Teaching the Wrong Lesson

When I was young and living on my own, I worked at an electronics superstore in order to pay for my barely furnished one-room apartment and steady diet of top ramen. For those of you who have worked in retail, you understand such jobs are generally less than satisfying. And you know that sometimes customers can be rude, even downright hostile. I had my share of such customers. When I worked in the customer relations department and had to answer the phone, I had a guy threaten to come down to the store to shoot me and everyone else, simply because he didn't receive the answer he was looking for. It's difficult to fathom how someone could become so violently angry over computer parts.

But that's not what I want to share with you. There was another incident with a rude customer that is burned in my memory. It actually had nothing to do with me, but it hurt me far worse than being threatened by a faceless voice on the line.

The cashier working next to me was having a difficult time dealing with a customer. I don't even remember what the customer was upset about. It was probably a wrong price (that happened often), or it had to do with the company policy of verifying accounts on large purchases. This process was slow and cumbersome, and I completely understood when customers became impatient. 

So, this customer was upset and took it out on the poor cashier who had no power to change the company policies. I can understand venting your frustration. But this customer was directing his frustrations at the cashier, not the policy. He was rude and insulting.

The cashier finally went in search of a supervisor as the customer demanded. It was then the young son of the customer looked up at his father and asked:

"Daddy, why are you being so mean to that person?"

And his father's reply:

"Because sometimes you have to be mean to get what you want."

Oh, how my heart hurt for that little boy. And for his father. 

Now, I understand the need to defend oneself. To speak up and speak out. To fight for what you want and need. Sometimes, you need to be firm. But that is completely different than bullying people. And that is essentially what this man was teaching his son. He was teaching him to be a bully. He was teaching him that it is acceptable to yell and insult and be rude to get what you want. 

I wonder if that boy grew up to be just like his father. I wonder if he taught his own children that same lesson. I wonder how often the same lesson is taught in homes across the country, across the globe. I wonder if that is why the news is constantly filled with tragedy. Why people pick up guns and shoot innocent strangers. Why people vent their frustrations through violent acts. Why people can't just agree to disagree or simply talk things out. 

I understand that humans can be violent creatures. We are wired to survive. And the fight for survival can be ugly and violent. But getting what you want at a retail store is not survival. Proving your political or religious beliefs are right and better than others is not survival. Hurting or killing innocent people because you didn't get exactly what you want or your life isn't going as planned or your marriage fell apart or you lost your job or someone insulted you is not survival.

You might be thinking "Wow, that escalated quickly. How do you relate teaching kids to be mean to get what they want and mass shootings?" And I wouldn't disagree it's quite an extrapolation. But it's not difficult for troubled minds to leap from bullying to more egregious acts of violence. It's not difficult for troubled minds to turn "sometimes you have to be mean to get what you want," into something darker and more dangerous.

I know, it's not as simple as people being taught to be cruel. I know there are significant mental health issues involved. I know there are significant gun issues involved. And there is no easy answer to any of it.

Yes, there is a primal violence within us. But we have brains and hearts. We can rise above those violent tendencies. We can be good people. We can treat each other with love and dignity and respect. And that is what we should be teaching our children. To be kind to each other. Not just to get what they want, but to give what the world needs:

Love. Understanding. Kindness. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Patience. Friendship.

The world desperately needs more of all of it. Now.

When There is No One Left

For months I've been contemplating the political and emotional state of this country. It seems that as a nation, we are more divided than we've been in a very long time. Though it is disheartening, it is not surprising. Throughout history, civilizations have come and gone, risen and fallen. Civil wars, uprisings, revolutions, they're nothing new. 

What really hurts me is that after having come so far and overcome so much, we are now falling backwards. 

We are all different. We have different lives. We have different ideas. And it's coming together to share our thoughts, feelings and experiences that enlightens us all.

But we can't seem to do that anymore. We can't share and learn from each other. We can't empathize or sympathize. We refuse to take a step, let alone walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

People can't even disagree anymore. People can't even have civilized debates. People argue and fight. People attack their opponent instead of the issue. People hate anyone who thinks or feels differently than they do. 

I know the reality is that this is nothing new. Humans have been, and will always be a violent species. Maybe there are just more cameras to record these incidents. But it seems to me, that people aren't expressing their grief, anger, resentment, and dissidence through the right channels. People are picking up guns and knives. People are creating bombs. People are running people over. 

You don't agree with me? I'll beat you.

You don't look like me? I'll stab you.

You don't pray like me? I'll run you over.

You don't love like me? I'll shoot you.

Why? Why is there so much hate in this country, in this world? We fought so long for equality and civil rights and the protection of each individual's freedom. And yet, we behave like wild animals. And considering some of the things people do to each other, that's an insult to wild animals.

And you can't get away from it. Even social media is filled with vitriol. People say such awful, demeaning, and insulting things to others. I know, people have always said awful, demeaning, and insulting things to each other. But I can't believe how low people stoop. Maybe social media offers anonymity. And maybe bullies are most bold when they're not standing face-to-face with their victim.

I feel like I've touched on the subjects of prejudice and racism and hate more than I should have. But we continue to spiral downwards. We continue to hurt each other. So, I can't stop talking about it. I can't ignore it. 

After the events that took place over the weekend, I'm even more heartbroken about what is happening to this country. There should be no place for hate or racism in this country, or in this world. An innocent person should not be murdered because they choose to stand against hate and racism. 

We can continue to tear each other down. We can continue to hurt and kill each other. We can go to war with each other. We can set fire to our higher selves, watch our humanity reduced to ashes. And then maybe there will be peace. When there is no one left to hate. When there is no one left to fight with. When there is not one human being left on this earth. 

In the End

This is poem I wrote after learning that Linkin Park frontman, Chester Bennington, had committed suicide. May he rest in peace.

In the End

"It doesn't even matter,"
I heard you scream.
But it did matter, 
that you had to fall
into the hole 
at the edge of your heart-
the black hole 
that always threatened
to swallow your entire universe.
Every painful memory,
every tortured why?
pulling and stretching
and taking you to a place
where infinite beauty and
infinite sorrow collide.
In the end, you could not see, 
that for you the stars did shine.
In the end, you could not hear
the supernova in your own voice.
In the end, it did matter.
You mattered.
You mattered.
You always mattered.

A Poem for What Remains of National Poetry Month

Well, I couldn't just let National Poetry Month end without posting a poem!

What Remains

Like wanton lovers, the days come to me
dressed in dreams and perfumed with possibilities,
whispering of all that could be,
hypnotizing me with their seductive songs
so that I can't see where I'm headed,
so that I can't see I'm always falling.
But when the sun sets, they disappear
without a word, without looking back.
And I clutch at them, begging for more.
And I reach for them as they float away,
the remains littering the landscape of my life-
each torn and tattered piece reminding me
of all my faults and failures,
of all that I am and all that I am not. 
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
spent looking towards the future.
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
spent without fear and doubt.
I wrap myself in the memories of moments
that never existed except in my dreams.
Time waits for no one, but teases everyone.

Fear the Nocturnal Animals

I recently watched the movie, Nocturnal Animals. I followed that up with the season finale of The Walking Dead. I don't know why, but I have a fascination with all things dark and morbid. 

While I would recommend watching both, I wouldn't recommend watching both back to back as I did. Maybe throw a Will Ferrell movie in between, you know, cleanse the mental/emotional palate. Unless, of course, you're a glutton for punishment like me.

Anyway, watching these got my brain on wheels rolling down a dark highway. Much like the characters in Nocturnal Animals. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but I'm warning you, I will have to give a few details.

So, this family in Nocturnal Animals is traveling down a deserted highway at night. (Why?!?!??! At night, in the middle of nowhere?!?!) When they finally come upon another car, it's occupied by a group of shady characters. These men harass the family and eventually force them off the road and subsequently kidnap the wife and daughter.

As you can imagine, nothing good follows. 

Watching this not only got my brain rolling, but it also got my blood boiling. I kept questioning why the father let things happen. Why did he let those guys run him off the road? Why didn't he fight? Why didn't he try harder to stop those men from taking his wife and daughter? Why weren't his wife and daughter armed with knives or pepper spray or something? I was seriously pissed off. I kept thinking about what I would have done differently in that situation. I kept thinking about what I would have done to those guys. I kept thinking about how I would have fought tooth and nail.

Now, I train in martial arts, so part of me is always on high alert and always thinking about what I would need to do to protect myself and my family. I think everyone should train in martial arts. But that's another conversation.

So, after that brutal film, I watched the season finale of the Walking Dead. Again, bad guys doing bad things to people. Again, I was pissed off. Again, I was thinking about what I would do. What I would need to do. In the show, people acted to save others. They fought. They made difficult decisions. And one even sacrificed herself.

Let's step into the real world now. Think about when you see/hear/read tragic news stories. Often times, people react to these stories by questioning the actions or inaction of those involved, including the victims. People will say things like "what were they thinking," or "why were they doing this or that," or "why were they in that place," or "why didn't they just..." or "I would have..." 

It's easy to watch shows and movies and think you know what should or could be done in a given situation. It's easy to watch or read the news and make assumptions. It's easy to question the actions of others. It's easy when you're on the outside looking in. And hindsight is 20/20. But, unless you are in that situation, how do you really know? 

I asked myself that. How do I really know? Because you can't unless and until you're in that situation. Of course, you can train and prepare. But can you really train and prepare for every possible situation? And, does training and preparing guarantee you'll be ready when the time comes? 

I asked myself if I would truly be able to fight. If I would be able to smother the rising fear and panic. If I would be able to act swiftly and efficiently. If I would have the mental/emotional/physical strength to act. I like to think I would. 

I also asked myself if I would have the courage to risk my own life. If I would be brave enough to sacrifice myself for the safety of my family. Would I be able to disregard my instinct for self-preservation?
Or would I be weak? Would fear take hold of me and render me useless? Would I make mistakes that would have tragic consequences? Would I fail to keep my family safe? Again, I like to think I would.

I also thought about some of the stupid/risky/dangerous things I've done in my life. I think about some of the mistakes I've made. How I failed to think about the possible consequences of my actions. How easy it was to put myself in a bad situation. How lucky I was. Because many of us don't often think about the dangers lurking around every corner. Or the predator lurking around every corner. Or how quickly something bad can happen. 

I would like to think I'll know just what to do if the time comes. But I really won't know until that time comes. Until I am tested. Until my feet are held to the fire. Until a knife or gun is pointed at me. Until someone tries to run me off the road and take my family. I can think about it. I can talk about it. I can even train for it. But it's what I actually do in that moment that counts.

So maybe I shouldn't be so quick to think I would act differently, or do better than someone else in a given situation. We all experience fear and momentary weakness. We all make mistakes. 

And we are all trying to do the best that we can. We are all just trying to survive in this crazy world. 

Something to think about.


Also, think about training. Give yourself a fighting chance.

THE END

It's been a while since I've written, so I thought I would check in. Didn't want you to think that my brain on wheels just wandered off the face of the earth. I'll keep it short and sweet today. Well, maybe not so sweet. Here is a poem I wrote.

The End 

I sometimes dream the banality of life is disrupted

by some unprecedented cataclysmic force,

and the world is thrown into complete disorder

as panic wipes the spurious smiles off painted faces,

and melts the glaciers covering dispassionate souls,

and the rat maze of office buildings and shopping malls

and track houses is left entirely in ruins.

After the destruction follows a peaceful emptiness

and a beautiful silence that will inevitably be shattered

by the insistent screaming of my alarm clock.

TALKING WITHOUT LISTENING

"When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

                                -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

If you've been following me, you know that I have a degree in Interior Design, but have not been able to establish a career in the field. You also know that I love to write. For a while now, I've been thinking that writing is the path I should have taken all along. And since they say it's never too late, I decided to return to school to study writing. Yay me!

I started with a class in journalism. One of the assignments for this class was to interview a person about his or her profession.

Stay with me, because I'm not here to tell you about journalism or someone's profession.

What I actually wanted to write about, was what I learned from the interviewing experience.

Most of the time, when we talk to people, the discussion is a little about them, a little about ourselves. When you interview someone, the focus is entirely on them. You want to know who they are, what they think, or what they feel. You want to know about their life or experiences. Sure, there is still some give and take. Even though it's mainly questions and answers, there is still discussion. But for the most part, you're really trying to get that person to open up.

The person I chose to interview for my assignment is a friend. I chose her because I thought she had an interesting profession and was curious about her thoughts and feelings on the subject.  I know some of you might assume that because she is my friend, I wouldn't really learn anything new. But I did. That's the thing about interviewing someone versus talking to them. You shut up and listen.

You don't interrupt to say what you want to say on the subject. You don't eagerly await for your turn to start talking. You don't think about what you want to say as they're talking. You don't relate their story or feelings to your own and say "well, when that happened to me, I..." or  "this is what I think," or this is what I feel." For a short period of time, you focus on someone  other than yourself.

We're all guilty of interrupting, interjecting, or redirecting the conversation back to ourselves. We can't help it. We're selfish creatures, and we want to talk about ourselves. But it's amazing what you learn when you close your mouth and open your ears.

I did learn a lot from my friend that day. Not just about her profession, but about her, too. And I've been friends with her for some years now. The other cool thing about it, is she said she learned some things about herself, too.

I'm not saying you should interview all the people in your life. What I'm saying is you should listen to them, get to know them. Ask them what they're thinking, how they're feeling, how their day went. And then really listen to their answers. If it seems like there is more to the story, ask them more questions. I don't mean pester them if they don't want to talk. Just be open. Be present. You'll really get to know people that way.

You might think you know all there is to know about your family or partner or spouse. But you might be surprised at what you don't know. And if all you do when you spend time with them is talk about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings , or your experiences, then you may never solve some of the wonderful mysteries of their souls. Don't wait until they're old or dying. Don't wait until you're old or dying. Don't regret not asking those questions. Don't regret not taking the time to listen. Once they've gone silent, that's it. And the silence can be deafening.

New Year, New You?

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world...as in being able to remake ourselves."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday season. I certainly did. And now begins a period of mourning as I say goodbye to my vacation.

Sigh. 

Ok, enough of that. I can't start out the new year with such negativity. That is definitely something I will continue to work on. Staying positive. 

But no, I won't make that a New Year's resolution.

In fact, I am not making any New Year's resolutions. Not because I am lazy or unmotivated. But I just don't think making resolutions is the way to go. You don't wake up on the first day of the new year and suddenly change your mindset or behavior. Change is a process. Evolution is a process. And it can be a slow one at that. 

That being said, I do have goals that I am working towards and will continue to work towards. I will continue to evolve. That is what we hope to do as humans - to evolve over our lifetimes. 

I train in martial arts, and before every class, we get down on one knee, bow our heads, and say a personal prayer. Each time, I ask God to help me become a better person, to conduct myself with dignity and honor, and to show love and respect to others. I also ask for guidance in being a good wife and mother, teacher and student. This is a lifelong goal for me. To become the best person I can be.

I think we are all trying to become the best people we can be. Our entire lives we strive to be better. It isn't a quick or simple process. And much of this process is two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes we stumble and fall. That is when we have to get up, dust ourselves off, and move on. We change and then change again. Or we're forced to change. Either our thinking or behavior. Or our environment. Or our job. Or the people we keep close. Sometimes everything and everyone around us changes and we have to adapt. Change really is the only constant in life.

I know I've come a long way in my personal evolution. But I still have far to go. I continue to make mistakes. I still overindulge in food and drink and self-pity at times. I sometimes hurt and disappoint those I love and care for. I am still slightly disorganized and forgetful, and can be irresponsible with my time and money. I'm still not where I want to be professionally. 

I don't expect to ever be perfect. But I know that I can be better. I want to be better. And I'll keep trying to be better. I'll keep learning and growing and adapting. 

I also know all of you are trying to better. (Well, most of you anyway) I know all of you have your own personal struggles and occasionally stumble on your path to becoming a better human being. Maybe you've already written a list of New Year's resolutions and you're determined to keep them. I'm not saying you should crumple up that paper and toss it, along with your intentions, in the trash. No, you should set goals. You should work towards improving yourselves and your lives. Just remember that like change, failure is a part of life. It is a part of learning and growing. We all stumble. We all fall. So if you don't lose those ten pounds or organize that closet in the next few weeks, it's not the end of the world. Forgive yourself, face the problem, figure out what happened, and then move on. And remember everyone else is trying, too. Be forgiving with others as they try to evolve.

Despite anecdotes of overnight success (think J.K. Rowling), there is no such thing as overnight success. People who became successful had to work hard to get where they are. And they had to put a lot of time into their work. Hard work. Dedication. Patience. The ability to get past mistakes and failures, and keep trying. That is what we all need on our path to improvement. That and a little bit of love. Love for ourselves and love for others.

I wish you all the best in the New Year, and on your own evolutionary path.