THE END

It's been a while since I've written, so I thought I would check in. Didn't want you to think that my brain on wheels just wandered off the face of the earth. I'll keep it short and sweet today. Well, maybe not so sweet. Here is a poem I wrote.

The End 

I sometimes dream the banality of life is disrupted

by some unprecedented cataclysmic force,

and the world is thrown into complete disorder

as panic wipes the spurious smiles off painted faces,

and melts the glaciers covering dispassionate souls,

and the rat maze of office buildings and shopping malls

and track houses is left entirely in ruins.

After the destruction follows a peaceful emptiness

and a beautiful silence that will inevitably be shattered

by the insistent screaming of my alarm clock.

TALKING WITHOUT LISTENING

"When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

                                -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

If you've been following me, you know that I have a degree in Interior Design, but have not been able to establish a career in the field. You also know that I love to write. For a while now, I've been thinking that writing is the path I should have taken all along. And since they say it's never too late, I decided to return to school to study writing. Yay me!

I started with a class in journalism. One of the assignments for this class was to interview a person about his or her profession.

Stay with me, because I'm not here to tell you about journalism or someone's profession.

What I actually wanted to write about, was what I learned from the interviewing experience.

Most of the time, when we talk to people, the discussion is a little about them, a little about ourselves. When you interview someone, the focus is entirely on them. You want to know who they are, what they think, or what they feel. You want to know about their life or experiences. Sure, there is still some give and take. Even though it's mainly questions and answers, there is still discussion. But for the most part, you're really trying to get that person to open up.

The person I chose to interview for my assignment is a friend. I chose her because I thought she had an interesting profession and was curious about her thoughts and feelings on the subject.  I know some of you might assume that because she is my friend, I wouldn't really learn anything new. But I did. That's the thing about interviewing someone versus talking to them. You shut up and listen.

You don't interrupt to say what you want to say on the subject. You don't eagerly await for your turn to start talking. You don't think about what you want to say as they're talking. You don't relate their story or feelings to your own and say "well, when that happened to me, I..." or  "this is what I think," or this is what I feel." For a short period of time, you focus on someone  other than yourself.

We're all guilty of interrupting, interjecting, or redirecting the conversation back to ourselves. We can't help it. We're selfish creatures, and we want to talk about ourselves. But it's amazing what you learn when you close your mouth and open your ears.

I did learn a lot from my friend that day. Not just about her profession, but about her, too. And I've been friends with her for some years now. The other cool thing about it, is she said she learned some things about herself, too.

I'm not saying you should interview all the people in your life. What I'm saying is you should listen to them, get to know them. Ask them what they're thinking, how they're feeling, how their day went. And then really listen to their answers. If it seems like there is more to the story, ask them more questions. I don't mean pester them if they don't want to talk. Just be open. Be present. You'll really get to know people that way.

You might think you know all there is to know about your family or partner or spouse. But you might be surprised at what you don't know. And if all you do when you spend time with them is talk about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings , or your experiences, then you may never solve some of the wonderful mysteries of their souls. Don't wait until they're old or dying. Don't wait until you're old or dying. Don't regret not asking those questions. Don't regret not taking the time to listen. Once they've gone silent, that's it. And the silence can be deafening.

New Year, New You?

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world...as in being able to remake ourselves."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday season. I certainly did. And now begins a period of mourning as I say goodbye to my vacation.

Sigh. 

Ok, enough of that. I can't start out the new year with such negativity. That is definitely something I will continue to work on. Staying positive. 

But no, I won't make that a New Year's resolution.

In fact, I am not making any New Year's resolutions. Not because I am lazy or unmotivated. But I just don't think making resolutions is the way to go. You don't wake up on the first day of the new year and suddenly change your mindset or behavior. Change is a process. Evolution is a process. And it can be a slow one at that. 

That being said, I do have goals that I am working towards and will continue to work towards. I will continue to evolve. That is what we hope to do as humans - to evolve over our lifetimes. 

I train in martial arts, and before every class, we get down on one knee, bow our heads, and say a personal prayer. Each time, I ask God to help me become a better person, to conduct myself with dignity and honor, and to show love and respect to others. I also ask for guidance in being a good wife and mother, teacher and student. This is a lifelong goal for me. To become the best person I can be.

I think we are all trying to become the best people we can be. Our entire lives we strive to be better. It isn't a quick or simple process. And much of this process is two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes we stumble and fall. That is when we have to get up, dust ourselves off, and move on. We change and then change again. Or we're forced to change. Either our thinking or behavior. Or our environment. Or our job. Or the people we keep close. Sometimes everything and everyone around us changes and we have to adapt. Change really is the only constant in life.

I know I've come a long way in my personal evolution. But I still have far to go. I continue to make mistakes. I still overindulge in food and drink and self-pity at times. I sometimes hurt and disappoint those I love and care for. I am still slightly disorganized and forgetful, and can be irresponsible with my time and money. I'm still not where I want to be professionally. 

I don't expect to ever be perfect. But I know that I can be better. I want to be better. And I'll keep trying to be better. I'll keep learning and growing and adapting. 

I also know all of you are trying to better. (Well, most of you anyway) I know all of you have your own personal struggles and occasionally stumble on your path to becoming a better human being. Maybe you've already written a list of New Year's resolutions and you're determined to keep them. I'm not saying you should crumple up that paper and toss it, along with your intentions, in the trash. No, you should set goals. You should work towards improving yourselves and your lives. Just remember that like change, failure is a part of life. It is a part of learning and growing. We all stumble. We all fall. So if you don't lose those ten pounds or organize that closet in the next few weeks, it's not the end of the world. Forgive yourself, face the problem, figure out what happened, and then move on. And remember everyone else is trying, too. Be forgiving with others as they try to evolve.

Despite anecdotes of overnight success (think J.K. Rowling), there is no such thing as overnight success. People who became successful had to work hard to get where they are. And they had to put a lot of time into their work. Hard work. Dedication. Patience. The ability to get past mistakes and failures, and keep trying. That is what we all need on our path to improvement. That and a little bit of love. Love for ourselves and love for others.

I wish you all the best in the New Year, and on your own evolutionary path.

A House Divided Part II

The election is over. The results are in. And yet, there is no closure, no peace. We are still very much a nation divided. 

People are shocked, saddened, disappointed, and even angry about the results. I will admit that I am as well. I did not vote for him. I could not.

Now, I understand why the people chose him. Well, technically, the people chose someone else, but the electoral college system has been in place for a long time. We can't accept it when it goes in our favor,  and then complain when it doesn't.

The American people have been angry for a long time. The country is still trying to crawl out of the recession. Hard working men and women lost jobs or saw their savings dwindle. They became incensed with the banks and resentful of billionaire CEOs. And they blamed the government for not doing more to protect the average person from the wolves of Wall Street.

Maybe some of it was religiously motivated. Maybe a lot of people felt like this country has become too liberal. Maybe they wanted someone who would repeal Roe v. Wade. And here was this man who said women who have abortions should be punished. Perhaps there are many who were opposed to gay rights. And here was this man who said he was opposed to national marriage equality.

Another thing I hear all the time is how America has become "wussified." That we're all too sensitive and easily offended and self-entitled.  And here was this man who said whatever he wanted, no matter how offensive. 

People wanted, needed change. They wanted something, someone different. They didn't want another politician who would make empty promises all the while lining his or her pockets with special interest money. And along comes this so called "straight shooter" who seemed the embodiment of a great big middle finger to the establishment.

I wanted change as much as anyone else. But not change simply for change's sake. And although our president elect made a lot of promises, I never really heard him outline specific steps he would take to make the sweeping changes he promised. I didn't hear about actual, logistically sound solutions. Add to that some of the very disturbing things he said and I just could not vote for him. I could not vote for someone who I saw as a racist, misogynistic hate monger.

I know some of you don't agree with me. 

You believe he is a good man, that you have to "see through the weeds," as one woman put it. You'll say he really isn't racist, that he denounced the support of the Klu Klux Klan. And I'll say that his rhetoric fueled them, emboldened them. I'll point to the recent flying of the Nazi flag and the countless displays of racist graffiti that have since sprung up around the country. I'll tell you about the attacks on Muslims and people of color since the election results.

You'll say he isn't sexist or misogynistic. You'll say he has a lot of female supporters. I'll point out that he refers to women in derogatory terms, and insults and attacks any who disagree with him. He calls women nasty, fat pigs, and dogs. I'll remind you how he said he could grab women by their genitalia because he was famous.  You'll say it's all just words, that men sometimes say things like that. Maybe you'll even call it "locker room talk." And then you'll say his opponent's husband did a lot worse than talk.

I'll say that his words have incited hate and violence. He once implied that his opponent should be shot. He also said his supporters should "knock the crap out" of people protesting against him and that he would pay the bail for those who did so. He said he could shoot someone in Times Square and he would still have support. Again, you'll say it's all just words. And I'll tell you that a leader's words can push people to act, whether good or bad, and so his or her words should be chosen more carefully.

We could go on like this all day. And while I may not agree with you, I will listen to your point of view and try to understand what motivates you to support this man. I would like to think that you would do the same and try to understand why I didn't vote for him. But maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you quit reading this after the first paragraph.

The point is that we are all different, and we will not always agree. As I said before, we have different lives, different experiences, different perspectives. Every election cycle, half the people are unhappy with the results. And while I don't like the results of this election, I wouldn't vandalize property or burn the flag or attack anyone I thought voted for this man. I don't think you can denounce the hateful rhetoric of someone, and then proceed to be hateful yourself. That not only defeats your cause, but it only further divides. 

I'm not saying people shouldn't protest. That is a protected right. This country was built on protests. And had this man's opponent won, I'm sure his supporters would be protesting. But the protests should be peaceful.

Now is the time we all need to come together. We may not agree, but we are all a part of this American family. We can't continue down this dark, divisive path. Hatred will only lead to our destruction. We need to stop shouting insults at each other. We need to stop looking down on anyone who doesn't agree with us. We need to figure out how to love and accept each other in spite of our differences.

I honestly hope that the president-elect is better than the campaign he ran. I hope his words were just words. I hope he seeks to truly do what is right and good for this country. And so, even though I didn't vote for him, I will support him, as he will be our President, and I love this country.

However, I must use my voice to call out to our future President, to beseech him to use his words carefully, to denounce the hate and violence that has been displayed on his behalf. I beg him to be a President of, and for the people. FOR THE PEOPLE, ALL THE PEOPLE, NO MATTER RACE OR GENDER OR RELIGION OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

UNITE THIS COUNTRY SIR. FOR YOU ARE PART OF THIS REASON IT HAS BECOME SO DIVIDED.

A House Divided

I last wrote about not taking things personal. Today, I write about not making things personal.

Election day is just around the corner. And I am glad of it, because I can't take much more of this contentious presidential race. I am completely irritated with all the mud-slinging, name calling, and finger pointing. And the bad behavior isn't confined to the candidates alone.

This has to be one of the most divisive elections in history. It has torn this nation apart. Many protests have been staged. But people aren't just protesting. Instead of being satisfied with hurling insults at each other, supporters of both candidates have taken to hurling rocks and throwing punches. A GOP office in North Carolina was firebombed. Then a letter with a suspicious white substance was sent to the Democratic campaign headquarters. It's ugly out there.

Unfortunately, this election is not only dividing the nation, it is dividing couples, and families, and friends. 

Cosmopolitan.com conducted a survey in which 42% of respondents said the campaign "has negatively affected their relationships with someone close to them." In a poll by Monmouth University, 7% of participants said they had lost friends because of the election. I read articles in varying publications with anecdotes of people fighting with friends and loved ones because of their decision to support one candidate or another. In extreme cases, even family members have stopped talking to each other.

And in this age of social media, people are debating their beliefs in very public forums. I've seen countless examples on Facebook of people exclaiming their support or hate, and threatening to unfriend anyone who disagrees with their choice. I've seen the arguments which have ensued. And they aren't always polite.

It doesn't seem to be enough to argue about the candidate's platform. No, people are attacking and insulting the candidates, and then attacking and insulting each other. In short, people have made this election very, very personal. Instead of accepting our differences and agreeing to disagree, we are waging war against the opposition.

Now, I admit I have questioned why people support a certain candidate. I see him as a bully, a racist, a misogynist, and fear monger. But my main complaint is that he has yet to provide real, honest solutions to the problems we all face. I will not vote for him. Yet, I am still undecided, because I am not sure if the other candidates can provide real solutions either. But people make the assumption that if you don't support one candidate, then you support the other which makes you an enemy (technically, there are more than two candidates, but then people get into that whole "a vote for so-and-so is a vote for the opposition," and that's another story in itself).

While I may not agree with some of you, I would never call you stupid. Nor would I refer to you in derogatory terms or attack who you are as a person. I would hope that you could return that favor.

See, this isn't personal.

Well, it is personal in that each one of us has a say in who takes office. And we all want to select the person who is best suited for the job. The person who will make a positive difference. The person who will help us all live better lives. The person who will make sweeping changes. The people of this country have been dealing with a lot of adversity. And they are tired and angry. This vote will make a difference in so many individual lives. So, yes, it is personal in that way.

But we shouldn't make it a personal battle with everyone who we disagree with.

This country has been a bastion of political freedom and civil liberty. We have also been called "the melting pot of the world." People of all walks of life, of all different races and cultures and religions, call America home. We are different. This is a beautiful thing. A thing to be celebrated.

So yes, we will have different beliefs and ideas. We will have different political leanings. We will have different opinions of who should take office and what that person should do once they take office. And debate is healthy. Debate forces everyone to think, and consider, and evaluate. Debate forces us to see all sides of an issue in order to come to a logical solution to real problems.

But we have to actually behave like reasonable adults. We have to cast aside our pigheaded pettiness and stop the name calling and violence. Because all this ugliness is not what America is about.

We should learn to have honest, straightforward conversations about the issues. We should also realize that we can't always change people's minds, even with logical arguments. We should accept that we won't agree with everyone, including our friends and family. And we should love them all nonetheless. We should always keep an open mind and an open heart.

Don't hate someone just because you disagree. Don't make it personal.

Be Happy

I recently celebrated my birthday, and I decided to have a party. See, I'm a Libra. And if you believe in that stuff, you know us Libras are social creatures. We enjoy parties. And if you don't believe in that stuff, well, I'll just tell you, I am a very social creature. And I enjoy parties. I like to have fun, and dance, and laugh. The eat, drink, and be merry type. So, that's what I wanted to do.

I invited a lot of people. Of course, I've come to understand that half the people you invite to a party won't make it. That's just life. So, yes, a lot of people had to turn down my invitation. Some people just didn't respond at all. Now, that selfish, little-girl part of me was somewhat bothered by that. I did have to take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. At my age, people are busy. They have family obligations. They have children with busy schedules. They have jobs.  And partying is at the bottom of the priority list. I've had to miss other people's parties for a variety of reasons, and maybe my absence disappointed them.

Some people showed up and only stayed for a short time. Again, I understand that as you get older, you just can't rock all night like you did when you were young. I'm often in bed by 9:00 myself. Plus, you have to get home to relieve the babysitter. Maybe you just want to get home to kiss your children goodnight. Maybe you're tired after a long work week. Maybe you don't feel well. Maybe you're dealing with a lot of stuff and you're not in the mood to party all night. I understand that. I've left parties early myself.

It ended up being an intimate party. But I completely appreciated everyone who showed up, even if it was just for a little while. They might not even know how much it meant to me just to have them there, but it was the best gift they could have given me. And, I had a blast! I smiled and laughed all night. If I had been sad or upset about the people who didn't show up, then I wouldn't have had all that fun with the people who did!

What I'm getting to, is that in life, you have to learn not to take things personally. So some people didn't make it to my party. It wasn't personal. Because the world doesn't revolve around me. The world doesn't revolve around any of us. We are actually very small in the grand scheme of things. The universe is this vast place, and we are just specks of dust.

Today, another one of my writing submissions was rejected. And it just reminded me how far I am from where I want to be. It reminded me how I've been unable to find success in writing or interior design. It reminded me how I'm stuck doing accounting and data entry. Now, while a part of me wanted to get into the fetal position and cry, I had to remind myself that rejection and failure are a part of the process, a part of life. We all have moments of rejection. Moments where we feel like failures. Moments we feel slighted, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. Moments where people hurt or anger us. Whether it's a friend or family member who said or did something or it's someone who cut us off in traffic or someone saying, "thanks, but no thanks." We take it as a personal affront, when really, it's not. We can't see everything as a personal attack.

My son had a basketball game and the parents and coach of the other team were constantly complaining about the calls the referees made. They accused the refs of calling everything for my son's team, when in reality, there were good and bad calls both ways. But they took it personally and yelled and complained. It's something you see a lot in sports. People blaming the refs when a game isn't going their way. But I saw how hard the kids on the other team were working and their team hadn't won a game, and I'm sure the parents felt bad for them. They didn't want to see their children lose again. The refs weren't very happy about all that yelling and complaining, but it's something they have to deal with all the time. They have to learn not to take it personally. And in situations such as that, it helps to try to understand where the other person is coming from. What is going on in their hearts or minds or lives that is driving their behavior? What are they going through? What are they dealing with? And does it really have anything to do with me?

When it seems like the world is against you and nothing is going your way, it's easy to just cry and ask "why is this happening to me?"

But that doesn't make things better. 

It only makes you unhappy.

I know. Whether it was my writing being rejected, or not being able to get a career going in interior design, or my house and vehicles needing repairs when money was tight, or my favorite football team losing, I have pouted and complained and asked "why?!?" But what did that do? It didn't make me feel better or solve any problems. No, I felt worse. I drowned myself in negativity. I got caught up in that vicious cycle, falling fast in that downward spiral.

So, getting back to happiness...

If we stay rooted in our own egocentric ways of looking at things, then we will continually be disappointed and unhappy. The world isn't out to get us. Things happen. Stuff breaks. People are rude, and selfish, and unkind. We have to take a deep breath, take a step back, and take a different perspective on things. We have to try to understand other people and their reasons for doing things.

We must understand that neither our happiness nor unhappiness are dependent on the people or things that surround us. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, how we allow people and events to make us feel. 

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect. Things won't always be as we want them to be, as we hoped or expected them to be. We can't and we don't control everything in our lives. But we can control how we react, how we feel, how we deal with whatever happens. We can choose to be negative, to cry and complain, to ask "why me?"

Or we can stop taking everything so personal, be happy, and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in.

PATRIOTISM AND PROTEST

It's that time of year again. No, not pumpkin spice everything season.  It's football season!

Alas, while I would love to talk about football, my team keeps blowing leads and losing in the fourth quarter, so I'm just a little bitter right now. Also, I don't think most of you read my blogs for sports updates anyway.

What I really want to talk about is the controversial conversation sparked by the actions of an NFL quarterback.

It is a tradition to have someone sing the national anthem before every game. Most people will stand during this time. I even stand and put my hand over my heart when I'm watching the game on television. This is a sign of respect for our great nation.

But this quarterback did not stand. He sat. And of course, with the game being televised, millions of people saw this and wanted to know why he sat.

His answer:

                "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color...There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."

He sat in protest. He sat down to stand up for the rights of those who have been shot down.

Now, most people would agree there is a problem. With the rash of fatal police shootings of minorities, some unarmed, people want answers. People want change. Including this quarterback who sat down.

However, not everyone agrees with his method. Many people were angered by what they call "blatant disrespect of America, of the military, and law enforcement." In fact, he said he has received death threats.

Now, I may not necessarily agree with his methods. I take great pride in knowing that I live in a country where someone can protest and create change. Even though this country has serious problems, it is a free country. And that is why I respect this man's right to protest, whether or not I agree with his methods. I can't understand people who threaten another person's life for protesting in a country that was founded by protesters.

But that seems to be who we are as humans. If someone does something we don't like or agree with, our hackles immediately go up. We pass judgment. We hate. We spew out anger and vitriol. We criticize and condemn. We threaten. And sometimes we act on those threats.

Imagine how much more peaceful it would be if we all just stepped back, took a deep breath, and tried to understand the other side. Because the thing is, we all act based upon our own feelings, our own thoughts, our own experiences and biases. We all see things from our own perspective. But everyone's perspective is different.  Everyone's life experience is different. And we all have biases. We may not realize it, but we do. We judge people based on what we think and believe. We judge based on what we've gone through in our own lives. We judge based only on what we see and hear and understand. We don't know what that other person has been through. We don't know their pain, their anger, their struggles. We don't know what they think or how they feel or how they see the world. And we don't always have the facts of a situation.

I honestly don't know exactly what happened in each fatal confrontation. All I know is there is a problem that needs to be addressed. The violence needs to end, on both sides. Because cops are dying, too. And they are humans as well. Every day they put on that uniform, they know there is a chance they will face danger. But they kiss their loved ones goodbye and go out into an unknown world anyway. They do it for the people, for this country.

That NFL quarterback wanted to get the conversation going. And he did. Unfortunately, the conversation drifted somewhat.

What we need is to come together. To try to understand the other side. Let's stop the political rhetoric. Let's put aside our differences. Let's actually listen and talk to each other, instead of yelling and arguing. Let's find a way to strip away the layers of bias and prejudice and unfounded fear and hate.

We have to. 

Lives depend on it.