on these subjects which turned out to be a combined 22 pages. Being that a blog is meant to be a casual and interesting conversation, I will not bore you by posting my papers. While I want to get you thinking about these subjects, my true purpose today is to get you thinking about knowledge and what it means to you, to all of us.

I know that our minds may be clouded by an imperfect education process. (No one/organization is perfect and I don't mean to blame it all on schools/teachers/administrators. We are all part of the education process) We think of school as something we have to do. We think we have to attend college because that is how we’ll be able to obtain a good job. Some might even think school is boring; it’s all about test scores, following rules, and learning things we’ll never use in the real world. But therein lies the problem. We have forgotten what the true value of an education is. We have forgotten the excitement of learning. We have forgotten the wonder of the world when viewed through curious eyes. We no longer appreciate the privilege that is an education.

Perhaps I am a nerd and that is why I think this way. But I am hungry for knowledge. I want to know the hows and whys and what ifs. And the more I learn, the more I feel connected to the world, to other people, to life. The more I learn, the more I see the connection between things. The more I learn, the smaller the world becomes. But at the same time, the larger it becomes. The more I learn, the more my mind opens up and I can see all the beauty, all the wonder, all the possibilities before me.

See, in the end, an education isn’t something forced upon us. It is a gift. An education is not solely about getting a job and making money. It is not a means to an end but an end in itself. The true purpose of an education is to make you think critically about the world, about life, about all that you are confronted with. An education is meant to make you a better person, not a better employee. Knowledge is meant to set you free, to give you the light you need to discover, to guide you through the darkness.

I could go on and on, but as I said before, I will not rewrite my essays. I just want you all to think about what it means to be educated and what knowledge is valuable, not what is considered practical, but what makes us better people. I see schools focusing on test scores, memorization and regurgitation. I see the slow disappearance of exploratory science, art, music, and physical activity. I see a society that forces the issue of college, and thinks that learning can only take place between four walls, and that an educated person is someone whose intelligence can be measured by standarized tests. I see a lot of problems. But the biggest problem of all is that we are thinking of knowledge and education in all the wrong ways.

Think about it…and tell me what you think…the more thinking going on in this world, the better!

Aliens Invading my Dreams

So, I told you that I would tell you about my dreams sometime. Well, I have one that is worth telling. So relax, get comfortable, and let your imagination out for some playtime.

   I dreamt about an alien invasion.

Now, before you start yawning, let me tell you, it wasn’t your average, run of the mill invasion. There weren’t little green men shooting up the joint with laser guns. Nor were there massive doomsday spaceships blowing up every metropolis on Earth. In fact, there really wasn’t any violence involved. No, the aliens used hypnosis to turn everyone into slaves. Imagine that! I always thought the scariest, creepiest movies are not the ones that use blood and gore like it’s going out of style, but the ones that sneak into your subconscious, mess with your mind, and play on fears you didn’t even know you had.Same goes for nightmares.

The funniest thing about my dream was the alien's method of hypnosis. It involved a video a la “The Ring”. If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s basically about a video you don’t want to watch or you’re dead. Anyway, in my dream, people would become hypnotized after watching the video, and then they would play the video for everyone around them, and one by one, people fell under alien control. And when their minds had been seized, their bodies would shake so rapidly that they looked like a blurry photographic version of themselves. If you’re a True Blood fan, think of the maenad Maryann and how she moved when she was casting her spell on the people of Bon Temps. If you haven't seen it, YouTube it. It will trip you out! (It's a blog, I can say "trip out")

Well, I knew what was up and was able to turn away when my sister tried to make me watch that video. I told her I loved her, grabbed my purse,(really?!?) and ran out of the house we were in. I was heartbroken that the aliens had gotten to her and I began to cry. Suddenly, a man and his young son walked up, wanting to visit with my sister. I warned him that she wasn’t herself anymore and he shouldn’t watch the video. He looked just as heartbroken as I felt but there was no time to for a therapy session because my dream morphed and I was standing in a field surrounded by hills. I had a memory of the hills being covered in thick green trees and tall grass. But the hills weren’t green anymore; there wasn't a single tree or blade of grass, just dirt as far as I could see. Were the aliens preparing the land for their own version of tract housing? Oh, the horror!

Obviously I’m kidding about that last part. I live in tract housing! You should know by now that I’m just a bit on the sarcastic side. Anyway, that’s about all I can recall and all I can fit in a blog. Perhaps someday I can collaborate with a filmmaker and give you some idea of what all my strange dreams look like.

So, it’s apparent that maybe I watch a bit too much television and have a completely overactive imagination. And when I thought about the empty hills, I remember it looking  similar to an area near my house where grading is in process for new housing. I know I was surprised by this because: 1. Why is anyone building right now? We’re in a recession! and 2. I live near a beautiful nature preserve and I didn’t think they would encroach further into the canyon area. I guess that was on my mind. And yes, I do think about alien invasions on a regular basis. Call me paranoid, but I believe we are ignorant to think we are the only advanced (?) beings in this vast universe. Who knows, maybe we’re being watched right now. Maybe those aliens are waiting for just the right moment to sneak up on us and turn us all into mindless slaves! Maybe it won’t be all out war, but a slow, methodical process. Maybe it’s already been set in motion and we don’t even realize it! Could there be some mind numbing video floating around out there, just waiting to turn us into zombies? Thank God I never rented Gigli!

All joking aside, I do think there is a possibility it will be as T.S. Eliot said

 “This is how the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.”

I don’t mean to frighten you or create panic in the streets. We all know there will be an end and it should never keep us from enjoying the now. Nightmares should not make you never want to dream. And movies and television should not interfere with your reality. I just like to give you something to think about and get the wheels in your imagination turning.

Here's a eerie video from one of my favorite bands. Sweet dreams...

Looking Back

My husband and I were doing some spring cleaning. Yes, I know, it’s almost the end of summer. Better late than never I always say, maybe because I’m always late. Anyway, we opened up the cave under the stairs in order to stuff some rarely used junk in there, and my husband came upon a cardboard box. He handed it to me to figure out what was in it and if it was necessary to have it take up precious storage space. I slowly pulled back the packing tape, half expecting some giant spider to jump out and bite my face. But when I peeked inside, it wasn’t cobwebs and arachnids that I found, but memories.

This box was really all I had left of my youth. I moved away from home at 18. My mother moved away a few years later and unfortunately, whatever I left behind got tossed. Not her fault really. She had some people living in the house at the time, and they did some purging before they left. But I digress. So, inside this box were some old report cards, awards, trophies, and letters and notes. I pulled everything out and suddenly, nostalgia grabbed my hand and took me for a stroll down memory lane. Well, maybe it was more like the Ghost of Christmas Past pushing me into the ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’.

As I looked at my report cards, CTBS test results, and scholarly awards, I exclaimed, “I was smart back then!”

My husband responded, “You don’t lose it, you’re still smart.”

So, what happened between then and now? Well, as I looked at the report cards from my later years in high school, I remembered. I lost my way, as many teenagers do. I wasn’t sure who I was or if I belonged or what I really wanted in life. I was confused and a mess emotionally. Instead of focusing on school work and my future, I got lost in my own head. Then came the partying. And it was all downhill from there. My straight A’s turned to B’s then C’s and yes, there were a couple of D’s and yikes, an F. Now, I wonder what would have happened if I had remained on the straight and narrow. Perhaps I would have attended UCSD and gotten that double major in Psychology and Drama. (I know, strange combo right?)

As I pondered what my future would have been like had I graduated with honors and been accepted to a prestigious university, I began to read the letters and cards from old friends and admirers. Some made me smile, some made me sad, but they all made me realize a few things. At the time, I always felt alone and unloved. I felt like an outsider. But reading those old notes, I see now that I wasn’t alone and that people did care about me. I also realized that I was so wrapped up in myself, that I couldn’t see the love, pain, passion, anger, and beauty in the people around me. I wish I could tell everyone that I’m sorry if I hurt them or pushed them away. I wish I could thank everyone for their friendship, for their love, for being a part of my life. I wish I knew then what I know now. But hindsight is always 20/20 right?

So, here I am. I can’t go back. I can’t unsay the things I shouldn’t have said or say the things I should have. I can’t undo the things I shouldn’t have done or do the things I should have. And if I keep looking back, I’ll run into a wall. No, I won’t live with regret and sorrow. I won’t let the past keep me from enjoying  the present. I know that as humans, we all make mistakes. All we can do is learn from them. And our mistakes help shape who we are.

They say everything happens for a reason. I may not have a degree (yet). I may not be voted Most Successful at my next class reunion. I may have had a lot of people walk out of my life. But I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son and they both think I’m smart. Some of those notes I found were from friends who are still in my life, who still love me for the crazy person I am. I am working towards a degree that is better suited for my personality. I have had many great experiences, and met many great people . In short, I am happy with the way things turned out. I am happy that life has twists and turns and ups and downs and that I got to experience it all. The unpredictability of life is part of its beauty, and never really knowing what will happen makes us appreciate every moment.

So, it just wouldn’t be my blog if I didn't throw in a song so here you are...

Irresistible Immortals

I was so excited to finally be able to watch True Blood season 3 via the little red envelope. I know, I know- I’m just a little behind. Unfortunately, HBO is not included in my current austerity program. Anyhow, as I was watching the trials and tribulations of Ms. Sookie Stackhouse, I began to wonder what it is about vampire movies and shows that appeals to such a large audience. Well, my restless brain began to process this question and here is what I concluded:

Shall we begin with the obvious? In many modern movies and television shows, vampires are beautiful! I mean, if I was Sookie Stackhouse, I would have a difficult time choosing between Bill and Eric. And who could forget Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas in “Interview With A Vampire”? But it isn’t just the males that are drop dead gorgeous (pun intended). Think about Kate Beckinsale rocking the tight leather in “Underworld”. How about the scene in Dracula when Keanu Reeves’ character was fed on by Dracula’s very sexy vampire brides? Don’t forget Salma Hayek’s tantalizing dance in “From Dusk Till Dawn”.  I could go on but you get it.

Beyond the physical attraction, many of the vampire characters are charming and intellectual. Of course, they’re trying to charm you and outwit you in order to drink your blood, but nonetheless, it’s a welcome change from the usual. Generally, the vampires are centuries old and come from a time when chivalry and the poetic use of language were still very much alive. Their impossible age also makes them “mature”, having already experienced and learned more than any mortal could imagine. Charming, intelligent, deep, no desire to play all the silly games humans play. Sounds like a fantasy, doesn’t it?!?

Now, I can sense some guys are rolling their eyes. But hold on just a second there gentlemen. You like sexy, smart, charming women, don’t you? And these female vampires are usually strong, independent, and not prone to the emotional up and downs that human women are subject to, and on top of that, they are sexual in nature. Wow! And for the women in the audience, think about how the male vampires (the good ones anyway) are strong but sensitive, handsome but not self absorbed, sexual but romantic. They are dark, brooding, and conflicted like some of the rock stars women swoon over. Minus the drug and alcohol problems. It’s the bad boy we all want but the bad boy who loves like an epic poem, and who isn’t afraid of forever. Plus, they don’t go around burping or farting or ogling other women-unless of course, they’re hungry. In short, the vampires are often portrayed as the ideal lover.

Last but not least, vampires are immortal. They don’t age and they don’t die-not easily anyway. As humans, we are on a never-ending quest for immortality. We don’t want to grow old and fall apart. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand the thought of having to wear diapers again. And death, well, who really wants to die? We fear the unknown and what really happens after death is unknown to us. But a vampire, they can be young forever. Not only can they be young forever, they can be young and invincible forever. They have superhuman strength and speed. They can fly. They can smell your blood from a mile away. They can sometimes read your thoughts, or hypnotize you. They don’t have to deal with acne, heartburn, arthritis, or any mortal diseases. And they can offer us the same if we so desire.

Now, there are hundreds of vampire films-I haven’t seen them all-and the characters in these films don’t always fit these descriptions. Some vampires onscreen are downright hideous and some are so evil, they give the devil a run for his money. Not all vampires can be Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore or Selene. But you catch my drift.

Maybe you rent a couple of vampire flicks and tell me what you think. Here are a few of my faves, in no particular order:

1. Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Don’t mind Keanu   Reeves' less than stellar performance.
2. Lost Boys. The 80’s looked good on vampires!
3. Interview With A Vampire. I read the whole series by Anne Rice, it's excellent!
4. Underworld. Kate Beckinsale is hot! 
5. True Blood. (I know, TV show but I’m addicted and you might be too!)
6. Let The Right One In. Ok, no eye candy but certainly creepy and a great vampire film.

Music, 'The Middle', Myself

So, I think I’ve dropped enough hints, but in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m BIG INTO MUSIC! (But I thought you were big into movies?) Yah, I pretty much enjoy all creative endeavors. Perhaps it is because I’m what some people would call the ‘imaginative, artistic type’, or because I’m a very sensitive, highly emotional person or because I’m a dreamer. Whatever it is, I actually feel music. It’s as though the notes are hands that reach out and touch me. Sometimes it’s a gentle caress, sometimes it’s a violent shake. And it isn’t just the music that gets me; it’s the lyrics, too. I am big on lyrics, and sometimes I hear a song that I swear was written for me and my heart flutters and I get chills up and down my spine. There are so many songs that I connect with and could write about that I have blog material for a lifetime. But there is one song I’ve had in my head lately. That song is “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World.

Let me start by giving you the first part of the song:

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet

It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on

Just try your best, try everything you can

And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

Yes, at one point I was ready to write myself off because I felt left out and looked down on and worried about what people said when I left the room. See, I grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody and gossiping is the number one hobby. Unfortunately, I obtained an unflattering reputation at an early age. It seems a pretty common thing for girls to get branded for no good reason, especially if they develop early and prefer hanging out with boys. There comes a point when people stop seeing you as tomboy and start seeing you as a flirt. Anyway, for that and for a myriad of other reasons, I always kind of felt like I didn’t belong, like I was an outsider. All I wanted to do was get away, but I didn’t have a choice as to my city of residence. So, I decided to give the town the middle finger by acting like I didn’t care what anyone thought and doing crazy things. Problem was, I did care, and I wanted to be accepted for who I was, and acting like I didn’t care only made me more of an outsider.

It just takes some time

Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride

Everything, everything will be just fine

Everything, everything will be alright, alright

I was a little girl, confused and misguided, in the middle of the crazy ride that is life. But everything did turn out just fine. Fortunately, I did have some friends who loved me for me, even if they didn’t always understand or approve of all the crazy, stupid things I did. The thing was, they didn’t judge me, I didn’t judge them and that is what love and friendship are all about.

When I was old enough, I moved away from that small town and those disapproving looks and salacious rumors.  I’m not saying that all small towns are full of small minds. No, I understand now that gossiping and judgment are just a part of human nature.  When you think about it, the folklore and legends of past civilizations are essentially gossip. And we have to make judgments all the time in order to survive. I also understand that when we are teenagers, we are in the middle of a very scary ride, trying to hold one. We are discovering who we are, who we want to be. We are all confused and searching for acceptance and we don’t always say or do the right things and we often hurt other people in the process. I now see that self-righteous indignation is no better than hypocritical judgment.

Hey, you know they’re all the same

You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in

Live right now, yeah, just be yourself

It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.

Be yourself, live for yourself, love yourself. Don’t get caught up in what other people think or say or do. Words we should all live by.

Black Swan Balancing Act

In case we haven’t established this little fact yet, here it is. I’M BIG INTO MOVIES! Yes, I’m known for spouting off lines from the multitude of films I have seen and my husband calls me the Dennis Miller of obscure movie references. I love movies, perhaps because I’m an imagination dweller and I like to escape the real world as often as I can. Don’t worry; I maintain a loose grip on reality. Anyway, I have a tendency to gravitate towards strange, dark, mind-scrambling types of movies. (I have a dark side and I’ve embraced that) And there are certain directors who know how to push me down the rabbit hole. Darren Aronofsky is one of them.

Aronofsky directed Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, and the lesser known Pi. If you are familiar with those films, then you know how Aronofsky blurs the line between real and imagined. That is exactly why I knew I had to watch his latest film, the Academy Award nominated Black Swan.

Again, I don’t like to give away a movie. I sometimes beg people to tell me what happened in a film I haven’t seen, but the truth is that deep down inside, I don’t want them to tell me. It’s just that I have this love/hate relationship with suspense. Maybe we all do. We want to be surprised, we want to be thrilled, but we don’t want to be snuck up on. So, that being said, I will not tell you “what’s in the boooooxxxx”.  Did you get that reference? I will only tell you about what the movie made me think about.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the ballet Swan Lake, it is about a princess who is cursed to take the form of a swan by day. A prince happens upon the swan maiden and falls in love with her, but before he can proclaim his eternal love and devotion, which would break the spell, the sorcerer who cast the spell appears and the prince returns to his castle. There is a ball (what is the obsession with balls?) and the sorcerer sends his daughter, disguised as the princess, only she is in black. The prince, not knowing the truth until too late, swears his love for the “black swan”, and the princess (the white swan) is doomed to remain a swan forever. Before I lose all the guys in the audience, let’s move along.

Good vs. Evil. It’s an age old battle that rages on in most movies. But Aronofsky puts a little twist on it. Nina, the dancer portrayed by Natalie Portman, must play both the white swan and the black swan, but her personality is much more suited to the white swan. A competing ballerina (Mila Kunis) has the personality to portray the black swan perfectly. So, in order for Nina to take on the role she so desires, she must allow herself to let go and become the black swan.

I believe that we are all like Nina, trying to find the balance between light and dark, trying to let go without losing our minds. We are all seeking the harmony of yin and yang. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean there is a Manson lurking around in all of us and we should let him out. No, that is evil. I mean we have to embrace all that we are, and all that others are, dark and light. And sometimes, we have to let go in order to find the balance.

No one is all white or black; rather we are all varying shades of grey. If we try to be only light or only dark, we upset the balance within ourselves. If you suppress your emotions-your anger, your pain, your heartache, your passion-you will find they grow more violent and will tear you apart trying to escape. You will find that you are not running away from them, but they are running away with you. If you try to be completely light, to be perfect, you will lose yourself, because you are not perfect, no one is, and we weren’t meant to be. On the other hand, if you go to the dark side (snuck another one in), you’ll lose yourself as well, only this time you’ll be lost in a deep, dark tunnel and there will be no light at the end, no arms to welcome you. You will not see the beauty in yourself, in others, in life. You will become lonely, angry, and this could lead you to hurt yourself or others.

I’m not a psychologist nor will I pretend to understand all the workings of the human mind. All I am saying is to embrace your light and dark sides, know yourself, and find that balance. 

Now, If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go watch a comedy. 

On Poetry, Persistence, and Potholes

We all have dreams. I’m not talking about the strange movies that play in our minds while we sleep. I’ll save that for another day or two or three (you wouldn’t believe the dreams I have). No, I’m talking about the desires we carry deep in our hearts. I’m talking about that which drives us, that which keeps us going when all we want to do is lie down and go to sleep because at least anything is possible in our nighttime visions.

Some people dream of becoming rich and famous via film or music or sports. Some dream about getting a degree from an ivy league school and becoming CEO of some mega corporation. Others dream of owning their own business, buying a home, and having a family. It doesn’t matter what your dreams are, whether big or small, lofty or easily attainable. All that matters is that you have them and you work to make them come true.

Of course, dreaming is easy. Making those dreams come true is not. And often times, the road to your dream is full of potholes just waiting to eat your tire. And there is no AAA on the road to your dreams. You have to change that flat tire yourself…in the pouring rain…or blistering heat. And sometimes it would be easier to just sit in your car. But then you’re not going anywhere, you’re stuck.

Well, I have a few dreams of my own. One has always been to have my poetry published. I have been writing poetry since I was in the sixth grade. Now, I wouldn’t want anyone to read what I wrote back then. But I believe I’m come a long way from my roses are red, violets are blue phase.

So, I finally decided to submit some poetry.

What they said -“Thank you for your participation….”

What I heard – “It’s not you, it’s me…”

Rejection! Pothole! Flat Tire! Pouring Rain!

I knew I might be rejected. That’s part of life, that’s part of trying. But no matter how they nicely they say it, no matter how I prepare myself for it, it still hurts. When someone tells you that you aren’t what they are looking for, whether it be a date or a company or a talent scout or a school or a literary magazine, it feels like you were driving a rusty old Pinto on your dream road and it broke down, and that guy or girl you've been obsessing about just passed by in a Ferrari Enzo on their way to meet your arch enemy for a lobster dinner. It blows like the tires on your Pinto!

But I know I can’t stop dreaming. I can’t sit in my broken Pinto crying and complaining about how life isn’t fair. I can’t start thinking that maybe I’m not good enough, that my writing is horrible and no one will ever want to publish it. I can’t allow myself to get stuck. 

Everyone gets rejected. Everyone experiences loss. It’s how you deal with it that matters. It’s learning from it and moving on. It’s persistence and perseverance. There is a long list of celebrities and artists who toiled in obscurity before getting their big break. In his book, “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft”, Stephen King describes how he amassed a large collection of rejection slips, but he kept writing and look where he is now. And think about all the modern conveniences we enjoy because people didn’t give up trying. Can you imagine what the world would be like if the Wright Brothers gave up after their first attempt at flying? And hey, the Dallas Mavericks just won the NBA championship. What if they gave up after losing to Miami the first time?

What I’m saying is that I will not give up, ever, no matter how many Dear Jane letters I receive. I’ll keep writing and maybe someday you’ll all be reading my book of poetry, number one on the best seller list.